McBarbie

Two words...

2011-02-11T01:49:00.002Z

NOSE JOB.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Oh Leona, Leona, Leona...

Now you're known as the girl from The Apprentice who got her kit off for Zoo

2011-01-25T13:53:00.004Z

*Slow claps*

Well done Joanna Riley, well done for using a serious, business opportunity like The Apprentice to strip to your underwear for a tacky lads mag. You must be so proud.

According to the article in which I discovered this disappointing and distasteful downfall, Miss Riley had this to say:

"It’s been a totally new experience for me. I’ve never done anything like this, but it’s been fun.

I just wanted to bring the fun side of me out because in The Apprentice, I was very professional and business-like.

I wanted to prove you can still be sexy in business as well and hopefully I’ve done that. This is just showing a prettier side of me. I’m really pleased with the shoot."

Yeah well you can throw all that professional and business-like demeanour out of the window now luv because no one is gonna take you seriously again after posing for friggin' ZOO magazine. What the hell were you thinking woman? Somehow I don't think this is quite what Lord Sugar meant when he advised you to go back to your cleaning business and concentrate on developing the company.

She also insists she's been offered countless job opportunities and doesn't stop picking up the phone.

SO WHY NOT TAKE UP ONE OF THOSE OPPORTUNITIES INSTEAD OF STRIPPING TO YOUR BRA AND PANTIES IN A NATIONAL MAGAZINE SO SOME PATHETIC GIMP CAN HAVE A CHEAP WANK OVER YOU?!!

Argh, my brain hurts. Why do 'smart' women do this to themselves? The female gender struggle to gain respect in business as it is, and this idiot has only encouraged that.

She didn't want to be known as 'Joanna the cleaner'. Now she's known as 'Joanna from The Apprentice who got her kit off for a lads mag'.

Congratulations you complete moron!

All London bus drivers must BURN IN HELL

2011-01-18T18:10:00.005Z

Peeps, it's time for the inevitable today - a big fat, potty-mouthed rant.

Have you ever wondered why London bus drivers have such STANK attitude all the time? I dunno what their problem is, all they gotta do is sit behind some protective plastic shit and drive a fucking bus. They don't really have to talk to anyone or worry about customer service - the last time I heard a London bus driver say hello or smile was 19 diggity 2.

So what's the fuss? Why the need to be so rude and unaccommodating to innocent passengers? Why air the sorry fuckers out who almost kill themselves running for the bus they are so desperate to catch?

I'm sick of these grumpy, unsympathetic bastards. They get away with murder!

Today, I had to leave work early to make a doctor's appointment, which had been booked last minute and was an appointment I NEEDED to go to as I was in a fair bit of pain at the time. As I went to top up my oyster card to board the next departing tube, I realised I'd fucked up big time - I'd left my purse at home.

I left my god damn purse at HOME. And I had 30 friggin' measly PENCE to show for it!

I really thought I was done for. I needed to get the tube AND a bus in order to make my appointment on time. Desperation sunk in and I knew I'd have to blag it, just this once.

So I approached the stern looking chappy at the station and explained my dire situation and asked kindly if he would let me proceed with my journey without paying just this once. Miraculously, the chappy wasn't so stern after all, and let me through without ease. Result!

I had no problems getting off the tube as nobody was there (what's new) to question me - hehe, suckers.

Next mission - blag the bus ride.

So the first bus arrived. I tried the ol' "let me tap my oyster on the reader and do that jaw dropping thingy when I realise there's not enough money on there". The driver quickly informed me of my problem, to which I politely asked him if it was OK to let me on for just two stops in order to get to emergency appointment on time.

"NO."

"Errr... I'm sorry?"

"NO. YOU CANNOT STAY ON BUS."

"Erm it's only two stops Mr Bus Driver, can't you make an exception just this once? I don't have any money on me and it's an emergency."

"NO. THERE IS BANK THERE AND SHOP THERE, YOU CAN TOP UP."

"... OK but I don't have ANY money whatsoever, can't you help me?"

"NO."
..................... what a fucking NUMPTY!!! I wanted to punch his face in so bad, but I knew my time was up. "Thanks for nothing" was the last thing I said to him.

OK OK, next bus is coming. Surely somethings gotta give!

This time, I tried to the honest approach. Honesty is always the best policy, right?

WRONG.

*Steps onto bus* "Excuse me Mr Bus Driver, I don't have enough money on my oyster card but I really need to get to an appointment urgently, is it OK to stay on for just two stops?"

"WHAT? NO."

"... But I don't have any money right now to top up, please can you just let me stay for two stops?!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO MONEY? WHO LEAVES THEIR HOUSE WITHOUT MONEY?"

"Erm, it was an accident, I didn't mean to."

*Driver remains stony faced and shakes his head*

"OK, STAY THERE!"

"Thank you." (as if I'm gonna go upstairs and get comfortable, WTF?!)

The moaning driver then proceeded to talk to himself, stating his disbelief that I didn't have my purse on me.

"How can you forget your purse... yeah right, unbelievable!"

At this point, I had to just bite my tongue and stare into space otherwise I probably would have been sporting an orange jumpsuit behind bars now for GBH.

I must also add that a very kind lady offered to pay for my fare and told me to inform the driver that it IS possible to forget your purse at home as us females are prone to a bit of handbag swapping. God bless that woman, whoever she was.

I then realised I was supposed to stay on for THREE stops but of course I couldn't piss off this driver any further so I had to get off early. FUCK. Was definitely late at this point.

As I got off, I said nothing and went about my bizznizz. The driver shouted sarcastically "THANK YOU VERY MUCH", to which he got AIR. What the hell am I thanking you for, old timer? For trying to mug me off in front of everyone on the bus because, heaven forbid, I forgot my purse at home in a rush while trying to get ready for work at 6 o'clock in the fucking MORNING?!!

Yeah here's a thank you for you buddy - *flips middle finger*

If he really disagreed with keeping me on the bus, he should have stuck to his guns like the other tosser and told me to get off! No point in letting me on and then bitching for the rest of the journey, prick!

Hopefully they both crashed at the next stops.

RANT DONE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MUHFUCKAZ

2011-01-01T18:14:00.004Z

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It's been a minute since I last blogged, sheeet... and it's been a minute since I last got some stuff off my chest so now I'm back! Can't believe how much I slipped with this blogging bizznizz, I'm such a wastegash.

Anyhoo, happy new year to whoever bothers to read this! Hope you had a fantaaaastic start to 2011, my NYE wasn't too bad you know, better than expected even! Ended up rolling to somewhere local and (sorta) cheap. The way they dropped this banger at midnight:

GOOD WEED, WHITE WINE
UH, I COME ALIVE IN THE NIGHT TIME
OKAAAAY AWAY WE GO
ONLY THING WE HAVE ON IS THE RADIOOOOO, OHH

Blap blap blap, the DJ knew what time it was!

Oh speaking of Rihanna, that moron ex-boyfriend of hers, Chris Brown, has been running his mouth on Twitter, hurling homophobic insults at Raz-B (B2K dude who says he got sexually abused). Apparently, this was the result of Raz-B commenting on Brown's previous 'domestic disturbance' with Rihanna.

It went a little something like this:

Raz-B: "... how can niggas like [Eric Benet] and [Chris Brown] disrespect women as intelligent as Halle Berry, Rihanna".

Chris Brown: "Nigga you want attention! Grow up Nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy".

... I really don't know how this little TWERP has fans any more, he's lucky to still have a career after it almost got flushed down the shitter when he beat the crap out of the Princess of Pop, now he wants to start publicly calling people batty boys on Twitter. Learn your lesson 'Breezy' and shut the hell up already!!! How bloody stupid can you get, do you wanna make money or not?!! Jeez, what a god damn moron.

Well that was my first rant of 2011, yaaay! More to come real soon.

Peace homies

This is the end...

2010-05-16T22:34:00.000+01:00

:'(

WTF happened?

2010-05-11T20:10:00.002+01:00

They went from this:

To this fucking MUSH:

What NONSENSE! This is the UK number one you know! Jesus Christ.

Fuck off Roll Deep, just fuck off! Bunch of mugs...

Put on some weight you dumb bitch!

2010-05-09T11:22:00.004+01:00

WTF is this shit?

Aren't white jeans meant to make you look bigger? They're friggin' hanging off those toothpick legs.

And look at that bent over bony-ass wrist! Eurgh, it's putting me off me Sunday brekkie.

‘I am 100 per cent fit and healthy and I am the right weight for my type of body – if I’m honest I’m not a particular healthy eater, my big weakness is potatoes’, she told OK! magazine.

Shutup, shutup, SHUTUP! Stop lying and go get some help! We don't wanna hear about your weakness for potatoes or that old chestnut 'I've just got a fast metabolism'. You're ILL bitch, sort yourself out ASAP and stop promoting anorexia to your fans.

Come here rude boy boy can you get it up?

2010-03-14T16:42:00.003Z

Wow I haven't blogged anything in MONTHS... I feel so ashamed, 'llow me though. This annoying thing called 'work' takes up all my time nowadays and leaves me constantly feeling knackered and stressed out my tits. Ohhhh how I miss being a student bum! *sniff sniff*

Anyways, I just randomly felt obliged to post Rihanna's new video... I guess because it looks sick... and well, it's stuck in my head right now.

Come here rude boy boy can you get it up?
Come here rude boy boy is you big enough?

Enjoy

Scorcher - Dark Knight

2009-12-05T02:48:00.001Z

Badman!

Video and track overly hard. Scorcher is doing it right now!

*screams and faints like a school girl* MY GOODNESS!!!

Happy Scottish people day!

2009-11-30T15:48:00.003Z

Ohhhh just look at that... almost brings a tear to me eye! *sniff sniff*

It's St. Andrew's Day today! Brap brap brap, gunshot gunshots

Big up all my Scots out there! It's tatties and mince tonight for tea, hehe!!!

Here's a legendary clip of my darg Ronnie Browne singing Flower Of Scotland at Hampden...

C'MON!!!

The whorebag has left the jungle

2009-11-23T15:53:00.004Z

After being nominated for the SEVENTH time to tackle another excruciating bushtucker trial, Katie Price has had enough and consequently quit 'I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!'.

I think that means she's not getting her £350,000 fee... HAHA shame.

To this day, I STLL don't get why people have time for this deluded, self-obsessed, shameless whorebag. I don't get why I should respect her for selling every single aspect of her undignified life story to the media and more importantly using her poor kids in an attempt to carry on hogging the limelight.

She blatantly thought she was gonna go back in and win this year. All this 'closure' bollocks... I didn't fall for it. I swear, she just can't help herself!

And c'mon now, they all know what they're signing up for when they agree to take part. She knows that the majority of the public can't stand the sight of her, therefore it kinda goes without saying she would be the victim of being repeatedly nominated to do the bushtucker trials. What a moron.

She tried to play the public and they played her right back.

Bye bitch!

WTF@ Rihanna's headpiece

2009-11-23T14:09:00.004Z

What the hell has she done to her hair?!!

All balding and shit... I got one word for this:

SLIPPIN!

Beyonce ft. Lady Gaga - Video Phone

2009-11-18T00:46:00.001Z

Rahtid!

Gwaaaarn ladies, do your stuff! I love these two bitches.

So long ya jakey bastard!

2009-11-16T22:30:00.005Z

Guys, a miracle has happened!

FINALLY, 'Uncle' George Burley is no longer the Scotland manager after the SFA gave him the boot earlier today.

Dunno what the hell took them so long, the guy's time in charge was an absolute JOKE and travesty.

How could we just win 3 games out of 14 when he was about? THREE GAMES OUT OF FOURTEEN Y'NA! That's actually disgraceful. I know we're not the best team in the world but come off it!!! We don't have time to be slippin' like that, we really don't.

And the way we plummeted from 14th in the Fifa rankings to 46th, that's when you know its time to throw in the towel. I can't believe he did that to us, what a DICK!

Yeah see ya later you old jakey cunt! Thanks for nothing innit!

Cha.

