Two words...

NOSE JOB.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Oh Leona, Leona, Leona...

Now you're known as the girl from The Apprentice who got her kit off for Zoo

*Slow claps*

Well done Joanna Riley, well done for using a serious, business opportunity like The Apprentice to strip to your underwear for a tacky lads mag. You must be so proud.

According to the article in which I discovered this disappointing and distasteful downfall, Miss Riley had this to say:

"It’s been a totally new experience for me. I’ve never done anything like this, but it’s been fun.

I just wanted to bring the fun side of me out because in The Apprentice, I was very professional and business-like.

I wanted to prove you can still be sexy in business as well and hopefully I’ve done that. This is just showing a prettier side of me. I’m really pleased with the shoot."

Yeah well you can throw all that professional and business-like demeanour out of the window now luv because no one is gonna take you seriously again after posing for friggin' ZOO magazine. What the hell were you thinking woman? Somehow I don't think this is quite what Lord Sugar meant when he advised you to go back to your cleaning business and concentrate on developing the company.

She also insists she's been offered countless job opportunities and doesn't stop picking up the phone.

SO WHY NOT TAKE UP ONE OF THOSE OPPORTUNITIES INSTEAD OF STRIPPING TO YOUR BRA AND PANTIES IN A NATIONAL MAGAZINE SO SOME PATHETIC GIMP CAN HAVE A CHEAP WANK OVER YOU?!!

Argh, my brain hurts. Why do 'smart' women do this to themselves? The female gender struggle to gain respect in business as it is, and this idiot has only encouraged that.

She didn't want to be known as 'Joanna the cleaner'. Now she's known as 'Joanna from The Apprentice who got her kit off for a lads mag'.

Congratulations you complete moron!

All London bus drivers must BURN IN HELL

Peeps, it's time for the inevitable today - a big fat, potty-mouthed rant.

Have you ever wondered why London bus drivers have such STANK attitude all the time? I dunno what their problem is, all they gotta do is sit behind some protective plastic shit and drive a fucking bus. They don't really have to talk to anyone or worry about customer service - the last time I heard a London bus driver say hello or smile was 19 diggity 2.

So what's the fuss? Why the need to be so rude and unaccommodating to innocent passengers? Why air the sorry fuckers out who almost kill themselves running for the bus they are so desperate to catch?

I'm sick of these grumpy, unsympathetic bastards. They get away with murder!

Today, I had to leave work early to make a doctor's appointment, which had been booked last minute and was an appointment I NEEDED to go to as I was in a fair bit of pain at the time. As I went to top up my oyster card to board the next departing tube, I realised I'd fucked up big time - I'd left my purse at home.

I left my god damn purse at HOME. And I had 30 friggin' measly PENCE to show for it!

I really thought I was done for. I needed to get the tube AND a bus in order to make my appointment on time. Desperation sunk in and I knew I'd have to blag it, just this once.

So I approached the stern looking chappy at the station and explained my dire situation and asked kindly if he would let me proceed with my journey without paying just this once. Miraculously, the chappy wasn't so stern after all, and let me through without ease. Result!

I had no problems getting off the tube as nobody was there (what's new) to question me - hehe, suckers.

Next mission - blag the bus ride.

So the first bus arrived. I tried the ol' "let me tap my oyster on the reader and do that jaw dropping thingy when I realise there's not enough money on there". The driver quickly informed me of my problem, to which I politely asked him if it was OK to let me on for just two stops in order to get to emergency appointment on time.

"NO."

"Errr... I'm sorry?"

"NO. YOU CANNOT STAY ON BUS."

"Erm it's only two stops Mr Bus Driver, can't you make an exception just this once? I don't have any money on me and it's an emergency."

"NO. THERE IS BANK THERE AND SHOP THERE, YOU CAN TOP UP."

"... OK but I don't have ANY money whatsoever, can't you help me?"

"NO."
..................... what a fucking NUMPTY!!! I wanted to punch his face in so bad, but I knew my time was up. "Thanks for nothing" was the last thing I said to him.

OK OK, next bus is coming. Surely somethings gotta give!

This time, I tried to the honest approach. Honesty is always the best policy, right?

WRONG.

*Steps onto bus* "Excuse me Mr Bus Driver, I don't have enough money on my oyster card but I really need to get to an appointment urgently, is it OK to stay on for just two stops?"

"WHAT? NO."

"... But I don't have any money right now to top up, please can you just let me stay for two stops?!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO MONEY? WHO LEAVES THEIR HOUSE WITHOUT MONEY?"

"Erm, it was an accident, I didn't mean to."

*Driver remains stony faced and shakes his head*

"OK, STAY THERE!"

"Thank you." (as if I'm gonna go upstairs and get comfortable, WTF?!)

The moaning driver then proceeded to talk to himself, stating his disbelief that I didn't have my purse on me.

"How can you forget your purse... yeah right, unbelievable!"

At this point, I had to just bite my tongue and stare into space otherwise I probably would have been sporting an orange jumpsuit behind bars now for GBH.

I must also add that a very kind lady offered to pay for my fare and told me to inform the driver that it IS possible to forget your purse at home as us females are prone to a bit of handbag swapping. God bless that woman, whoever she was.

I then realised I was supposed to stay on for THREE stops but of course I couldn't piss off this driver any further so I had to get off early. FUCK. Was definitely late at this point.

As I got off, I said nothing and went about my bizznizz. The driver shouted sarcastically "THANK YOU VERY MUCH", to which he got AIR. What the hell am I thanking you for, old timer? For trying to mug me off in front of everyone on the bus because, heaven forbid, I forgot my purse at home in a rush while trying to get ready for work at 6 o'clock in the fucking MORNING?!!