Boiled eggs + Ritz crackers = packed lunch from heaven?

2009-11-15T22:26:00.011Z

Oi you lot, get a load of this right.

So I decided to grab myself a good ol' Happy Meal from McDonalds the other day when I was on my break from work. I found myself somewhere to sit and got on the blower to my mate to fill her in on the latest goss. Then I saw some freaky looking gypo family of three eating at the table next to me but I carried on munching obliviously and gasbagging to my friend.

But you know when you clock something from the corner of your eye? In this case, a mysterious plastic bag was the attraction, which appeared to posses some form of a packed lunch the family had brought along to the 'restaurant'. Straight away I thought rah, that's a bit much innit! You're not exactly gonna break the bank having your lunch in McDonalds now, are ya? Is there really a need to bring extra food along?

Well clearly if you're a dirty gypo, there is.

So I scanned the contents of their table to see if they'd actually bought ANYTHING from McDonalds. That's when I noticed a couple of strawberry sundaes. OK, fair do's, fair do's. But wait.... hold on... what's that I see emerging from the plastic bag repeatedly?

Eh?

Boiled... eggs?

BOILED FUCKING EGGS?!!

No way. No fucking way man! WHO DOES THAT? Who brings a scatty plastic bag full of BOILED EGGS to McDonalds? Jesus Chris Almighty! And I swear one of the eggs looked BLACK inside. *covers mouth to prevent sick coming out*

Oh AND and the shells were still intact on all of 'em! They were actually peeling off the shells at the table! Straight RAGGO!

You should have seen the way they were murking them eggs boi. Like it was the first time they'd eaten in their lives!

Guess what they had as their side dish?

Ritz crackers!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ritz bloody crackers... jheeez! What a packed lunch! And yes, I did witness the mum dip one of them into the SUNDAES and put it in the kid's mouth.

WTF! Allow it!!!

Happy birthday to me

2009-11-06T12:33:00.006Z

So I'm 22 today.

LAME.

Who wants to be 22? Turning 21 was so much cooler. Nobody cares when you're 22.

What do I have to look forward to now? Responsibilities? Work? Bills? Debt? Settling down? Marriage? KIDS?!

Ah hell no. That's some scary ass shit. Why can't I just stay 21 forever?!! I mean, I don't even look my age! I look like a fucking 12 year old still.

Having said that, I'll have you know, I'm actually a victim of premature ageing - I HAVE GREY HAIRS. Yes, HAIRS people, not just one strand, there's a few of them fuckers hanging around on my head piece. Not cool man.

You don't believe me? Here, have a butchers at these bad boys:

Never dyed my hair in my life and yet they started propping up this time last year. I'm gonna be grey by the time I'm 25!!! It's the McBarbie genetics mate.

Well at least I don't have to work today. HI5!

I'm gonna go check my Facebook now to see if there's any more 'Happy Birthday' comments on my page to make me feel bare popular.

PEACE!

Sharon Osbourne's a bitch

2009-11-05T16:33:00.003Z

You see, usually I think ol' Shazza's quite hilarious, but that was just deep.

Wonder what YOU'D look like now without all that plastic surgery Shaz? I suppose we'll never know!

I think God hit Su-Bo with the same ugly stick that Kelly and Jack got wacked about with!

OOOOOH OOOOOH McBarbs you're dread man, you're dread! Are you gonna take that Shaz, are you gonna take that?! Lata, lata, laaaaaaataaaaaaaaaa!!!

How to 'perform' like sodding Danyl and get a standing ovation off Cowell

2009-10-25T18:31:00.003Z

Teefed this from a Digital Spy member:

Step 1: Start off quietly, mumble, pronounce the words like you're deaf, foreign and have speech impediment and sing the odd note in tune. Actual melody optional.

Step 2: As soon as the chorus kicks in... your time to shine, baby! Let the generic choir/backing track/35 piece orchestra handle the actual tune and screech 'soulfully' over the top. Wave your hands around and bend over a lot so it's a 'performance'. Pull freaky faces like you're possessed. You'll need a lot of dry ice for this bit.

Step 3: Do a 'trick' where you throw the microphone into your other hand.

Step 4: As the song draws to a close or your voice starts to crack from too much random shouting, hold a 'big note'. For as long as possible. Doesn't matter if it sounds good, people will be impressed as long as you hold it. Pull a face like you're (simultaneously) horrifically constipated and acting out the money shot in a gay porn movie.

Step 5: Smile smugly as Simon leaps to his feet and reels off his list of cliches. If the other judges criticise you, look like someone's just shoved a cactus up your arse and pout furiously.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Eastenders = WORST TELEVISION PROGRAMME IN HISTORY

2009-10-23T20:35:00.006+01:00

OK I'm still in shock and I'm feeling physically sick, but let me try and get this straight.

We, the British public, are meant to believe that this charming, innocent young laddie

had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with and produced a wee bairn with THIS

.....................................

'ave a fucking word will ya?!!

Shame on whatever NUMPTY is responsible for this SHAMBOLIC, unfathomable and vomit-inducing so-called storyline!

You read it here first: Eastenders is officially THE worst television programme in history.

Seriously, Eastenders is overly wack and yet I still feel compelled to watch it... why???

I'm off to lie down. I need more time to digest the sheer horror that I've just witnessed...

Dick Griffin

2009-10-23T00:25:00.001+01:00

Say no more.

Wake up wake up wake up...

2009-10-01T15:37:00.002+01:00

Its October 1st people!

What you know about this tune???

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet...

FUCK ALL WASPS

2009-09-07T19:33:00.004+01:00

Seriously, what is the PURPOSE of these hideous things? Can someone please answer that question for me because I just can't get my head around why they exist???

All they do is fucking attack and harm innocent people who are just trying to go about their way! They are nothing more than a bloody burden to society.

No word of a lie, for the past few months I swear I've woken up EVERY GOD DAMN DAY to the sound of WASTED WASP buzzing around the inside of my window.

WHY? WHY ME???

My window is covered in that spray shit that is meant to kill the bastards. And that stuff STINKS, I'm fed up of smelling it in my room. I even sprayed all the ivy just beneath the window in the hope that another cunting wasp would die before it even thought about returning to bother me.

WRONG!

The other week, I was feeling all sad and shit that another summer had come to an end. Now I can't wait for the winter season because these noisy, nasty motherfuckers need to all fuck off and DIE!

You're all going straight to hell!!!

Our Cheryl's first single

2009-09-07T17:39:00.001+01:00

...

I'm feeling it!

Gwarn Cheryl, do your stuff.

Why

2009-09-06T21:07:00.004+01:00

Why can't I have this face:

And this body:

WHY I ASK???

LIFE IS CRUEL!!!

Get ta know

2009-09-06T20:42:00.003+01:00

I

Will

Be

There!

Bea Hamill = the spawn of Satan

2009-08-13T23:27:00.006+01:00

Look at her!!!

Just look at those eyes! She's POSSESSED!

You know, in the 10 long years of Big Brother, we've had some serious, downright bastards in there. The type of 'people' (and I use that term with extreme hesitance) that provoke laughter from you because if you don't laugh at them, you will feel the strongest urge to jump up off of your sofa, fly kick your television set onto the floor and proceed to stomp all over it in sheer rage because their appalling, disgusting and un-human-like behaviour infuriates you that much!

We've had Makosi... we've had Charley... we've had Dennis... we've had Alexandra... we've had Kenneth...

And they all left us thinking that surely, just SURELY, a higher level of evil could not exist in this world.

And then along came Bea. The spawn of Satan himself! The psychologists are going to have a fucking field day when that bitch comes out.

Now there is deluded and then there is deluded beyond belief. Bea is deluded beyond belief.

Notice how almost all of the venomous insults she throws at her fellow housemates are actually a reflection of her own fucked-up character. But little does she realise! Because Bea has never said a bad word about anyone! Bea hasn't done anything wrong! Bea's quite a nice person you know!

Lemme get this straight. Bea threatens to steal a can of cider from Halfwit's draw - out of spite, might I add - and Marcus (Halfwit's FRIEND) responds by telling her that wouldn't be a wise move and that she is being negative again. Bea then launches into yet another unprovoked venom-fuelled attack on Halfwit's character, unconvincingly threatens to leave the BB house and labels Marcus a bully, all through a big bunch of crocodile tears.

And then says: "If you can't take it don't dish it out!"

AHAHAHAHAHA. She's so funny. Crazy bitch.

I could carry on pointing out and analysing her satanic actions and behaviour but I'd be here all bloody night and I ain't got the time for that. All I'm saying is, Marcus needs to go this week. Not because I actually want him to go: if he stays, he will be the only one able to put Bea in her place. But he needs to go because it will be priceless to see the horrified and hugely-disappointed reaction of that gangly, bruck-toothed, eyes-too-close-together, 40-faced, duplicitous, nasty, manipulative WHORE when Halfwit survives ANOTHER public vote. And then, we would have a Bea vs Halfwit showdown to look forward to next week.

Surely we all wanna see that?!!

The Cut issue 4 - OUT NOW!!!

2009-08-13T20:08:00.004+01:00

Yes yes peeps,

Make sure you check out Issue 4 of The Cut aka the Alternative Issue.

Inside we have...

* A guide to all the latest skanks
* A history of subcultures
* Tinchy Stryder - our cover star
* Stephen K Amos on homophobia
* DaVinChe
* Zarif
* New Boys Jerkin'
* Lawrence Watson
* Poppy and The Jezebels

And much, much more!

Pick up your FREE copy all over LDN from Size?, Rough Trade, Stateside, Fopp, The Social, ICA, or anywhere you see a Don't Panic pack (you should spot The Cut by its side).

Alternatively, holla at your girl for a copy!

Peace and love

P.S. This is my 100th post - brap brap!

This dude is SERIOUS

2009-08-13T02:36:00.002+01:00

Who knew the 'Migraine Skank' could sound so beautiful???

Go white boy, go white boy, go white boy!

Yeah he's SICK.

HAHAHAHAHAHA SHAME!

2009-08-13T02:19:00.003+01:00

Look at this complete NUMPTY:

I think it's safe to say she made a right tit of herself!

(Ahem, I'll get me coat...)

No seriously, c'mon. WHAT IS THAT?!

My goodness she is VILE! EURGH. I don't know who I hate more: her or Kenneth. But she is definitely up there has one of my all-time most hated BB housemates.

Charley just FUCK OFF INTO OBSCURITY ALREADY YOU PATHETIC CRETINOUS COW!!!

Helen & Paul 4eva xxx

2009-08-12T00:28:00.004+01:00

Behold, the greatest BB love story of all time:

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Helen and Paul kept it real you know. They were a GENUINE BB couple, that shit wasn't for the cameras. Fuck Michelle and Stuart, Maxwell and Saskia, Imogen and Sezer, Nikki and Pete, Chanelle and Ziggy, and Dale and Jen! They ain't got NUFFIN on good ol' H&P!

Well Helen and Paul aren't even a couple anymore but THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT OK?! Let's just sit back and remember what they once had together...

...

K I'm done now, it's munching time.

Where have you been all my life Cocoa Butter??!

2009-08-11T14:49:00.004+01:00

Seriously, this stuff is the SHIT! The sad thing is, I'm only realising it now - I'm such a loser!

I swear, all these years I've been spending my pennies on these expensive, wasted and odourless moisturisers. I had bare (black) people in my ear telling me I was looking in the wrong direction and needed to sample a little something called 'cocoa butter'. After all, you know what they say: black don't crack. HAHA. But alas, I ignored them and carried on using my Nivea/Simple/Dove formulas.

So the other day when I needed a new supply of body cream, I saw the variations of cocoa butter lotions sitting on the shelves in Boots and I thought fuck it, lemme have a butchers at one of these and see what's really good!

I tell ya, I am not looking back folks. Every time I put it on, I wanna lick it all off again! Ooooohhh it smells so fine! DAYUM!!!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE COCOA BUTTER??!

So I guess the lesson of this little tale is: always listen to black people.

HAHAHA.

Don't fuck about with the best!

2009-08-01T12:27:00.002+01:00

Need I say anymore?

Mariah got OWNED!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

It Doesn't Matter!

2009-07-29T20:44:00.005+01:00

Who remembers this???

"It doesn't matter if ya just bought a fresh Bentley!"

HAHAHA. The Rock is such a legend. And Wyclef, just for this tune alone.

Peace out for now jabroni's.

Victor from BB5 is such a legend

2009-07-27T18:48:00.005+01:00

Right, so everyone who knows me KNOWS how much love I have for Big Brother. Despite the snobbery and the hateration it unfairly attracts, for me it is one of the greatest and most fascinating television productions of all time.

Recently, I stumbled across an interview with my favourite housemate in BB history - Victor 'The Slick Man' Ebuwa. I don't care what anyone says, Victor was the fucking MAN, and he MADE BB5. Impressively, Victor is now making his cake through investment banking and stockbroking. Who saw that coming?! Good on you Vic!

Anyways, here's the interview I'm on about - he is so jokes.

(Taken from Digital Spy)

What are you up to these days, Victor?
"Well when the spotlight all died down and the phone stopped ringing from the agent, I thought, 'What am I going to do now?' As you know, I'm Nigerian, and Nigerians love two things - money and women. You can't have women without money - not good ones anyway - so I decided to get into investment banking and stockbroking. I didn't know anything about it, but that's never stopped me before. I had a couple of interviews and from sheer charisma managed to blag it. I got in the door, but then somehow it ended up in all those London papers. After that, there was a spread in one of the Sunday papers, using my quotes from Big Brother, making me out to be a dodgy stockbroker. Based on that I had to move, but I'm in trading now, and that's what I'm doing now."

You haven't been hurt by the credit crunch then?
"I'm keeping the economy going single handedly. If I wasn't in the city, mate, this country would have gone to the s**ts by now. I'm the last bastion standing between England and financial turmoil - it's all down to me."

Is it tough heading back to the world of work, then?
"You know what, there's so many sob stories out there. So many Sally sobs and Harry hard-lucks. It is quite strange when you leave the show because you can't put it on your CV, as people treat it like a disease. I mentioned it in an interview once and the look that came on his face was unbelievable, he treated me like a nobody. I just gave it to him straight. If you're good at a job, it shouldn't matter. Am I a paedophile? No. Have I killed anybody? No. Simple as that. That's something that I won't let stop me."

It's not something you imagine many contestants think about before going on the show.
"I'm a pretty fearless person, but going back to the working world after being in the public eye is a daunting thing. All the whispers start in the office as soon as you walk in, 'Isn't that the chap from Big Brother? What's he doing here?' I'm quite thick-skinned and I'm able to take the jokes and banter, but I know other housemates who are really struggling. Struggling badly. It's a dire situation, because not everyone has the sheer bloodymind that I do. I have a kid, he needs to eat, and it doesn't matter if I feel a little embarrassed. F**k it, I'm not going to become one of those waster dads."

Did you consider your long-term career before you went on the show?
"I don't normally do things without thinking them through, but I didn't think about Big Brother. In my mind, it was ten weeks' work, £10,000-a-week, I was going to walk it. Based on what I'd seen before, I was going to stroll it. I didn't think about how it would affect me or my family. They give you the 'Talk Of Doom', but Endemol don't give a s**t about you. I understand that, I'm a businessmen. People need to listen to that 'Talk Of Doom' though, because the show really will have an effect on you, your family and your friends. A lot of them guys in there now, they are going to struggle, and I mean struggle. People who go on the show now are putting themselves up for ridicule. Whether you win or lose, you are a BB loser. You're a scumbag and piece of s**t to the press and public. No token counselling from Endemol can help you with that."

What do you remember about the infamous 'Fight Night'?
"I remember everything. I thought I was going to kill someone. I'm being honest here, if there wasn't a camera there would have been a lot of blood shed that night. Now I'm a grown-up and more mature, but back then I was just off the streets and I still had that mentality. That's how I did things growing up. We'd sort things out on the grass outside. Whoever wins is right, whoever loses was wrong. That's the way I was brought up. The only thing that stopped me bludgeoning some of those housemates was the prospect of spending 15 years in Belmarsh prison with someone a bit tasty who wants to make advances with me in the night. Not worth it, just for the chance to punch Marco."

You blew your chances of winning on the wedding task. Do you regret losing your cool?
"Well, that doughnut Shell decided to step in and ruin things. Anyone who knows me understands that I can't stand toffs and Shell was one of those toffs with a sob story. Her dad was a chief executive, but yet she didn't have enough money. She lived on a four acre farm, but she was struggling. Why don't you sell two acres and live on a two-acre farm?! On the day of the wedding task I had a headache and warned everybody that I would be snappy, but they chose not to show that. She was getting on my nerves all day, gossiping to Dan about me. We all had a couple of drinks and then suddenly she just went off on one. She called me a c**t, and the gloves came off. Dan opens his mouth, I'd been dying to give it to him, so I gave it to him as well. I gave it Nadia as well. But right then and there, I knew I was going home. I understood the principles of the show and a major one is, if you're up for eviction - don't have an argument that week. Especially with someone not up for eviction and especially not with a woman. The rest is history."

At one point it looked like you could win the show though.
"As far as I'm aware, I was the only person to ever be favourite to win and get evicted in the same week. I was shocked mate. Call it arrogance or what, but up until this day I'm still amazed. I'm up against Nadia, Jason and Dan and I'm going home! Jesus! I honestly think it must have been rigged."

You were famous for your one-liners. Did you think of them before you went in the house?
"I didn't think of anything before I went in there. Me and my friends all have one-liners. Everyone's a cocky so-so in my social circle. Going on TV, you just carry on being who you are. In the house, I would be sat there with nothing to do eating my shredded wheat and Marco would walk by - things then just popped in my head and made me laugh. I'd chuckle to myself and save it for the diary room later. I saved it because if I said them out loud, I'd have been nominated in week one."

Madonna is GROSS

2009-07-27T18:42:00.003+01:00

No, no, no, no, no, no and NO!!!

WHY HAS SHE DONE THIS TO HERSELF?!!

She is blatantly like, anorexic or something. Omg I just tried to look at her arms again and I physically recoiled!

PHYSICALLY.RECOILED!!!

Madonna sort it out luv.

This might actually be my favourite song of the entire year

2009-07-10T01:06:00.002+01:00

I know it's been getting air play for a while now but DAYUM, I just cannot stop playing this on my iPod!

What.a.fucking.TUNE.

Know you got a roommate
Call me when there's no one there
Put the key under the mat and you know I'll be over there!

*Screams like a groupie*

YOU THE FUCKING BEST DRAKE!

Party in the city where the heat is on...

2009-07-09T19:23:00.002+01:00

... all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn!

Yes yes, I was in Miami for 2 weeks (it was so sick) and I'm back in LDN town bitches. I know y'all missed me.

Here's a lil' tribute to my time in South Beach:

(I went to that diner that they're in at the beginning - go me!)

Anyways, I got some blogs in mind, so I'll be putting some new shit up soon.

Oh yeah, and I officially got a 2:1 - in the words of Lil' Wayne:

MOTHERFUCKER I'M ILL!!!

Fuck knows how I managed it - I think I'm like the worst student in history, haha! Such a slacker... and yet it still paid off in the end! Maybe education really has gone downhill in this country!

Be back later,

PEACE

She's outta ma leeeeeeeeague!

2009-06-19T21:55:00.012+01:00

Seriously.

Look at this face:

Now look at this one:

And this one:

Real talk people.

Why the HELL would these butterz fools think they have a chance in hell with a girl like Noirin??? They must realise that they are COMPLETELY out of her league... they must! Why would they even THINK about trying their luck with her? It really does amaze me... there's a lot of deluded men in this world, there really is.

I wish they would take their dirty little paws off her for 5 fucking minutes, and stop asking to see her tits/arse. Pair of friggin' pervs!

Dotstar - Stick Up

2009-06-17T02:06:00.002+01:00

Check the new video for Dotstar's Stick Up:

He went hard on this one!

Shout out to Miss Tania Nwachukwu (gold top, silver leggings girl!) - look out for her in the next issue of The Cut! Big movements.

Altogether now people:

'All the girls in the club want to hold me for ransom...'

Saffia V Sophia on BBBM

2009-06-15T00:13:00.003+01:00

Bitchiness at it's finest!

You gotta love Big Brother! Classic footage right there... these bitches were really going at it! OK, I know Sophia needs to stop running her mouth for once and grow up a bit, but standard, Saffia is WASTE. Before she even stepped into the house, I didn't like her. Acted like a complete arsehole in her video audition.

I love how she's going on like she deserves to get a fucking medal or something for leaving her "babies" behind to on the show. Like she's some brave woman. Errr I got news for you luv, you ain't brave, you are, however, a fucking moron! I feel sorry for her kids. Imagine your mum duckin' you before you've even had your first steps to go on BB and argue with a bunch of strangers and then walk out after a week. She couldn't even wait until Sophia got evicted! And now she has to spend even more time with her on BBBM and BBLB. What a waste! I do rate her a little bit though for putting up with all those peeps cussing her and making her look stupid on BBBM though, HAHA. She got it baaaad.

But yeah, this is good shit! Big Brother is getting real juicy now, arguments galore!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

YOYO's? Oh you mean YOYO???

2009-06-11T01:52:00.004+01:00

YOYO'S

What is YOYO'S?

I've never heard of YOYO'S before, but I've heard of a NIGHT called YOYO at the Notting Hill Arts CLUB.

Why do so many people call it fucking YOYOS? WHERE IS THE EXTRA 'S' COMING FROM???

The club is not called YOYOS. YOYO is the name of the night, Notting Hill Arts Club is the name of the club.

Is it that hard for people to understand?

And even worse - we've got people going on about visiting WESTFIELDS now.

WESTFIELDS? What is WESTFIELDS? I'm not familiar with it, but I know about WESTFIELD though!

Again, WHAT IS WITH THE EXTRA 'S'? Is there any need for it?

I might actually end someone's life if this continues.

Fucking retards.

Rant over!!!

Halle Berry kisses Jamie Foxx - WTF?!!

2009-06-08T01:39:00.005+01:00

Look!!!

WTF?!!

She was collecting some award for being buff apparantly and then decided to plant her lips on Mr Foxx's.

They are both attached! Look at where his hand is! Look at where her hand is!

If my man kissed Halle Berry LIKE THAT, publicity stunt or no publicity stunt - or whatever the fuck it meant - I would be P.I.S.S.E.D!!!

Tetris is 25 years old today

2009-06-06T13:11:00.002+01:00

The classic puzzle video game.

Every now and again, I'll discover it once more and get addicted for a few good weeks or so. Shit never gets old!

Play a game (or 20) for free at this page: http://www.freetetris.org/welcome.html

Here's to Tetris!

Danny Dyer's a G

2009-06-04T19:44:00.004+01:00

Danny Dyer has branded Britain's Got Talent judge Amanda Holden as the "one of the least talented people in the UK".

Writing in his Zoo column, the Doghouse star said that it was laughable that Holden had been employed to judge other people on their talent.

"[She] really f***s me off. I know she is an actress but I'd say she's one of the least talented people in the UK, so how she can sit there and say who's got talent is beyond me," he said.

"The only reason that bird first became famous was by having a roll-about with Les Dennis. Now it's sitting there, clapping its hands and giving advice. It makes me feel f*****g sick."

The 31-year-old went on to say that he was not a fan of fellow judge Piers Morgan either, describing him as a "snake".

"I don’t know why [Simon Cowell] rolled in someone like Morgan, a tosser who just loves being famous. Now Morgan’s swanning around acting like he’s the bollocks."

[Article taken from Digital Spy]

HAHAHA!

Tell 'em Danny!

Vitamin Water is like the worst drink EVER

2009-06-04T18:49:00.005+01:00

Yeah I'm talking about that piece of shit drink that Coca Cola made. Like WTF. It is so SHIT!

And it costs a fucking small fortune. I want to know why!