Yeah here's a thank you for you buddy - *flips middle finger*

If he really disagreed with keeping me on the bus, he should have stuck to his guns like the other tosser and told me to get off! No point in letting me on and then bitching for the rest of the journey, prick!

Hopefully they both crashed at the next stops.

RANT DONE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MUHFUCKAZ

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It's been a minute since I last blogged, sheeet... and it's been a minute since I last got some stuff off my chest so now I'm back! Can't believe how much I slipped with this blogging bizznizz, I'm such a wastegash.

Anyhoo, happy new year to whoever bothers to read this! Hope you had a fantaaaastic start to 2011, my NYE wasn't too bad you know, better than expected even! Ended up rolling to somewhere local and (sorta) cheap. The way they dropped this banger at midnight:



GOOD WEED, WHITE WINE
UH, I COME ALIVE IN THE NIGHT TIME
OKAAAAY AWAY WE GO
ONLY THING WE HAVE ON IS THE RADIOOOOO, OHH

Blap blap blap, the DJ knew what time it was!

Oh speaking of Rihanna, that moron ex-boyfriend of hers, Chris Brown, has been running his mouth on Twitter, hurling homophobic insults at Raz-B (B2K dude who says he got sexually abused). Apparently, this was the result of Raz-B commenting on Brown's previous 'domestic disturbance' with Rihanna.

It went a little something like this:

Raz-B: "... how can niggas like [Eric Benet] and [Chris Brown] disrespect women as intelligent as Halle Berry, Rihanna".

Chris Brown: "Nigga you want attention! Grow up Nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy".

... I really don't know how this little TWERP has fans any more, he's lucky to still have a career after it almost got flushed down the shitter when he beat the crap out of the Princess of Pop, now he wants to start publicly calling people batty boys on Twitter. Learn your lesson 'Breezy' and shut the hell up already!!! How bloody stupid can you get, do you wanna make money or not?!! Jeez, what a god damn moron.

Well that was my first rant of 2011, yaaay! More to come real soon.

Peace homies

This is the end...

:'(

WTF happened?

They went from this:



To this fucking MUSH:



What NONSENSE! This is the UK number one you know! Jesus Christ.

Fuck off Roll Deep, just fuck off! Bunch of mugs...

Put on some weight you dumb bitch!

WTF is this shit?

Aren't white jeans meant to make you look bigger? They're friggin' hanging off those toothpick legs.

And look at that bent over bony-ass wrist! Eurgh, it's putting me off me Sunday brekkie.

‘I am 100 per cent fit and healthy and I am the right weight for my type of body – if I’m honest I’m not a particular healthy eater, my big weakness is potatoes’, she told OK! magazine.

Shutup, shutup, SHUTUP! Stop lying and go get some help! We don't wanna hear about your weakness for potatoes or that old chestnut 'I've just got a fast metabolism'. You're ILL bitch, sort yourself out ASAP and stop promoting anorexia to your fans.

Come here rude boy boy can you get it up?

Wow I haven't blogged anything in MONTHS... I feel so ashamed, 'llow me though. This annoying thing called 'work' takes up all my time nowadays and leaves me constantly feeling knackered and stressed out my tits. Ohhhh how I miss being a student bum! *sniff sniff*

Anyways, I just randomly felt obliged to post Rihanna's new video... I guess because it looks sick... and well, it's stuck in my head right now.

Come here rude boy boy can you get it up?
Come here rude boy boy is you big enough?

Enjoy

Scorcher - Dark Knight

Badman!



Video and track overly hard. Scorcher is doing it right now!

*screams and faints like a school girl* MY GOODNESS!!!

Happy Scottish people day!

Ohhhh just look at that... almost brings a tear to me eye! *sniff sniff*

It's St. Andrew's Day today! Brap brap brap, gunshot gunshots

Big up all my Scots out there! It's tatties and mince tonight for tea, hehe!!!

Here's a legendary clip of my darg Ronnie Browne singing Flower Of Scotland at Hampden...



C'MON!!!

The whorebag has left the jungle

After being nominated for the SEVENTH time to tackle another excruciating bushtucker trial, Katie Price has had enough and consequently quit 'I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!'.

I think that means she's not getting her £350,000 fee... HAHA shame.

To this day, I STLL don't get why people have time for this deluded, self-obsessed, shameless whorebag. I don't get why I should respect her for selling every single aspect of her undignified life story to the media and more importantly using her poor kids in an attempt to carry on hogging the limelight.

She blatantly thought she was gonna go back in and win this year. All this 'closure' bollocks... I didn't fall for it. I swear, she just can't help herself!

And c'mon now, they all know what they're signing up for when they agree to take part. She knows that the majority of the public can't stand the sight of her, therefore it kinda goes without saying she would be the victim of being repeatedly nominated to do the bushtucker trials. What a moron.

She tried to play the public and they played her right back.

Bye bitch!

WTF@ Rihanna's headpiece

What the hell has she done to her hair?!!

All balding and shit... I got one word for this:

SLIPPIN!

Beyonce ft. Lady Gaga - Video Phone

Rahtid!

Gwaaaarn ladies, do your stuff! I love these two bitches.

So long ya jakey bastard!

Guys, a miracle has happened!

FINALLY, 'Uncle' George Burley is no longer the Scotland manager after the SFA gave him the boot earlier today.

Dunno what the hell took them so long, the guy's time in charge was an absolute JOKE and travesty.

How could we just win 3 games out of 14 when he was about? THREE GAMES OUT OF FOURTEEN Y'NA! That's actually disgraceful. I know we're not the best team in the world but come off it!!! We don't have time to be slippin' like that, we really don't.