Because not only does it taste like PISH, I just found out from someone who was drinking it yesterday that theres bare sugar in it.

So not only does it taste awful, it's not even healthy! And I swear that's the point of the drink? A HEALTHY alternative?

What a load of bloody nonsense. Seriously, it has got to be the lamest, most pathetic excuse for a drink in the whole wide world. I'd rather drink my own piss to honest!

Oh and get this: my mate just informed everyone on her Facebook that she just paid 65p for a Mini Milk!

65p you know!

The bloody cheek of it! That shit used to be 20p!

I really am worried about what the world is turning into these days, I tell you...

Yaaaay Kate's in the final!

2009-06-04T18:37:00.003+01:00

So as I predicted, Kate Walsh made The Apprentice 2009 final, alongside Yasmina.

Good decision made by Sir Alan I think, but for some reason I really felt that Debra was going to get picked alongside Kate. I thought he was going to take a risk with her. Also, I found out the night before that she's a Scot, so I guess I was kinda rooting for her as well at the last minute, haha. Can't believe she is only 23...

Anyways, poor James. He looked defeated long before Sir Alan told him the bad news, bless 'im. He was more emotional than all of the girls put together! I knew he'd be first out, followed by Lorraine.

Speaking of Lorraine: what was with the dodgy Irish accent change during her interviews? That was jokes man, what the hell?!

That Claude guy that was interviewing them is a wanker, but he was right when he said that Kate was 'faultless'. So yeah, I really want her to win, I think she's got it all, but if Yasmina wins I'll be happy as well.

Can't believe I never used to watch this show! What was I on?

Anyhoo, that's it for now. Big Brother starts later, so my life is officially over for the next few months, haha.

This is jokes

2009-06-01T23:32:00.001+01:00

http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html

"David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets."

HAHAHA!

Jodie Marsh is now a bodybuilder

2009-05-28T15:42:00.006+01:00

Erm... K?

Apart from those DISGUSTING breasticles of hers and the butterz man tattoos, she actually looks quite good.

According to the Daily Mail, she's "dropped three dress sizes from a size 12 to a 6/8."

... FUCK OFF! She was a size 12 before? What fucking bullshit! Why do always exaggerate the dress size statistics? It's so stupid!

Oh and she's now back to being straight - her lesbian ex-chick has gone back to Australia, and her new bloke is a builder from Brentwood.

Haha.

Anyways, she's still a dick.

The LAMEST adverts on TV right now

2009-05-24T03:04:00.004+01:00

The people responsible for the making of the following TV adverts need to DIE:

DIE!!!

I heart cereal

2009-05-21T03:11:00.004+01:00

I just clocked I haven't blogged anything for nearly a week - not cool. I'm running low on ideas right now, but I might as well talk about my determination to lose weight before I hit South Beach on the 21st June.

Time is ticking, and even though I've been regularly exercising - by that I mean 3-4 times a week - I've always slipped up on the ol' grub, which basically resulted in me not gaining any weight but not losing a whole lot either.

So for the next two weeks, it's all about cereal baby. I ain't touching that Special K crap because it tastes like utter SHITE - 'llow it. But basically, I'ma be munching on cereal for my breakfast and lunch, along with some fruit, low fat yoghurts and my trusted Snack-a-Jacks. Dinner will be 'normal', and I'll be drinking either water or squash with like, 5 calories per serving. Haha. Oh and green tea, can't forget my mate green tea!

No 'shit' can be consumed over the next fortnight. I'm talking to all of you fizzy drinks, bags of crisps, cakes and pastries and calorific chocolate bars. Just fuck off and leave me alone for a while, OK?! It ain't much to ask! Nobody likes a whale on South Beach, ya hear me? I can't afford to fuck up anymore!!!

Everyone please pray for me during this difficult and testing time!

I'm out.

This week's Holy Moly Duty Log Mental

2009-05-15T13:48:00.002+01:00

A woman emailed to complain about about Coronation Street.

Observe:

"Gail called Eddy an orang-utan, I consider this to be worse than calling a black person a chimp."

"I would like to complain over the use of the word 'orrangutang' by Gail earlier in the week. Would this have been acceptable if it were aimed at Craig Charles?"

"Ken Barlow has at least 5 Lyle and Scott jumpers I have been saving to buy my son one of these jumpers for a few months, but ken has quite a few and they retail around £70 -£90 each. How can ken afford these?"

"Kens new girlfriend on the narrow boat says she is going to spend time at various places including the Norfolk Broads I do wish writers and researchers would do their homework properly There is no navigable waterway link between the canal system and the Broads, except via the sea which would ?no be viable in a narrow boat."

...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Check Ken though, with the Lyle & Scott jumpers. Gwaaaaarn Kenny!

Lost Season 5 finale trailer

2009-05-10T23:43:00.001+01:00

Looky looky!

WTF IS GONNA HAPPEN?!!

It's gonna be amazing...

Nick Cannon is officially INSANE

2009-05-10T20:27:00.006+01:00

Yes, that's right - Nick Cannon has literally lost the plot! You have GOT to read every single last word of what can only really be described as a rambling, bizarre, racist, completely illogical and INSANE yet HILARIOUS blog post courtesy of the man in question! The blog is a response to a leaked Eminem single 'Bagpipes From Baghdad', in which Em takes the opportunity to diss Cannon's wife Mariah Carey and calls her a 'whore'.

I'm gonna highlight the best bits in bold - observe people:

Well, well, well. Fresh off the plane with my wife from our second honeymoon on the beautiful secluded islands of the Maldives and what do I find in my email box? A mediocre (at best) Eminem record that sounds like it was written in 2001. At first I thought it was old material that had been dug up from when dude “fantasized” about having a pretend fling with Mariah. I was thinking to myself, “Hey that was before me so it is really none of my business, so I’m going to give him a pass.”

So as I continued to semi enjoy Marshall’s rhyme scheme and flow, I mean let’s be honest dude used to be incredible. He was a witty lyrist with dope delivery and timing. Some even say, one of the best to ever do it. I had nothing but respect for this dude. But all of a sudden I hear my name in the verse! My first reaction was like, “This is his new shit??? Wow, that’s too bad…” Then I felt sorry for him because he must really be stuck in the past. Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn’t let him get to second base from 8 years ago! He even describes his desperate lameness in this bad excuse for storytelling track. That’s some real middle school shit right there! (What type of grown ass man lies about getting with a chick) Only Slim Lamey! LOL! (Wow Nick, you've got jokes still!)

So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek” (WTF, Christ like?!)

But then the dude on the other shoulder said, “ What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!” (OK, did he just compare himself to Manny Pacquiao?! HAHAHA)

Then, without listening to either one of the voices on my shoulders, I analyzed the situation from a logical perspective. Am I going to battle Eminem and try to out rap him? No, that would be stupid. The dude is nice on the mic. Even though nowadays he lacks substance, rapping about when he used to be hot. Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime.

Then I asked myself should I go find this Bitch and just whoop his little ass? But that might have just been the Creatine and protein shakes talking! LOL. Even though most people don’t know that I’m nice in the ring and have been training in boxing and Martial Arts for years that would just be childish and silly of me to bully this dude (looooooooooool OK Nick!). He clearly has been picked on all his life and I would hate to add to his deep-rooted pain. As we all know he has had a hard life and has major insecurity issues and is very confused and unhappy with himself. So a guy like that doesn’t really need another ass whoopin, he needs a hug. We should really pray for his troubled heart.

So just when the good guy in me is about to emerge and shine through, something hits me… Something bigger than rap beefs, something bigger than jealousy infused insults, something bigger than lackluster attention seeking punchlines, something bigger than artistic expression. I realized, that this so-called man has just disrespected and slanderized one of the world’s most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color, Mariah Carey! (WHOA WHOA WHOA, hold on a second... since when was Mariah Carey black?!! LMAO)

Some people may not realize or tend to forget that my wife is a Black woman (Huh? Maybe because she ISN'T?!!). And she has had enough difficulty in her life dealing with racial and ethnicity issues. Believe it or not, Mariah is the same racial mixture as our beloved president Barack Obama. [Black Father + White Mother= BLACK] (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA this guy's equations are too much! Black + White = BLACK, does it???)

Maybe I’m going too far (no no, keep going please!), but I thought we got passed the days where white men could spew vulgar obscenities at our beautiful queens and get away with it. What’s next? Are we going to let this trash say something horrible about our lovely first lady, Mrs. Michelle Obama? (LOL what does Michelle Obama have to do with anything?!!) Or would Marshall have talked sideways out of his neck like this about Oprah Winfrey? This act of racist bigotry cannot go unnoticed ('act of racist bigotry' you know! LOL what is this guy on?!). Calling my wife a “cunt” and a “whore” is way worse than anything Don Imus could have ever said (Ohhhhh he called her a cunt and a whore? I thought he was being racist though?) So trust, repercussions will be served. Anybody got Al Sharpton’s number?! LOL

Let’s not forget about Eminem’s amateur mixtape rants of calling African Americans Nigger and how he hates “Black Bitches”. How did we let him get away with that in the first place?! (If that bothered him so much in the first place, why didn't he pipe up and say something back then???) He is a natural born racist in disguise. Someone tell this coward that he finally barked up the wrong tree. For his entire career he strategically only tried to beef with people he could bully. I mean, what real man picks fights with women? Real MC’s battle other real MC’s. Ask Nas, ask Jay Z, you didn’t see them starting beefs with women! That is truly some punk shit!

So I’m putting this out there now. Marshall Mathers, you need to holler at me on some grown man shit. Man to man, let’s meet up and deal with this like adults. This is my invitation to you, whenever and wherever you like sir. So when you come out of your introverted hiding place and ask your bodyguards if you can go out and play by yourself, I’m here Pimp!

Your blatant disrespect not just to Black women but ALL women in general must stop. You are a despicable excuse for a man. I can’t even see how you can call yourself a father! Imagine if someone said half the stuff you say about women to your daughter, Hayley. (And I’m pretty sure they will because you got it coming Marshall.) That’s how Karma works.

You sold your little records and made a little bit of change but now you are stepping in the wrong territory. You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake (raped and pillaged??? But I thought Em "used to be incredible"???). Don’t you know that the black woman is the foundation and the strongest force in our culture? Take notes homey, Elvis would have never disrespected Aretha Franklin or Diana Ross. You were supposed to just do your little song and dance, make your little racist money and call it a day. But no, you had to dishonor the black man’s most precious counterpart.

I’m taking full action on you Eminem. I don’t know why no one has stood up to your bitch ass yet. But I guess it’s going to take a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon (yep, sounds about right!) to set you straight. And trust, I am going to be relentless. Even though I got a lot of other obligations and occupations, you are my new full time job “homey”! (Wow, dude's got time!) As a matter of fact I think you going to bring my wack rhymes out of retirement! That’s right haters; you can thank Eminem because I’m going to start rapping again! LOL Just for him! (That's his prepared excuse for when Eminem destroys him) And don’t forget about the jokes! We coming at you hard body!! Non-stop on your Manic-depressive-Insecure-Maclovin-Nazi- Liza Minelli haircut havin-lookin ass!! [Pause] That’s what I do all day Bitch! (Errr, can someone can translate that bit please?)

So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!! (...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

[Source: Thisis50.com]

OK, let's get one thing straight: if Eminem publicly calls Mariah Carey a 'cunt' and a 'whore', then by all means, Nick should have something to say about that. He's gonna be furious, understandably, and if he didn't retaliate, then we'd all think he was a shook one. So fair enough, he chose to come back at Mr Mathers. But WTF has skin colour got to do with ANYTHING? Why did he have to pull out the race card??? Since when did calling someone a 'cunt' or a 'whore' equate to racism? The guy's actually lost the plot! He's only exposed HIMSELF as a racist instead, the dumb schmuck!

"I mean let’s be honest dude used to be incredible. He was a witty lyrist with dope delivery and timing. Some even say, one of the best to ever do it. I had nothing but respect for this dude."

And then:

"You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake."

Loooooool I don't get it. He had nothing but respect for Eminem, yet he supposedly 'raped' rap music like 'a Caucasian con man'??? Make up your mind Nicholas!!!

And since when was Mariah Carey a 'BLACK' woman? LMAO oh my goodness! The way this dude tried to flip it, oh my... you've gotta love how the Obama's and Oprah Winfrey got a mention in the same post! Classic stuff...

I seriously cannot WAIT to hear Em's response to this!

Oh no she didn't...

2009-05-08T14:30:00.004+01:00

Lily Allen held no punches in a stinging attack on celebrity footballers and WAGS in a French football magazine.

The Coles and Beckhams bore the brunt of the assault by the straight-talking singer, who let rip in an interview with SoFoot.

Describing what she thought of Cheryl Cole she said: "She represents everything I hate - she is stupid, superficial, as ugly outside as inside."

Cheryl's husband Ashley didn't escape the rant either: "He is the worst, he disgusts me".

Lily, whose album It's Not Me It's You is in the top ten, then launched into David and Victoria, saying: "The Beckhams are sickening... everyone knows she is a monster."

And in case readers were still unsure of what she thinks of footballers' wives and girlfriends, she said: "I would rather shoot myself between the eyes than be a WAG."

I hope this is a case of her words being lost in translation...

How you gonna call Cheryl Cole UGLY? HAHAHA

The jealously is a looooooooooooooot, Lily. You've pretty much just described yourself there love. Let's be real now, you're the butterz one, not our Cheryl, don't ever get it twisted!

And not like I'm Victoria Beckham's biggest fan or anything, but to label her a monster? Lol that's a bit much!

She's spot on about Ashley Coleslaw - everyone knows he's a cunt - and yeah, I'd probably wanna shoot myself in the eyes too rather than be a WAG.

But lay off Cheryl, Lily. It's getting a bit boring now, and you're not gonna get anywhere with those hypocritical comments. It's not her fault she's good looking! Cheryl could have any man in the world, and the best you're doing right now is your Dad's friends. So allow yourself and STFU.

To conclude this post, let's do a quick compare and contrast shall we?

Exhibit A - Lily Allen:

Exhibit B: Cheryl Cole

SAY NO MORE!!!

The Apprentice - Quote of the week

2009-05-07T03:31:00.003+01:00

Nick Snaith to Phillip:

"Tell us about Pants Man."

*Cue complete silence from Phillip*

LMAO classic!!!

Phillip was sexy, straight up and down, but it was the right decision to fire him. He really did not have anything positive to say about Lorraine aka Mystic Meg aka Cassandra, did he? Silly Phillip...

"I could have done a better job than Lorraine."

"But you didn't sell ANYTHING."

"Yeah I know that, but I still could have done a better job."

... OK Phil.

Surprised Kate let herself down and got herself into the bottom 3. I personally think she will go on to win it - she's got charm, she's got brains and she knows how to sell. If not, it will definitely be a female winner, possibly Yasmina. Debra has potential but she's far too mouthy and controlling. Mona is alright too, but I just don't see her going the whole way. And Lorraine is causing too much controversy at the moment, plus I've read dodgy stories about her which I assume will prevent her from winning.

I can't believe I never watched any of the previous series - what was I thinking?!! The Apprentice is the fucking bollocks!

Roll on next Wednesday!

R.I.P Daniel Faraday

2009-05-05T00:30:00.003+01:00

Ah man, WTF?!!

How could they kill off one of my favourite characters??? How could they do that to me?!!

I'm so pissed man... Daniel was a safe dude like. He had all the answers. He didn't do no harm to no one! He was so sweet, bless him.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY??!

I'm gonna miss him... and his voice. It always cracked me up.

And I'm more baffled than ever. I'm trying to figure out some sort of timeline in my head, but I can't. I don't get it... say the Chinaman doctor evacuates everyone, like he's supposed to, and peeps get off the island... then what? Where does that leave Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sawyer etc. ? Is everything gonna happen all over again? OMG seriously, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to type what I'm thinking about all of this, but I actually can't! I need someone to explain everything to me!!! God, that show's so bloody confusing! My head hurts now...

Anyways, the finale is next week I believe, so here's the link to the trailer.

Omg omg omggggggg, can't wait!!!

I just had a thought: I bet you Daniel ain't even dead lol or he somehow manages to come back to life, John Locke-style. You never know with Lost! We shall see...

Deacon Blue - Real Gone Kid

2009-05-03T18:33:00.002+01:00

For all my Scots out there...

BIG TUNE

I'm a free woman!!!

2009-04-30T00:01:00.003+01:00

OMG guys, guess what???

I officially completed my degree today! Hallelujah!!!

My final ever assignment - a 3000 word project - was handed in (albeit a bit late, but who cares?) and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders! Bloody hell, it felt good! I had about 10 friggin' books from the library as well that needed to be returned, so it felt even better once I got rid of those heavy bastards!

Really, I should have put more time and effort into my last ever piece of work... but as usual, it was all lastminute.com, and I ended up writing the first sentence the night before at 1.30am - haha. OH WELL! It's done now, and I definitely don't feel like I handed in a piece of shit, so I think it's gonna be all good in the hood...

You'd think I'd feel a little bit sad for it to be all over and done with... but do I fuck! That place bored the friggin' pants off me, I tell ya. No excitement man... I feel like a lot of time was wasted there, and it certainly wasn't worth half of the fucking debt I'm in now.

I got some reeeeeal valuable advice for anyone who's considering going to uni: PLAN YOUR FINANCES PROPERLY! Don't let the fuckers get you into debt! Leave uni with more money than you went there with! Trust me, it can be done, just be careful my friends.

Yes, I owe nuff money, but on the other hand I don't really care because I know thousands of other students are in the exact same position as me, or worse off even! We're living in a recession, we're all screwed, so whatever innit.

But yeah, FINALLY!!! I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I will never have to do another piece of academic writing again! Never have to type up another tedious and more-complicated-than-it-should-be bibliography! Never have to worry about showing up to a lecture late, haha! It's all over with, apart from the ol' graduation in July! Bet you that's gonna be a fucking rip off as well!

Anyways, I think there's a moral to this story... errm... errr... oh yeah! Look guys, if you wanna go to uni, that's cool. Obviously, it's not a bad thing, but everyone's different and not everyone HAS to go, so don't let yourselves be forced into something you don't feel comfortable doing. If you're not sure what you want to be, don't spend over £3000 a year on some random art degree, just so you can say you're going to uni, ya feel me? I mean, I'm into all this journalism malarkey right, and I'll have you know that approximately 40% of all journalists do NOT have a degree to their name! How about that, eh? That's nearly half!!! So there ya go!

And don't get me wrong, I don't regret going. I enjoyed my course for the most part, it was interesting and valuable. I learnt a lot of shit that I probably would never have learnt hadn't I made the decision to carry on my education. I learnt about news values, I learnt about Laura Mulvey, I learnt about the concept of the public sphere, I learnt about Baudrillard and 'hyperreality', I learnt about the connection between culture and materialism, I learnt about ideolody, I learnt about the tabloid press and the carnivalesque, I learnt about postmodernism, I learnt about public service broadcasting, and I (kinda) figured out what the hell that dead fella Karl Marx was banging on about all those years ago. So not a bad learning experience I'd say!

But like I said before, if you're on this uni ting, just make sure, for the love of god, that you handle you're money right, because believe me - it ain't worth the P's they're robbing you for!

Farewell uni life... it's been fun being student bum! But now it's all about work life and making money (back)... and being an adult... and being responsible... and paying bills...

OMG I wanna kill myself!!!

Only joking.

And on that note, I'm gone.

Safe and bless.

My water challenge

2009-04-27T20:58:00.004+01:00

I am setting myself a challenge to drink nothing but water for this entire week.

Why?

a) To see if it will help me fight the flab quicker

b) I don't drink enough water as it is

c) ... errr just because I feel like it really

Day 1 hasn't even finished yet and I'm already struggling. Damn you delicious high juice and Coca Cola, tempting me in my fridge! Stay away from me! Just stay the fuck away! I'll be back for you later, I promise!

I shall not give in until next Monday morning, I'm telling ya!

Let's do this.

NB: Errr the drinks don't count if I go out raving on Fri/Sat! :)

TLC - Diggin' On You

2009-04-26T17:22:00.001+01:00

BIG TUNE

Arshavin = Legend

2009-04-22T00:26:00.004+01:00

4 goals at Anfield!

Arshavin officially has legendary status.

What a game! Man U for the title please.

Shifty

2009-04-21T03:01:00.003+01:00

Check out the trailer for Shifty:

The leading man is Riz Ahmed, who featured in the third issue of The Cut magazine.

Big up Riz!

I plan on going to the cinema to see this one...

If your talking the hardest...

2009-04-21T01:30:00.004+01:00

... I think 'If YOU'RE talking the hardest' makes more sense.

Nice one numbnuts.

Kyza - Love N Music

2009-04-20T17:30:00.003+01:00

OK, I'm a bit late (allow me) but here's the first single from Mr Sayso's upcoming album 'Shots Of Smirnoff', set to drop 15th June 2009:

BIG TUNE

Who remembers Arctic Rolls?

2009-04-20T03:47:00.003+01:00

The other day, I randomly checked my freezer looking for something to munch on... and lo and behold, what I did I see before me?

An Arctic Roll!

Yes, that's right. An Arctic bloody Roll!

For those who are still wondering what the hell I'm on about - observe:

I was like RAH, long time no see! I felt to high five it and everything!

OLD SKOOOOOOOOOL!

Apparantly its the 'Credit Crunch' dessert... haha, hard times man, hard times.

But I say there's nowt wrong with some good ol' Arctic Roll... infact, I'm munching on some as I type this!

Birds Eye - I salute you!

What will be the next revival I wonder???

Top 5 Lost characters

2009-04-19T20:57:00.010+01:00

There's this application on Facebook called Living Social, which basically allows users to create top 5 lists of like, everything.

For example: top 5 movies of all time, top 5 fast food chains, top 5 countries to visit... etc. etc.

So I decided to devise a list of my top 5 favourite Lost characters.

It wasn't easy... but here are the results (in no particular order):

1. John Locke

2. Benjamin Linus

3. James 'Sawyer' Ford

4. Dr. Jack Shephard

5. Daniel Faraday

I was gonna put Kate in there until I remembered the genius that is Daniel Faraday!

Also, must give a special mention to the badass that is Sayid and my fellow Scot Desmond. But these 5 characters are definitely superior in my eyes...

What do y'all think?

Rob Lowe is bare buff like

2009-04-19T15:19:00.003+01:00

Oh my lady!

Look at him! Just look at him!!!

What a fine specimen of a man I say.

CHOONG TING!

Would somebody please kill this woman?

2009-04-19T03:34:00.004+01:00

Katie Price has said that she has no regrets about her career as a glamour model and would encourage her daughter to follow in her footsteps.

The reality TV star and entrepreneur told The Sun that she would happily show her children all the topless work she has done when they are older.

Price said: "I don't have any regrets about who I am. If it wasn't for the Jordan image I wouldn't have the house and I wouldn't be able to support the kids in the way that I do.

"When they're older I can't wait to show them everything I've done. When Princess goes to The Sun when she's 18 to be a Page 3 girl, I'll encourage her."

She added: "I'll go: 'Yeah, get them out for the lads'. I think Page 3 Idol's brilliant. I started out as a Page 3 girl and it's a great career."

Earlier this year, Price bought a pink VW Beetle for her daughter Princess Tiaamii, while the toddler was also given a Louis Vuitton bag for her dummy at a fashion shoot.

Source: Digital Spy

Thank you in advance.

Some Like It Hoth trailer

2009-04-14T00:17:00.001+01:00

A Miles-centric episode, eh? This is gonna be interesting...

Bring it on!

Cowboy hairdressers

2009-04-13T02:44:00.003+01:00

So, I went up to the land of the Loch Ness this Easter weekend to celebrate my cousin's 30th birthday, and to prepare myself for the big do', I thought it would be best if I headed to the hairdressers to get a £10.50 blow dry.