And the way we plummeted from 14th in the Fifa rankings to 46th, that's when you know its time to throw in the towel. I can't believe he did that to us, what a DICK!

Yeah see ya later you old jakey cunt! Thanks for nothing innit!

Cha.

Boiled eggs + Ritz crackers = packed lunch from heaven?

Oi you lot, get a load of this right.

So I decided to grab myself a good ol' Happy Meal from McDonalds the other day when I was on my break from work. I found myself somewhere to sit and got on the blower to my mate to fill her in on the latest goss. Then I saw some freaky looking gypo family of three eating at the table next to me but I carried on munching obliviously and gasbagging to my friend.

But you know when you clock something from the corner of your eye? In this case, a mysterious plastic bag was the attraction, which appeared to posses some form of a packed lunch the family had brought along to the 'restaurant'. Straight away I thought rah, that's a bit much innit! You're not exactly gonna break the bank having your lunch in McDonalds now, are ya? Is there really a need to bring extra food along?

Well clearly if you're a dirty gypo, there is.

So I scanned the contents of their table to see if they'd actually bought ANYTHING from McDonalds. That's when I noticed a couple of strawberry sundaes. OK, fair do's, fair do's. But wait.... hold on... what's that I see emerging from the plastic bag repeatedly?

Eh?

Boiled... eggs?

BOILED FUCKING EGGS?!!

No way. No fucking way man! WHO DOES THAT? Who brings a scatty plastic bag full of BOILED EGGS to McDonalds? Jesus Chris Almighty! And I swear one of the eggs looked BLACK inside. *covers mouth to prevent sick coming out*

Oh AND and the shells were still intact on all of 'em! They were actually peeling off the shells at the table! Straight RAGGO!

You should have seen the way they were murking them eggs boi. Like it was the first time they'd eaten in their lives!

Guess what they had as their side dish?

Ritz crackers!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ritz bloody crackers... jheeez! What a packed lunch! And yes, I did witness the mum dip one of them into the SUNDAES and put it in the kid's mouth.

WTF! Allow it!!!

Happy birthday to me

So I'm 22 today.

LAME.

Who wants to be 22? Turning 21 was so much cooler. Nobody cares when you're 22.

What do I have to look forward to now? Responsibilities? Work? Bills? Debt? Settling down? Marriage? KIDS?!

Ah hell no. That's some scary ass shit. Why can't I just stay 21 forever?!! I mean, I don't even look my age! I look like a fucking 12 year old still.

Having said that, I'll have you know, I'm actually a victim of premature ageing - I HAVE GREY HAIRS. Yes, HAIRS people, not just one strand, there's a few of them fuckers hanging around on my head piece. Not cool man.

You don't believe me? Here, have a butchers at these bad boys:

Never dyed my hair in my life and yet they started propping up this time last year. I'm gonna be grey by the time I'm 25!!! It's the McBarbie genetics mate.

Well at least I don't have to work today. HI5!

I'm gonna go check my Facebook now to see if there's any more 'Happy Birthday' comments on my page to make me feel bare popular.

PEACE!

Sharon Osbourne's a bitch

You see, usually I think ol' Shazza's quite hilarious, but that was just deep.

Wonder what YOU'D look like now without all that plastic surgery Shaz? I suppose we'll never know!

I think God hit Su-Bo with the same ugly stick that Kelly and Jack got wacked about with!

OOOOOH OOOOOH McBarbs you're dread man, you're dread! Are you gonna take that Shaz, are you gonna take that?! Lata, lata, laaaaaaataaaaaaaaaa!!!

How to 'perform' like sodding Danyl and get a standing ovation off Cowell

Teefed this from a Digital Spy member:

Step 1: Start off quietly, mumble, pronounce the words like you're deaf, foreign and have speech impediment and sing the odd note in tune. Actual melody optional.

Step 2: As soon as the chorus kicks in... your time to shine, baby! Let the generic choir/backing track/35 piece orchestra handle the actual tune and screech 'soulfully' over the top. Wave your hands around and bend over a lot so it's a 'performance'. Pull freaky faces like you're possessed. You'll need a lot of dry ice for this bit.

Step 3: Do a 'trick' where you throw the microphone into your other hand.

Step 4: As the song draws to a close or your voice starts to crack from too much random shouting, hold a 'big note'. For as long as possible. Doesn't matter if it sounds good, people will be impressed as long as you hold it. Pull a face like you're (simultaneously) horrifically constipated and acting out the money shot in a gay porn movie.

Step 5: Smile smugly as Simon leaps to his feet and reels off his list of cliches. If the other judges criticise you, look like someone's just shoved a cactus up your arse and pout furiously.


HAHAHAHAHA!

Eastenders = WORST TELEVISION PROGRAMME IN HISTORY

OK I'm still in shock and I'm feeling physically sick, but let me try and get this straight.

We, the British public, are meant to believe that this charming, innocent young laddie

had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with and produced a wee bairn with THIS


.....................................

'ave a fucking word will ya?!!

Shame on whatever NUMPTY is responsible for this SHAMBOLIC, unfathomable and vomit-inducing so-called storyline!

You read it here first: Eastenders is officially THE worst television programme in history.

Seriously, Eastenders is overly wack and yet I still feel compelled to watch it... why???

I'm off to lie down. I need more time to digest the sheer horror that I've just witnessed...

Dick Griffin

Say no more.

Wake up wake up wake up...

Its October 1st people!



What you know about this tune???

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet...