Fucking bargain right? You would not get that price in London unless the hairdresser was like, blind or something.

I'd been to the same place before and the woman did a good enough job, so I was eager to go back once again.

BIG MISTAKE.

K, first of all, the numpty who washed my hair wore PLASTIC GLOVES. So whenever she ran her precious hands over my wet barnet, the roots kept getting pulled about and I was in pain.

Great start.

THEN, I made my way over to the chair and discovered a next broad was gonna be drying my hair this time. And that's when it really started to go downhill...

Seriously, I could have done a better job myself. In fact, I fucking did when I left and went back to my auntie's to do it all over again.

I think it was quite possibly the laziest and most pathetic example of hairdressing that I had ever witnessed and experienced in my entire life.

People, she used a PADDLE BRUSH to do my whole head of hair - even my side FRINGE.

WHAT A FUCKING RETARD!!! The way I wanted to just grab the rasclart brush out of her hands and wack her one time around her head with it.

ERRR HELLO? Ever heard of a round brush? You fucking lazy tool! I have long and thick hair, so how the hell am I gonna get any fucking volume in it with a god damn PADDLE BRUSH?!

Omg omg omg I WAS SO ANGRY!

And you know what else? She didn't even ask me at the beginning what I wanted her to do with my hair! She just went straight for that big ol' paddle brush and did things the easy way. Just ASSUMED that I wanted some lame poker straight, flat ass hair-do that made me look like a complete dickhead. She didn't even part it properly! At the end, my roots were still damp for crying out loud!

Oh my lady, you should have seen the mess of it. It looked HIDEOUS! I wanted to say something but I thought:

A) My mum and auntie were getting their hair done in there as well, so I didn't wanna cause a scene and fuck things up for them.

B) It was costing me £10.50

So I thought, fuck it. I'll be a pussyole and keep my mouth shut, and I'll just never come back again.

I'm telling you - shoddiest hair job EVER!!!

And can you believe she had the cheek to tell my marge after I left that her arms were aching???

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! ACHING?! ACHING?! ACHING FROM WHAT EXACTLY YOU FUCKING MORON!!!

What is it with these fucking cowboy hairdressers?

DIE MOTHERFUCKERS, DIE!!!

This watch - soon come

2009-04-13T02:39:00.001+01:00

£50

That is me boooooooy!

STANDARD STANDARD

This is how we chill from 93 'til...

2009-04-08T23:50:00.001+01:00

BIG TUNE

Six Feet Under was the nuts

2009-04-07T22:51:00.003+01:00

Hey, did anyone else used to watch the genius that was Six Feet Under?

That show was the fucking BOMB Y'ALL! Definitely not the type of programme that you would watch with your family, but amazing nonetheless!

Oh how I miss Nate, Brenda, David and co.

:'(

And it had the best ending as well! I remember bawling like a bitch when I watched it. OVERLY pissed when it finished for good.

Check it out man:

The bit when David see's Keith again playing football... gets me every time!

*sniff sniff*

RIP Six Feet Under - sorely missed.

Strange Love

2009-04-07T20:56:00.002+01:00

BIG TUNE

Top 5 Eastenders characters

2009-04-06T13:56:00.009+01:00

Right, I don't even hardly watch Eastenders, but whenever a big storyline is about to come to a conclusion, I'll give it a whirl and laugh at how shockingly unrealistic it is along with the bad acting.

Example: Peggy Mitchell's wedding and Danielle's unexpected demise last week. I was quite entertained by that episode I'll admit, but WTF@ the ending.

As we all know, everything takes place in the 'Square' and no one actually leaves Walford to go to other parts of London like people do in real life - everyone buys their garms from the market; everyone goes to the 'caff' for breakfast lunch and dinner; everyone goes to the Vic to drink; everyone goes to the laundrette to wash their clothes because they don't seen to own washing machines or tumble dryers; everyone goes to quite possibly the lamest nightclub in history to rave, which I can't even remember the name of it's that dry.

So anyways, it was obvious that Janine was gonna be driving around in circles that night. But I just found it hilarious that she was meant to be speeding around the square and must have done so approximately 20 times before Danielle appeared on the road and got run down by her. And furthermore, that Danielle actually stopped and looked at the car coming towards her for a good 5 seconds or so and then literally allowed herself to be run over! But that's Eastenders for ya...

As always though, I was in awe of the legend that is Max Branning. That dude is too 'ard mate! So then I thought to myself - who are the best characters in Albert Square?

I came up with a top 5 list, and here they are, in no particular order:

1. Max Branning - the 'ardest player around

2. Jean Slater - the loveable nutjob

3. Janine Butcher - the baddest bitch

4. Patrick Trueman - the Ladbroke Grove representative, YA MUUUN!

5. Ian Beale - the pencil neck geek

What do you reckon? Do you agree with my list? Who would make your top 5?

Holla!

Dead Is Dead trailer

2009-04-06T01:50:00.002+01:00

Ben + Locke = BANG BANG EPISODE

Can't wait for this one!

Eggnog got slewed

2009-04-05T17:06:00.005+01:00

Can you believe this kid actually had the audacity to make an album???

Check out the review on Digital Spy:

Four months after last year's X Factor final, the most memorable thing about the singer who finished in third place is his name. Owen? Eoin? Euan? Nah, it's "Eoghan" apparently. Hmm... is that pronounced to rhyme with toboggan? No, actually it's like the surname of the shortest member of Take That. Good. Glad we've got that one cleared up.

Anyway, it comes as a bit of a surprise to find Eggnog, who made his way to the final as much on boyish charm than any innate singing talent, releasing the first X Factor Class Of '08 record. RCA seem to have missed a trick in failing to put this out before Mother's Day, but the delay can't have been caused by a painstaking search for the right material. Eunice's album features just one original track, a fairly forgettable pop-rock tune called '28,000 Friends' that sounds like track eight from a Busted album.

That aside, Enoch's album is filled with covers of songs he sang on The X Factor (a cheap-sounding remake of 'We're All In This Together', a listless take on 'Does Your Mother Know', a version of 'Never Forget' that's about as rousing as a bout of the flu) and songs he probably would have sung on The X Factor were it a few weeks longer ('She's The One' - pleasant enough, 'All About You' - dull as dieting). The only relatively obscure selections are 'Learn To Fly', a forgotten a1 ballad, and 'When You Look Me In The Eyes', a Jonas Brothers single that flopped on this side of the Atlantic.

Unsurprisingly, none of these covers trumps the version we all know and love. More shocking is the low quality control that's been applied to Emmenthal's vocals. 'Does Your Mother Know' and 'All About You' both feature bum notes aplenty, while the way he attempts to sing the chorus of 'Never Forget' is positively wince-inducing. These shaky performances serve to make the album sound amateurish as well as utterly redundant - and Elephant shows only fleeting glimpses of the charm that endeared him to X Factor viewers. The only saving grace? We won't be worrying how to pronounce his name again until Dancing On Ice 2011.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! They boyd him, HAHAHA! Dancing On Ice you know... that's a par mate.

I swear, I don't think I've ever seen a one star rated album before on there. Simon Cowell is gonna be overly pissed.

I'm bizzack

2009-04-05T15:31:00.002+01:00

Yagga yo,

I ain't been on this shit in time, but now I'm BACK.

Had four rasclart uni deadlines last week... yes FOUR in one week! Including the big 'D' aka my dissertation. They take the piss... but it's all good though because I got everything done in typical McBarbie lastminute.com style, and I can breathe again for the next couple of weeks until I have to hand in my final assignment EVER!

After that, it's time to party like a rockstar and prepare myself for Miami 09. YEH MUHFUCKA YEH!!! That's how I'm rolling out here, ya dig?!

The only downside is that I won't get student discount anymore - PISSED.

Anyways, I've got mad shit to blog about - haven't been able to have a good rant in a while! So watch this space...

I'll be back in a bit yeah.

SAFE

Jack Shephard vs. John Locke

2009-03-02T01:25:00.004Z

What's good.

If you're a Lost fan (and if you're not, then you fucking should be), check out this fan made YouTube video that covers the history of the captivating relationship between Dr. Jack Shephard and the legend that is John Locke.

"I don't believe in destiny."

"Yes you do - you just don't know it yet."

Fucking love it!!!

All hail John Locke!

The Cut Issue 3 OUT NOW

2009-02-26T00:45:00.005Z

It's finally here!

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you the brand new Cut magazine!

The Cut team have been working long and hard over the cold winter months to bring you the third issue of the most innovative and streetwise youth-led magazine in London town!

This time around, you can look forward to reading about the likes of Charlie Crockett, De Tropix, DELS, Ava Leigh, Crazy Cousins, Kyza Smirnoff and Boris Johnson.

Alongisde that, we've got pieces on Obama's presidential triumph, secret style histories, greyhound racing, modern slanguage, London's most talented young comedians and a 'Back to the Old School' themed fashion shoot.

Be sure to check out our website, where you will also be able to download a PDF file of the magazine.

http://www.thecutnewspaper.com/

Keep it greazy!

The Brits 09

2009-02-19T01:44:00.003Z

So what did everyone think?

Personally... I kinda enjoyed it. Thought Matthew Horne and James Corden were hilarious (the Craig David boyage was too much LOL bless him), and Kylie was alright too.

Enjoyed the performances by Kings of Leon, Duffy and my favourite ladies Girls Aloud, brap! They finally got an award as well! Did you see how wasted Sarah was? HAHA!

But the performance that really smacked it was of course the Estelle and Ting Tings collabo - even though I'm fed up of hearing American Boy, it was a nice little mix that worked really well.

Surprised Katy Perry won the best international female award... where was Rihanna in the nominations?

So, soooo relieved Kanye won best international male! 808's and Heartbreaks is one hard album.

And was it just me, or did anyone else get confused about what decade we are in??? Neil Diamond, Iron Maiden, AC/DC, U2... WTF?! Old man rockers, go away! Especially you Bono! Actually you need to just die already. HOW ANNOYING IS HE?!

Anyways, that's my 50 pence on the matter. I will leave you with a YouTube link to the best performance of the night.

PEACE

FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY

2009-02-14T18:18:00.002Z

That's all I gotta say.

And now I'm off to get hammered, hahaha!

The Cut Issue 3 - not long to wait now...

2009-02-12T13:56:00.004Z

So I saw some previews of the new issue of The Cut magazine yesterday evening...

and I can tell you right now - it's gonna be the best one yet.

You can expect to see pieces on the likes of DELS, Crazy Cousins, Boris Johnson, Sarah Maple, Goldielocks, Emily Cummins, De Tropix, Kyza Smirnoff, Giggs, Tim Campbell and much, much more!

Issue 3 will be out VERY soon, so watch this space!!!

Anyone who wants to get involved with the mag (contribution, promotion, distribution), do not hesitate to get in touch.

Big up the whole Cut crew for all their hard work and dedication - it's a lot!

Check out these links in the mean time:

http://www.thecutnewspaper.com/

www.myspace.com/stowe_newspaper

And don't forget to check out our Facebook group 'The Cut Magazine!' and join our fan page!

Peace

Prince Harry needs to hold it down

2009-02-11T10:09:00.004Z

So Prince Harry has started up yet another race row.

This time, he has been accused of racism after telling black comedian Stephen K Amos: "You don't sound like a black chap." at a celebration of Prince Charles' 60th birthday.

This was apparantly Harry's idea of congratulating Mr Amos on his successful performance.

First there was the fancy dress Nazi uniform, then there was the "our little Paki friend" comment, and now this.

Harry, I beg you shut your mouth man. You're giving us white people a bad name, as well as your own family and the upper class. You're meant to be setting a bloody example you fool.

How are young people today, living in the multi-cultural society that we live in, supposed to relate to the Royal family when shizzle like this comes out? They're so out of touch man, it's embarassing.

Fix up!

Hold tight Noel Clarke

2009-02-10T21:43:00.005Z

I know I'm a bit late, but I just wanted to dedicate one of my posts to the main man that is Mr Noel Clarke for his BAFTA win the other day.