FUCK ALL WASPS

Seriously, what is the PURPOSE of these hideous things? Can someone please answer that question for me because I just can't get my head around why they exist???

All they do is fucking attack and harm innocent people who are just trying to go about their way! They are nothing more than a bloody burden to society.

No word of a lie, for the past few months I swear I've woken up EVERY GOD DAMN DAY to the sound of WASTED WASP buzzing around the inside of my window.

WHY? WHY ME???

My window is covered in that spray shit that is meant to kill the bastards. And that stuff STINKS, I'm fed up of smelling it in my room. I even sprayed all the ivy just beneath the window in the hope that another cunting wasp would die before it even thought about returning to bother me.

WRONG!

The other week, I was feeling all sad and shit that another summer had come to an end. Now I can't wait for the winter season because these noisy, nasty motherfuckers need to all fuck off and DIE!

You're all going straight to hell!!!

Our Cheryl's first single

...

I'm feeling it!

Gwarn Cheryl, do your stuff.

Why

Why can't I have this face:

And this body:

WHY I ASK???

LIFE IS CRUEL!!!

Get ta know

I

Will

Be

There!

Bea Hamill = the spawn of Satan

Look at her!!!

Just look at those eyes! She's POSSESSED!

You know, in the 10 long years of Big Brother, we've had some serious, downright bastards in there. The type of 'people' (and I use that term with extreme hesitance) that provoke laughter from you because if you don't laugh at them, you will feel the strongest urge to jump up off of your sofa, fly kick your television set onto the floor and proceed to stomp all over it in sheer rage because their appalling, disgusting and un-human-like behaviour infuriates you that much!

We've had Makosi... we've had Charley... we've had Dennis... we've had Alexandra... we've had Kenneth...

And they all left us thinking that surely, just SURELY, a higher level of evil could not exist in this world.

And then along came Bea. The spawn of Satan himself! The psychologists are going to have a fucking field day when that bitch comes out.

Now there is deluded and then there is deluded beyond belief. Bea is deluded beyond belief.

Notice how almost all of the venomous insults she throws at her fellow housemates are actually a reflection of her own fucked-up character. But little does she realise! Because Bea has never said a bad word about anyone! Bea hasn't done anything wrong! Bea's quite a nice person you know!

Lemme get this straight. Bea threatens to steal a can of cider from Halfwit's draw - out of spite, might I add - and Marcus (Halfwit's FRIEND) responds by telling her that wouldn't be a wise move and that she is being negative again. Bea then launches into yet another unprovoked venom-fuelled attack on Halfwit's character, unconvincingly threatens to leave the BB house and labels Marcus a bully, all through a big bunch of crocodile tears.

And then says: "If you can't take it don't dish it out!"

AHAHAHAHAHA. She's so funny. Crazy bitch.

I could carry on pointing out and analysing her satanic actions and behaviour but I'd be here all bloody night and I ain't got the time for that. All I'm saying is, Marcus needs to go this week. Not because I actually want him to go: if he stays, he will be the only one able to put Bea in her place. But he needs to go because it will be priceless to see the horrified and hugely-disappointed reaction of that gangly, bruck-toothed, eyes-too-close-together, 40-faced, duplicitous, nasty, manipulative WHORE when Halfwit survives ANOTHER public vote. And then, we would have a Bea vs Halfwit showdown to look forward to next week.

Surely we all wanna see that?!!

The Cut issue 4 - OUT NOW!!!

Yes yes peeps,

Make sure you check out Issue 4 of The Cut aka the Alternative Issue.

Inside we have...

* A guide to all the latest skanks
* A history of subcultures
* Tinchy Stryder - our cover star
* Stephen K Amos on homophobia
* DaVinChe
* Zarif
* New Boys Jerkin'
* Lawrence Watson
* Poppy and The Jezebels

And much, much more!

Pick up your FREE copy all over LDN from Size?, Rough Trade, Stateside, Fopp, The Social, ICA, or anywhere you see a Don't Panic pack (you should spot The Cut by its side).

Alternatively, holla at your girl for a copy!

Peace and love

P.S. This is my 100th post - brap brap!

This dude is SERIOUS

Who knew the 'Migraine Skank' could sound so beautiful???

Go white boy, go white boy, go white boy!

Yeah he's SICK.

HAHAHAHAHAHA SHAME!

Look at this complete NUMPTY:


I think it's safe to say she made a right tit of herself!

(Ahem, I'll get me coat...)

No seriously, c'mon. WHAT IS THAT?!

My goodness she is VILE! EURGH. I don't know who I hate more: her or Kenneth. But she is definitely up there has one of my all-time most hated BB housemates.

Charley just FUCK OFF INTO OBSCURITY ALREADY YOU PATHETIC CRETINOUS COW!!!

Helen & Paul 4eva xxx

Behold, the greatest BB love story of all time:



Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Helen and Paul kept it real you know. They were a GENUINE BB couple, that shit wasn't for the cameras. Fuck Michelle and Stuart, Maxwell and Saskia, Imogen and Sezer, Nikki and Pete, Chanelle and Ziggy, and Dale and Jen! They ain't got NUFFIN on good ol' H&P!

Well Helen and Paul aren't even a couple anymore but THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT OK?! Let's just sit back and remember what they once had together...

...

K I'm done now, it's munching time.

Where have you been all my life Cocoa Butter??!

Seriously, this stuff is the SHIT! The sad thing is, I'm only realising it now - I'm such a loser!

I swear, all these years I've been spending my pennies on these expensive, wasted and odourless moisturisers. I had bare (black) people in my ear telling me I was looking in the wrong direction and needed to sample a little something called 'cocoa butter'. After all, you know what they say: black don't crack. HAHA. But alas, I ignored them and carried on using my Nivea/Simple/Dove formulas.