For those who don't know by now, Noel won the Orange Rising Star Award, which was voted for by the great British public.

Noel is quoted to have said:

"It speaks volumes about what is happening in the world. If I'm not testament that a council estate kid can do all right then I don't know what is."

Brrrrrrap! That's what I'm talking about peeps!

Grove council estate boy done good. He even went to St. Charles, haha! Now that is what I call an achievement.

Big up yourself Noel and keep doing your thing. You're an inspiration.

Give the Oscar to Mickey Rourke

2009-02-08T18:55:00.004Z

So I went to see The Wrestler the other day.

Someone had warned me beforehand it was 'shit' and that the ending was possibly the worst ever. But I just didn't believe her, and I had been looking forward to seeing this film for weeks, so yeah I watched it.

And it was fucking good!

The cinema dude told us that it was an 'emotional' film and 'harder to watch' than our other choice, Slumdog Millionaire. And yeah, it was emotional but the emotion was understated I'd say, and it actually didn't make me cry - I expected to be balling my eyes out watching it! I think the saddest part was after he had that sweet dance with his daughter and then had a little heart-to-heart with her - that got me a bit choked.

I also didn't realise it wasn't gonna be a typical 'Hollywood' film with loads of cheesy bits in it - very much like professional wrestling also - but it was the complete opposite. And no one could have predicted that ending, whether they felt it was good or bad (I'm still debating that, but I'm leaning towards the 'good' side). Randy's loneliness was very well portrayed and I felt that it produced a realistic picture of the world of professional wrestling.

I think I'm gonna add this to my DVD collection when it comes out. I ain't even seen any of the other Oscar-nominated films (I am dying to see Benjamin Button though) but fuck it, give the best actor award to Mickey and the supporting actress award to Marisa Tomei because she was fucking great as well.

Peace out.

The Cut MySpace

2009-02-06T01:54:00.005Z

Please check out the newly improved MySpace page for The Cut magazine:

http://www.myspace.com/stowe_newspaper

The Cut is an innovative and streetwise lifestyle magazine created and put together by young people from all backgrounds across London.

Issue 3 soon come!

K, I really don't like Lily Allen anymore...

2009-01-22T17:57:00.005Z

Before I start bitching about Lily again, let's talk CBB first.

OMG I can't believe La Toya went first yesterday! I was certain she was going to make it to the final day. These Jacksons man, they keep surprising us! Everyone thinks they're a bunch of freaks with stretched plastic faces and bad nose jobs, then they come along out of nowhere with these softly-spoken voices and impeccable manners, and you just can't help but really like them!

The Jacksons are alright you know!

Anyways, La Toya didn't deserve to go first, I mean WTF, who is actually voting for Ben?!! Nice guy and everything... but THAT'S IT! NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER!

Even worse: WHO'S VOTING FOR ULRIKA?! Bloody hell, where is this secret support coming from??? All the woman does is pull miserable faces in the house, moping around in her velour pants and speaking to everyone like they're her kids! She better be out first on Friday...

Right back to the matter at hand:

Lily Allen.

Again.

Please, just shut the fuck up and stop embarassing yourself with DUMB and blatantly attention-seeking comments.

After the whole 'as long as you can go to work the next day, it's alright to take cocaine a few times a week' furore, now she's been banging on about having so-called regular 'lesbian experiences' and 'fantasies'.

"I did once snog these identical twins in San Diego. I was on the sofa and I had them both, I was dancing and shoving my a**e on one of them and one on my front bottom.

That’s the only time, but I do have wet dreams - lesbian dreams - quite a lot."

Yeah alright Lily, whatever you say.

Why didn't I see from the beginning this stupid broad just chats crap to get meaningless attention and cheap publicity?! I bet you she's the type of girl that would start lipsing random girls at a party or something just for the benefit of the boys who would be watching. I hate that shit.

So yeah Lily, just shut your mouth and stop begging attention for once in your life. You don't need to tell us about your lesbian fantasies and wet dreams to remind us that you exist. Just stick to writing your music and singing because you really don't need to talk as much as you do.

And on that note, I'm gone.

BLESS

Coolio or Terry to win CBB6

2009-01-20T00:33:00.004Z

Hello all.

I haven't commented on CBB6 as much as I intended to, but oh well. The show's nearly done and the final's round the corner.

After Michelle's abrupt exist, we are now left with Terry, Coolio, Tommy, La Toya, Ulrika, Verne and the other fella. Haha.

I really hope Coolio or Terry win. Terry is simply the dog's bollocks - his knowledge of like, everything, is fascinating, and he's been fair and pleasant without being boring or a sap. Coolio has made CBB6, and if it wasn't for him being there the show would have sucked BADLY.

I mean, this one hasn't been as entertaining or gripping as past series. Compare it to the one with Pete Burns (bastard but hilarious nonetheless), Michael Barrymore (arsehole) and Dennis Rodman (legend), or the one with John McCririck, Bez and Brigitte Nielsen (all legends). Classic BB entertainment right there!

This one ain't been too bad though. We discovered that Tina Malone IS Mimi Maguire, Michelle from Liberty X cries a lot, and La Toya Jackson actually isn't a freak after all! She's kinda normal... and nice... and she has a banging figure for a 52 year old!

I really like Tommy as well but I know he's not gonna win - I thought I wouldn't like him but I was wrong. I guess I was just ignorantly basing my assumption on all that hassle he had with the NOTW. And you gotta love how he's been wearing the Scotland strip in there all the time, haha. REPPING! I can't understand why he's not that popular with the viewing public... ?

I like Verne too but I don't think he should win. I have a feeling a lot of his votes are gonna be the result of people who feel sorry for him because of his condition, and that ain't right or fair.

Please please PLEASE don't let Ulrika win! Oh my god, I think I would actually die of anger.

Get this: she's actually been referred to as a 'feminist icon'.

...

LOL feminist icon??? ULRIKA IS A FEMINIST ICON?!!

Get the fuck outta here! If 4X4 Ulrika is a feminist icon, we have SERIOUS issues in this world.

Get Ulrika out

2009-01-09T19:50:00.006Z

Check out this gem of a quote from Ulrika Jonsson on Celeb BB uttered during a whispered discussion about Tommy Sheridan with Michelle Heaton:

"You know, if you have any dignity or class... *laughs* no but if you hold yourself as a serious politician, I don't believe you would put yourself in a showbiz environment."

...

I'm sorry... was that the Ulrika Jonsson talking about dignity and class?

Ulrika Jonsson?

Same Ulrika who had an affair with a cameraman from Gladiators when she was married to someone else?

Same Ulrika who had another affair with Sven Goran Eriksson?

Same Ulrika with 4 kids by 4 different baby-fathers?

Let's not forget the John Leslie saga...

And the bitch wants to talk about someone else lacking in dignity and class???

Have a fucking word!

My god, that woman is vile beyond belief. I think she may be on par with Jordan when it comes to hypocrisy - and that's saying something!

Get her saggy has-been arse out of the house ASAP please. She's a waste of bloody space.

Lily Allen is waste

2009-01-08T18:43:00.004Z

Check this article out from Digital Spy:

Lily Allen has become caught up in a cocaine controversy by appearing to condone its use.

The singer claimed that friends who use the drug can still manage to lead a normal life.

"I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem at all," the star told Metro.

"But we never hear that side of the story. I have no statement to make, I just wish people wouldn't sensationalise this thing that just exists.

"The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you - you will become a prostitute, a rapist or a dealer. But that's not true."

Despite admitting that she no longer uses the drug, Allen added that in previous times cocaine had been 'dished out' within the music industry.

"I'd have been booked in at the Ritz with five grams of cocaine on my table," she added.

********************

Seriously... do I even need to explain how STUPID she is???

What a fucking tool.

Why do people always try to make out cocaine is a 'nothing' drug? They treat it so casually, like it can't kill you.

Well I got news for you peeps - it bloody well can.

Oh yeah, just sniff a couple of times of week, as long as you go to work the next day, you'll be alright!

I can't believe she had the audacity to publicly say something like that. One minute she's like 'I'm off the drugs, drugs are bad, I'm off the booze, I'm so mature now, I go to art galleries and stuff' and then the next she's coming out with TRIPE like that! Unbelievable.

What's happened to this girl? I used to love her off back in the day, praise her every move. Don't get me wrong, I still think she's got talent and she knows how to sing. But she is just constantly taking the piss these days. I feel like I can't relate to her anymore.

If she ain't making a tit out of herself putting charlie up her conk, she's dating some scruffy old man old enough to her dad - or better yet, her dad's mate! Or she's posing in her underwear for GQ magazine (OK it wasn't that bad, but still!), or she's developed some annoying posh accent for her crappy BBC chat show! I mean, what was that all about?! She never talked like that before???

Lily, you're getting on my fucking nerves rudegirl. I feel like I ain't got time for you no more. I don't think I'm even buying the new album - I might just illegally download it, haha! You need to FIX UP and fast...

Bless.

Surviving Gazza

2009-01-05T23:38:00.003Z

Happy new year everyone.

OK, so I just watched the Gazza documentary that was on Channel 4.

Interesting...

There's a few points I want to raise in regards to the programme that baffled me/amused me/angered me.

First of all - why did they keep going on about Gazza being the "kid's" father figure when he isn't even Bianca's and Mason's biological dad and he didn't exactly stick around for long when they were growing up? I thought it was funny and weird that his biological son thought the least of him and clearly didn't care too much to have a relationship with his dad. And who can blame him??? Gazza left when he was like, 18 months say, and on top of that, he beat the shit out of the boy's mum on various occasions. Why should he give a toss?

Then you've got the other two banging on about how he's still their 'dad' and how much they love him and how they'll never give up on him and bla bla bla.

Oh come off it! So you're standing up for someone who isn't even blood related to you and who abused the person who IS blood related to you and who actually brought you up i.e. your mum. What kind of bullshit is that?!

Don't get me wrong, I know Gazza's ill and fucked up and I know he's like, one of the greatest footballers this country's ever produced. But you can't excuse his behaviour and actions just because once upon a time he knew how to kick a ball about and score some goals.

And why was he even let out of the Priory when he was clearly still insane?! I didn't get that part... the man's rambling on about bad luck with odd numbers and phone calls to the Pope and yet he is allowed back into society to roam free and do whatever the hell he likes? How did he even manage to travel from country to country in the state that he was in? Who was letting him board his flights?!!

And Sheryl's like, "I'm doing it for the kids, the kids want him back in the house."

Errr if the "kids" wanna live with him so badly, they are old enough to move out and move in with Gazza elsewhere! And then they can put up with all the violence, the outbursts, the insane ramblings, the odd behaviour, the non-stop drinking...

Nah didn't think so.

The whole thing was just fucked up and bullshit. Leave the man alone. If he hasn't realised by now what he's doing wrong, then that's his business. Only he can help himself at that point, no one else. And if he never realises, then oh well. That's life I'm afraid. That's his decision to make.

I'm gone.

BLESS

X Factor voting details - errrr WTF?!