So the other day when I needed a new supply of body cream, I saw the variations of cocoa butter lotions sitting on the shelves in Boots and I thought fuck it, lemme have a butchers at one of these and see what's really good!

I tell ya, I am not looking back folks. Every time I put it on, I wanna lick it all off again! Ooooohhh it smells so fine! DAYUM!!!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE COCOA BUTTER??!

So I guess the lesson of this little tale is: always listen to black people.

HAHAHA.

Don't fuck about with the best!

Need I say anymore?

Mariah got OWNED!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

It Doesn't Matter!

Who remembers this???



"It doesn't matter if ya just bought a fresh Bentley!"

HAHAHA. The Rock is such a legend. And Wyclef, just for this tune alone.

Peace out for now jabroni's.

Victor from BB5 is such a legend

Right, so everyone who knows me KNOWS how much love I have for Big Brother. Despite the snobbery and the hateration it unfairly attracts, for me it is one of the greatest and most fascinating television productions of all time.

Recently, I stumbled across an interview with my favourite housemate in BB history - Victor 'The Slick Man' Ebuwa. I don't care what anyone says, Victor was the fucking MAN, and he MADE BB5. Impressively, Victor is now making his cake through investment banking and stockbroking. Who saw that coming?! Good on you Vic!

Anyways, here's the interview I'm on about - he is so jokes.

(Taken from Digital Spy)

What are you up to these days, Victor?
"Well when the spotlight all died down and the phone stopped ringing from the agent, I thought, 'What am I going to do now?' As you know, I'm Nigerian, and Nigerians love two things - money and women. You can't have women without money - not good ones anyway - so I decided to get into investment banking and stockbroking. I didn't know anything about it, but that's never stopped me before. I had a couple of interviews and from sheer charisma managed to blag it. I got in the door, but then somehow it ended up in all those London papers. After that, there was a spread in one of the Sunday papers, using my quotes from Big Brother, making me out to be a dodgy stockbroker. Based on that I had to move, but I'm in trading now, and that's what I'm doing now."

You haven't been hurt by the credit crunch then?
"I'm keeping the economy going single handedly. If I wasn't in the city, mate, this country would have gone to the s**ts by now. I'm the last bastion standing between England and financial turmoil - it's all down to me."

Is it tough heading back to the world of work, then?
"You know what, there's so many sob stories out there. So many Sally sobs and Harry hard-lucks. It is quite strange when you leave the show because you can't put it on your CV, as people treat it like a disease. I mentioned it in an interview once and the look that came on his face was unbelievable, he treated me like a nobody. I just gave it to him straight. If you're good at a job, it shouldn't matter. Am I a paedophile? No. Have I killed anybody? No. Simple as that. That's something that I won't let stop me."

It's not something you imagine many contestants think about before going on the show.
"I'm a pretty fearless person, but going back to the working world after being in the public eye is a daunting thing. All the whispers start in the office as soon as you walk in, 'Isn't that the chap from Big Brother? What's he doing here?' I'm quite thick-skinned and I'm able to take the jokes and banter, but I know other housemates who are really struggling. Struggling badly. It's a dire situation, because not everyone has the sheer bloodymind that I do. I have a kid, he needs to eat, and it doesn't matter if I feel a little embarrassed. F**k it, I'm not going to become one of those waster dads."

Did you consider your long-term career before you went on the show?
"I don't normally do things without thinking them through, but I didn't think about Big Brother. In my mind, it was ten weeks' work, £10,000-a-week, I was going to walk it. Based on what I'd seen before, I was going to stroll it. I didn't think about how it would affect me or my family. They give you the 'Talk Of Doom', but Endemol don't give a s**t about you. I understand that, I'm a businessmen. People need to listen to that 'Talk Of Doom' though, because the show really will have an effect on you, your family and your friends. A lot of them guys in there now, they are going to struggle, and I mean struggle. People who go on the show now are putting themselves up for ridicule. Whether you win or lose, you are a BB loser. You're a scumbag and piece of s**t to the press and public. No token counselling from Endemol can help you with that."

What do you remember about the infamous 'Fight Night'?
"I remember everything. I thought I was going to kill someone. I'm being honest here, if there wasn't a camera there would have been a lot of blood shed that night. Now I'm a grown-up and more mature, but back then I was just off the streets and I still had that mentality. That's how I did things growing up. We'd sort things out on the grass outside. Whoever wins is right, whoever loses was wrong. That's the way I was brought up. The only thing that stopped me bludgeoning some of those housemates was the prospect of spending 15 years in Belmarsh prison with someone a bit tasty who wants to make advances with me in the night. Not worth it, just for the chance to punch Marco."

You blew your chances of winning on the wedding task. Do you regret losing your cool?
"Well, that doughnut Shell decided to step in and ruin things. Anyone who knows me understands that I can't stand toffs and Shell was one of those toffs with a sob story. Her dad was a chief executive, but yet she didn't have enough money. She lived on a four acre farm, but she was struggling. Why don't you sell two acres and live on a two-acre farm?! On the day of the wedding task I had a headache and warned everybody that I would be snappy, but they chose not to show that. She was getting on my nerves all day, gossiping to Dan about me. We all had a couple of drinks and then suddenly she just went off on one. She called me a c**t, and the gloves came off. Dan opens his mouth, I'd been dying to give it to him, so I gave it to him as well. I gave it Nadia as well. But right then and there, I knew I was going home. I understood the principles of the show and a major one is, if you're up for eviction - don't have an argument that week. Especially with someone not up for eviction and especially not with a woman. The rest is history."

At one point it looked like you could win the show though.
"As far as I'm aware, I was the only person to ever be favourite to win and get evicted in the same week. I was shocked mate. Call it arrogance or what, but up until this day I'm still amazed. I'm up against Nadia, Jason and Dan and I'm going home! Jesus! I honestly think it must have been rigged."

You were famous for your one-liners. Did you think of them before you went in the house?
"I didn't think of anything before I went in there. Me and my friends all have one-liners. Everyone's a cocky so-so in my social circle. Going on TV, you just carry on being who you are. In the house, I would be sat there with nothing to do eating my shredded wheat and Marco would walk by - things then just popped in my head and made me laugh. I'd chuckle to myself and save it for the diary room later. I saved it because if I said them out loud, I'd have been nominated in week one."

Madonna is GROSS

No, no, no, no, no, no and NO!!!

WHY HAS SHE DONE THIS TO HERSELF?!!

She is blatantly like, anorexic or something. Omg I just tried to look at her arms again and I physically recoiled!

PHYSICALLY.RECOILED!!!

Madonna sort it out luv.

This might actually be my favourite song of the entire year

I know it's been getting air play for a while now but DAYUM, I just cannot stop playing this on my iPod!

What.a.fucking.TUNE.

Know you got a roommate
Call me when there's no one there
Put the key under the mat and you know I'll be over there!

*Screams like a groupie*

YOU THE FUCKING BEST DRAKE!

Party in the city where the heat is on...

... all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn!

Yes yes, I was in Miami for 2 weeks (it was so sick) and I'm back in LDN town bitches. I know y'all missed me.

Here's a lil' tribute to my time in South Beach:

(I went to that diner that they're in at the beginning - go me!)

Anyways, I got some blogs in mind, so I'll be putting some new shit up soon.

Oh yeah, and I officially got a 2:1 - in the words of Lil' Wayne:

MOTHERFUCKER I'M ILL!!!

Fuck knows how I managed it - I think I'm like the worst student in history, haha! Such a slacker... and yet it still paid off in the end! Maybe education really has gone downhill in this country!

Be back later,

PEACE

She's outta ma leeeeeeeeague!

Seriously.

Look at this face:


Now look at this one:


And this one:


Real talk people.

Why the HELL would these butterz fools think they have a chance in hell with a girl like Noirin??? They must realise that they are COMPLETELY out of her league... they must! Why would they even THINK about trying their luck with her? It really does amaze me... there's a lot of deluded men in this world, there really is.

I wish they would take their dirty little paws off her for 5 fucking minutes, and stop asking to see her tits/arse. Pair of friggin' pervs!

Dotstar - Stick Up

Check the new video for Dotstar's Stick Up:

He went hard on this one!

Shout out to Miss Tania Nwachukwu (gold top, silver leggings girl!) - look out for her in the next issue of The Cut! Big movements.

Altogether now people:

'All the girls in the club want to hold me for ransom...'

Saffia V Sophia on BBBM

Bitchiness at it's finest!



You gotta love Big Brother! Classic footage right there... these bitches were really going at it! OK, I know Sophia needs to stop running her mouth for once and grow up a bit, but standard, Saffia is WASTE. Before she even stepped into the house, I didn't like her. Acted like a complete arsehole in her video audition.

I love how she's going on like she deserves to get a fucking medal or something for leaving her "babies" behind to on the show. Like she's some brave woman. Errr I got news for you luv, you ain't brave, you are, however, a fucking moron! I feel sorry for her kids. Imagine your mum duckin' you before you've even had your first steps to go on BB and argue with a bunch of strangers and then walk out after a week. She couldn't even wait until Sophia got evicted! And now she has to spend even more time with her on BBBM and BBLB. What a waste! I do rate her a little bit though for putting up with all those peeps cussing her and making her look stupid on BBBM though, HAHA. She got it baaaad.

But yeah, this is good shit! Big Brother is getting real juicy now, arguments galore!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

YOYO's? Oh you mean YOYO???

YOYO'S

What is YOYO'S?

I've never heard of YOYO'S before, but I've heard of a NIGHT called YOYO at the Notting Hill Arts CLUB.

Why do so many people call it fucking YOYOS? WHERE IS THE EXTRA 'S' COMING FROM???

The club is not called YOYOS. YOYO is the name of the night, Notting Hill Arts Club is the name of the club.

Is it that hard for people to understand?

And even worse - we've got people going on about visiting WESTFIELDS now.

WESTFIELDS? What is WESTFIELDS? I'm not familiar with it, but I know about WESTFIELD though!

Again, WHAT IS WITH THE EXTRA 'S'? Is there any need for it?

I might actually end someone's life if this continues.

Fucking retards.

Rant over!!!

Halle Berry kisses Jamie Foxx - WTF?!!

Look!!!

WTF?!!

She was collecting some award for being buff apparantly and then decided to plant her lips on Mr Foxx's.

They are both attached! Look at where his hand is! Look at where her hand is!

If my man kissed Halle Berry LIKE THAT, publicity stunt or no publicity stunt - or whatever the fuck it meant - I would be P.I.S.S.E.D!!!

Tetris is 25 years old today

The classic puzzle video game.

Every now and again, I'll discover it once more and get addicted for a few good weeks or so. Shit never gets old!

Play a game (or 20) for free at this page: http://www.freetetris.org/welcome.html

Here's to Tetris!

Danny Dyer's a G

Danny Dyer has branded Britain's Got Talent judge Amanda Holden as the "one of the least talented people in the UK".

Writing in his Zoo column, the Doghouse star said that it was laughable that Holden had been employed to judge other people on their talent.