2008-12-16T08:49:00.002Z

Check this out everyone:

TOTAL VOTES CAST OVER ENTIRE SERIES : 16,469,064

Show 1
Eoghan Quigg 21.19%
Scott Bruton 19.48%
Laura White 16.99%
Diana Vickers 7.35%
Daniel Evans 7.21%
Alexandra Burke 7.20%
JLS 5.03%
Rachel Hylton 4.77%
Austin Drage 3.63%
Ruth Lorenzo 3.47%
Girlband 2.17%
Bad Lashes 1.51% (Deadlock)

Show 2
Eoghan Quigg 26.77%
Diana Vickers 16.24%
JLS 9.21%
Laura White 8.99%
Austin Drage 8.98%
Daniel Evans 8.23%
Alexandra Burke 7.15%
Rachel Hylton 5.01%
Scott Bruton 4.17%
Ruth Lorenzo 2.95%
Girlband 2.30% (Deadlock)

Show 3
Eoghan Quigg 20.73%
Diana Vickers 15.13%
Rachel Hylton 12.21%
JLS 10.81%
Ruth Lorenzo 8.93%
Alexandra Burke 8.83%
Laura White 7.53%
Austin Drage 6.22%
Daniel Evans 5.94%
Scott Bruton 3.67% (Judges)

Show 4
Eoghan Quigg 19.81%
JLS 17.00%
Diana Vickers 15.24%
Daniel Evans 10.83%
Ruth Lorenzo 10.25%
Alexandra Burke 8.82%
Laura White 7.38%
Austin Drage 6.86% (Judges)
Rachel Hylton 3.81%

Show 5
Eoghan Quigg 27.39%
Alexandra Burke 18.35%
Daniel Evans 13.77%
JLS 13.26%
Rachel Hylton 10.39%
Laura White 9.90% (Judges)
Ruth Lorenzo 6.94%

Show 6
Diana Vickers 31.30%
Eoghan Quigg 19.56%
Ruth Lorenzo 13.91%
Alexandra Burke 13.31%
JLS 9.91%
Daniel Evans 7.53% (Judges)
Rachel Hylton 4.48%

Show 7
Eoghan Quigg 31.79%
Diana Vickers 18.94%
Ruth Lorenzo 16.07%
Alexandra Burke 14.97%
JLS 11.75%
Rachel Hylton 6.48% (Judges)

Show 8
Alexandra Burke 24.53%
JLS 24.34%
Eoghan Quigg 19.58%
Diana Vickers 16.32%
Ruth Lorenzo 15.23% (Public)

Show 9
JLS 35.03%
Alexandra Burke 31.04%
Eoghan Quigg 21.14%
Diana Vickers 12.79% (Public)

Show 10 (Final) – At vote freeze
Alexandra Burke 44.02%
JLS 30.65%
Eoghan Quigg 25.33%

Show 10 (Final) – Final Result
Alexandra Burke 58.34%
JLS 41.66%

... So Eggnog won SIX out of 10 shows?!!

Oh my lady!

WHO THE HELL WAS VOTING FOR THIS GUY???

Scott finished 2nd in the first week!
Daniel never finished bottom!
Alexandra won only one show outside of the final!

Revelations or what?!!

X Factor final 2008

2008-12-16T08:23:00.004Z

What's good people?

Thought I'd take this opportunity to make some random observations and comments about the grand X Factor final that happened a couple of days ago.

I wanted Alexandra to win, JLS 2nd and Eggnog 3rd - the British public agreed.
I know Alexandra is a human being but all that hyperventilating and non-stop crying made me cringe.
Beyonce smacked it - effortless.
Alexandra's duet with Beyonce = very sweet.
JLS = Blacklife - well done Louis (tit).
Ronan Keating completely took over from Eggnog.
Ronan Keating = ginger facial hair and wrinkly.
Boyzone in general = looked like shit.
I actually felt sorry for Eggnog.
Cheryl's dress - nuff said.
Cheryl's skin and bones look - nuff said.
Dannii's curves - that's a good look.
Rachel - was she even wearing make-up??!
Hallelujah - should be Diana's song.

Overall, Alexandra was definately the deserved winner but after watching some of her past performances before she got booted off, I feel that Laura White was the best vocalist out the lot.

6 months to go until X Factor 2009!

Heads, shoulders, knees and toes...

2008-12-12T15:45:00.003Z

Man dem lemme see you keep it sho!

Ladies lemme see you go down low!

Heads, shoulders, knees and toes! Heads, shoulders, knees and toes!

HAHAHAHAHA!

This tune is haaaaaard!

List of things that piss me off - pt. 2

2008-12-12T00:35:00.004Z

11. When people make plans to meet up with you, then they dowse and don’t even bother to provide you with an explanation. Ignorant PRICKS.

12. Those fucking annoying generic ‘MySpace Hoes’ comments, e.g. “Just passin tru 2 show some luv! Hope all is bless... take it easy, don’t be a stranger 2 my page bbz xxx” – get out of here man. Oh and those blasted spam comments as well, and when people don’t even bother to delete them and allow them to clog up their page! WHY???

13. Dirty old perverts who try to add you when they have nuff skets in their top friends that they blatantly don’t know outside of MySpace, you bunch of sad bastards! Why would I want to be friends with a 49 year old man who's not in my family? FUCK OFF!

14. When old people try to shove past you when you’re getting on the bus, just because they’re old. Errrr if you wait two fucking seconds grandma, I’ll gladly let you get on first so you can take your seat at the front, but no, you’re too rasclart quick!

15. Speaking of old people on buses: when they don’t give you two seconds to give up your seat for them before they start moaning and tutting over having to stand and that kids ain’t got no respect... again, TOO QUICK. And besides, even if I don’t give up my seat, how do you if I’m not well enough to stand myself? Maybe I’ve got a fucking broken foot or some shit, maybe I’m up the duff for all you know?! So get the hell off my case you old demented bastards!

16. The N7 bus. I won’t even go into this one... nuff said.

17. Night buses in general. Nuff said.

18. When people try and tell me that I’m not really Scottish because I was born in London. Oh OK, so I have like, 10 generations of family that all come from Scotland, but I’m NOT Scottish? If I was born in Japan, would you say I’m Japanese? NO YOU WOULDN’T. People need to recognise that England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are all separate fucking countries! Douchebags.

19. People that don’t know how to say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’.

20. People that interrupt other people when they’re talking, because they think that their point/story is more important and interesting when in actual fact most of the time it’s not, and then they don’t even bother to go back to what you were saying in the first place. MY GOD, that is one of the most annoying things in the world, I truly can’t STAND it when people interrupt others on a regular basis. Do yourself a favour and SHUT THE FUCK UP for once in your life! KMT!

And yes I did just write KMT! lol

I'm only playing.

Part 3 soon come.

JLS are screwed

2008-12-11T19:37:00.008Z

So the X Factor final is happening this Saturday night coming.

And the 'special' guests that will be performing with the three finalists have been confirmed.

Alexandra has got BEYONCE.

JLS were supposed to have Rihanna but she's dropped out so now they have...

... wait for it...

WESTLIFE
..................................................................................

And Eggnog has BOYZONE.

Seriously... WESTLIFE and BOYZONE?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Is that REALLY the best Simon and Louis could come up with?! Louis' choice is especially lazy.

JLS and WestSHITE do not go hand in hand. It's safe to say they're blatantly NOT winning the competition now. From Rihanna to Westlife - they're PISSED.

I see Alexandra winning it now and I hope she does.

If Eggnog wins I think they might as well make this X Factor the last because that would be some straight bullshit right there and the show would literally lose all credibility that most people believe it lacks anyway.

OK I'm gone.

BLESS

Britney week on X Factor - the worst ever?

2008-12-02T00:49:00.005Z

One thing that pisses me off about the X Factor is the way the judges all lick celebrity arse, especially Simon! As surprising as that may sound, it's true.

On Saturday's show Britney Spears made her long-awaited comeback on British television, performing for the first time in over four years.

And boy was it a let down!

Look, I'm a supporter of Britney. I'm perfectly aware of the shit she went through prior to her comeback and the media's disgraceful, inhumane treatment of her during all her mental problems. So I'm all for Britney getting back to her normal self and having a successful career once again.

However, she went on a show that functions through LIVE performances by amateur singers and she MIMED. She mimed, everyone. And what's worse, did anyone actually expect her to NOT mime? It was so predictable that she would not deliver a live performance. I don't give a fuck if she was dancing or not because her dancing wasn't all that either. If you can't dance and sing at the same time, then don't do both. Just sing. Simple as that.

Is it just me or did she look slightly uncomfortable and like she was kinda unsure of herself? I don't think that was the same Britney as before... maybe she was too nervous. Plus her hair and make-up sucked. Who was styling this woman on the night? Whoever you are, you should blatantly get sacked.

And then she gave the vaguest, shortest and most useless answers in history to Dermot when he questioned her about the show and the contestants! That made me cringe so much. It was obvious she hadn't bothered to watch any of the performances beforehand. This was confirmed when I read later on that Simon had approached her in her dressing room and asked if she had been watching backstage and she told him no, leaving him visibly gobsmacked.

Why didn't she watch them? Why didn't she give masterclasses or whatever they're called to the contestants, like all the other guests have done? What was the actual POINT in her being there???

And then, to top it off, Miley friggin' Cyrus - who is like, 10 years younger then Britney - comes out of nowhere and sings live and in tune while dancing at the same time! What's that all about, eh?!!

I'm sorry, but it was just so pathetic. Britney is quite possibly the most overrated, over hyped recording artist in history.

Britney week SUCKED!!!

Dumb retail assistants

2008-11-27T17:15:00.003Z

So the other day, I went to Westfield and bought a new winter coat from River Island. Very cute. However, when I got home I realised a button was missing on one of the fucking sleeves - great.

You know what, River Island are actually quite bad for faulty items. I remember I was gonna buy a party dress from there for me birthday last year, and when I attempted to try it on, nuff sequins were flying everywhere! And that shit was gonna cost me £70 or something, get outta here man!

Anyways, I wanted to get an exchange right. I thought I should call up the shop and see if they had another size 10 because I didn't wanna trek all the way back there for them to not have another coat in stock for me. So I called up and described the coat to a woman who worked there and she went off to find it for me... then she came back and said hello. I said hello back. Then I heard her talking to someone else... then she hung up!

The bloody cheek of it! Why the hell did she hang up for??? MORON!

So I called back and someone else answered and she sounded a bit baffled when I told her the other chick hung up. Then the other woman came back on the phone and asked me if it was about the coat and then said she'd found one for me.

Errrr well that's all well and good love, but next time do you wanna apologise for hanging up the damn phone on a customer you ignorant tit?!

I swear, I don't know how most peeps get jobs in the retail industry, because too many of them lack BASIC manners. I had to return a shitty broken necklace to New Look as well - you should have seen the way the girl was acting who did the refund! All slumped over the desk like she was about to fall asleep any second, couldn't even bring herself to stand up properly. Kept yawning in front of me and took about 10 minutes to give me my money back. Like fucks sake, that shit is meant to take like, 2 minutes max! WTF you playing at woman, do you think I've got all day to be here?!! Dumbass broad!

OK she wasn't being directly rude to me, but it's just ignorance man. If you can't do the job properly, then just fucking quit and go find another one! All the staff there looked like they wanted to kill themselves in there, all depressed and shit! I know to not to apply to New Look when I want a likkle job in the near future, lemme tell you that right now!

PEACE

She's gone

2008-11-23T22:16:00.008Z

Well people, Rachel Hylton's controversial X Factor journey has come to an end.

I was a fan of hers from day one, but I understand why other peeps didn't warm to her, and her performances were not consistent - not helped by dodgy song choices.

Personally, I felt she outsang JLS on the main show and during the bottom two sing-off as well. However, seeing as that was her third time in the bottom two, I suppose it was only fair that it was her last. Unfortunately, it was plain to see she was never going to win the competition. The voting public did not get her... erm, 'ghetto' personality shall we say, and I suppose the gunshot hand sign she did last weekend when she triumphed over Daniel didn't help either. Maybe when she learns to tone things down a notch and figures out when to shutup every once in a while, she can enjoy great success in the future. I hope she does anyway.

JLS have been more consistent and it was their first time in the bottom two. I don't know why 'A Million Love Songs' didn't work for them... they're supposed to be the bollocks at the harmony stuff, but they flopped on the night. Something wasn't right... why the judges didn't comment on their vocal performance just baffled me. You would expect Simon to especially. But I like them and hopefully they will last longer than Eggnog.

I like everyone else who is left except for him. Ruth is my favourite now. Don't you just love the way Simon is clearly mesmerised every time she takes to the stage? HAHAHA.

I hope Rachel gets signed up regardless of her early exit. She smacked it.

*does gunshot hand sign*

I'm gone.

P.S. Louis is an immature PRICK.

P.P.S. Why did Same Difference come back on the show to MIME their performance? My god, they're annoying.