"[She] really f***s me off. I know she is an actress but I'd say she's one of the least talented people in the UK, so how she can sit there and say who's got talent is beyond me," he said.

"The only reason that bird first became famous was by having a roll-about with Les Dennis. Now it's sitting there, clapping its hands and giving advice. It makes me feel f*****g sick."

The 31-year-old went on to say that he was not a fan of fellow judge Piers Morgan either, describing him as a "snake".

"I don’t know why [Simon Cowell] rolled in someone like Morgan, a tosser who just loves being famous. Now Morgan’s swanning around acting like he’s the bollocks."

[Article taken from Digital Spy]

HAHAHA!

Tell 'em Danny!

Vitamin Water is like the worst drink EVER

Yeah I'm talking about that piece of shit drink that Coca Cola made. Like WTF. It is so SHIT!

And it costs a fucking small fortune. I want to know why!

Because not only does it taste like PISH, I just found out from someone who was drinking it yesterday that theres bare sugar in it.

So not only does it taste awful, it's not even healthy! And I swear that's the point of the drink? A HEALTHY alternative?

What a load of bloody nonsense. Seriously, it has got to be the lamest, most pathetic excuse for a drink in the whole wide world. I'd rather drink my own piss to honest!

Oh and get this: my mate just informed everyone on her Facebook that she just paid 65p for a Mini Milk!

65p you know!

The bloody cheek of it! That shit used to be 20p!

I really am worried about what the world is turning into these days, I tell you...

Yaaaay Kate's in the final!

So as I predicted, Kate Walsh made The Apprentice 2009 final, alongside Yasmina.

Good decision made by Sir Alan I think, but for some reason I really felt that Debra was going to get picked alongside Kate. I thought he was going to take a risk with her. Also, I found out the night before that she's a Scot, so I guess I was kinda rooting for her as well at the last minute, haha. Can't believe she is only 23...

Anyways, poor James. He looked defeated long before Sir Alan told him the bad news, bless 'im. He was more emotional than all of the girls put together! I knew he'd be first out, followed by Lorraine.

Speaking of Lorraine: what was with the dodgy Irish accent change during her interviews? That was jokes man, what the hell?!

That Claude guy that was interviewing them is a wanker, but he was right when he said that Kate was 'faultless'. So yeah, I really want her to win, I think she's got it all, but if Yasmina wins I'll be happy as well.

Can't believe I never used to watch this show! What was I on?

Anyhoo, that's it for now. Big Brother starts later, so my life is officially over for the next few months, haha.

This is jokes

http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html

"David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets."

HAHAHA!

Jodie Marsh is now a bodybuilder

Erm... K?

Apart from those DISGUSTING breasticles of hers and the butterz man tattoos, she actually looks quite good.

According to the Daily Mail, she's "dropped three dress sizes from a size 12 to a 6/8."

... FUCK OFF! She was a size 12 before? What fucking bullshit! Why do always exaggerate the dress size statistics? It's so stupid!

Oh and she's now back to being straight - her lesbian ex-chick has gone back to Australia, and her new bloke is a builder from Brentwood.

Haha.

Anyways, she's still a dick.

The LAMEST adverts on TV right now

The people responsible for the making of the following TV adverts need to DIE:






DIE!!!

I heart cereal

I just clocked I haven't blogged anything for nearly a week - not cool. I'm running low on ideas right now, but I might as well talk about my determination to lose weight before I hit South Beach on the 21st June.

Time is ticking, and even though I've been regularly exercising - by that I mean 3-4 times a week - I've always slipped up on the ol' grub, which basically resulted in me not gaining any weight but not losing a whole lot either.

So for the next two weeks, it's all about cereal baby. I ain't touching that Special K crap because it tastes like utter SHITE - 'llow it. But basically, I'ma be munching on cereal for my breakfast and lunch, along with some fruit, low fat yoghurts and my trusted Snack-a-Jacks. Dinner will be 'normal', and I'll be drinking either water or squash with like, 5 calories per serving. Haha. Oh and green tea, can't forget my mate green tea!

No 'shit' can be consumed over the next fortnight. I'm talking to all of you fizzy drinks, bags of crisps, cakes and pastries and calorific chocolate bars. Just fuck off and leave me alone for a while, OK?! It ain't much to ask! Nobody likes a whale on South Beach, ya hear me? I can't afford to fuck up anymore!!!

Everyone please pray for me during this difficult and testing time!

I'm out.

This week's Holy Moly Duty Log Mental

A woman emailed to complain about about Coronation Street.

Observe:

"Gail called Eddy an orang-utan, I consider this to be worse than calling a black person a chimp."

"I would like to complain over the use of the word 'orrangutang' by Gail earlier in the week. Would this have been acceptable if it were aimed at Craig Charles?"

"Ken Barlow has at least 5 Lyle and Scott jumpers I have been saving to buy my son one of these jumpers for a few months, but ken has quite a few and they retail around £70 -£90 each. How can ken afford these?"

"Kens new girlfriend on the narrow boat says she is going to spend time at various places including the Norfolk Broads I do wish writers and researchers would do their homework properly There is no navigable waterway link between the canal system and the Broads, except via the sea which would ?no be viable in a narrow boat."

...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Check Ken though, with the Lyle & Scott jumpers. Gwaaaaarn Kenny!

Lost Season 5 finale trailer

Looky looky!



WTF IS GONNA HAPPEN?!!

It's gonna be amazing...

Nick Cannon is officially INSANE

Yes, that's right - Nick Cannon has literally lost the plot! You have GOT to read every single last word of what can only really be described as a rambling, bizarre, racist, completely illogical and INSANE yet HILARIOUS blog post courtesy of the man in question! The blog is a response to a leaked Eminem single 'Bagpipes From Baghdad', in which Em takes the opportunity to diss Cannon's wife Mariah Carey and calls her a 'whore'.

I'm gonna highlight the best bits in bold - observe people:

Well, well, well. Fresh off the plane with my wife from our second honeymoon on the beautiful secluded islands of the Maldives and what do I find in my email box? A mediocre (at best) Eminem record that sounds like it was written in 2001. At first I thought it was old material that had been dug up from when dude “fantasized” about having a pretend fling with Mariah. I was thinking to myself, “Hey that was before me so it is really none of my business, so I’m going to give him a pass.”

So as I continued to semi enjoy Marshall’s rhyme scheme and flow, I mean let’s be honest dude used to be incredible. He was a witty lyrist with dope delivery and timing. Some even say, one of the best to ever do it. I had nothing but respect for this dude. But all of a sudden I hear my name in the verse! My first reaction was like, “This is his new shit??? Wow, that’s too bad…” Then I felt sorry for him because he must really be stuck in the past. Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn’t let him get to second base from 8 years ago! He even describes his desperate lameness in this bad excuse for storytelling track. That’s some real middle school shit right there! (What type of grown ass man lies about getting with a chick) Only Slim Lamey! LOL! (Wow Nick, you've got jokes still!)

So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek” (WTF, Christ like?!)

But then the dude on the other shoulder said, “ What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!” (OK, did he just compare himself to Manny Pacquiao?! HAHAHA)

Then, without listening to either one of the voices on my shoulders, I analyzed the situation from a logical perspective. Am I going to battle Eminem and try to out rap him? No, that would be stupid. The dude is nice on the mic. Even though nowadays he lacks substance, rapping about when he used to be hot. Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime.

Then I asked myself should I go find this Bitch and just whoop his little ass? But that might have just been the Creatine and protein shakes talking! LOL. Even though most people don’t know that I’m nice in the ring and have been training in boxing and Martial Arts for years that would just be childish and silly of me to bully this dude (looooooooooool OK Nick!). He clearly has been picked on all his life and I would hate to add to his deep-rooted pain. As we all know he has had a hard life and has major insecurity issues and is very confused and unhappy with himself. So a guy like that doesn’t really need another ass whoopin, he needs a hug. We should really pray for his troubled heart.

So just when the good guy in me is about to emerge and shine through, something hits me… Something bigger than rap beefs, something bigger than jealousy infused insults, something bigger than lackluster attention seeking punchlines, something bigger than artistic expression. I realized, that this so-called man has just disrespected and slanderized one of the world’s most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color, Mariah Carey! (WHOA WHOA WHOA, hold on a second... since when was Mariah Carey black?!! LMAO)

Some people may not realize or tend to forget that my wife is a Black woman (Huh? Maybe because she ISN'T?!!). And she has had enough difficulty in her life dealing with racial and ethnicity issues. Believe it or not, Mariah is the same racial mixture as our beloved president Barack Obama. [Black Father + White Mother= BLACK] (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA this guy's equations are too much! Black + White = BLACK, does it???)

Maybe I’m going too far (no no, keep going please!), but I thought we got passed the days where white men could spew vulgar obscenities at our beautiful queens and get away with it. What’s next? Are we going to let this trash say something horrible about our lovely first lady, Mrs. Michelle Obama? (LOL what does Michelle Obama have to do with anything?!!) Or would Marshall have talked sideways out of his neck like this about Oprah Winfrey? This act of racist bigotry cannot go unnoticed ('act of racist bigotry' you know! LOL what is this guy on?!). Calling my wife a “cunt” and a “whore” is way worse than anything Don Imus could have ever said (Ohhhhh he called her a cunt and a whore? I thought he was being racist though?) So trust, repercussions will be served. Anybody got Al Sharpton’s number?! LOL

Let’s not forget about Eminem’s amateur mixtape rants of calling African Americans Nigger and how he hates “Black Bitches”. How did we let him get away with that in the first place?! (If that bothered him so much in the first place, why didn't he pipe up and say something back then???) He is a natural born racist in disguise. Someone tell this coward that he finally barked up the wrong tree. For his entire career he strategically only tried to beef with people he could bully. I mean, what real man picks fights with women? Real MC’s battle other real MC’s. Ask Nas, ask Jay Z, you didn’t see them starting beefs with women! That is truly some punk shit!

So I’m putting this out there now. Marshall Mathers, you need to holler at me on some grown man shit. Man to man, let’s meet up and deal with this like adults. This is my invitation to you, whenever and wherever you like sir. So when you come out of your introverted hiding place and ask your bodyguards if you can go out and play by yourself, I’m here Pimp!

Your blatant disrespect not just to Black women but ALL women in general must stop. You are a despicable excuse for a man. I can’t even see how you can call yourself a father! Imagine if someone said half the stuff you say about women to your daughter, Hayley. (And I’m pretty sure they will because you got it coming Marshall.) That’s how Karma works.

You sold your little records and made a little bit of change but now you are stepping in the wrong territory. You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake (raped and pillaged??? But I thought Em "used to be incredible"???). Don’t you know that the black woman is the foundation and the strongest force in our culture? Take notes homey, Elvis would have never disrespected Aretha Franklin or Diana Ross. You were supposed to just do your little song and dance, make your little racist money and call it a day. But no, you had to dishonor the black man’s most precious counterpart.

I’m taking full action on you Eminem. I don’t know why no one has stood up to your bitch ass yet. But I guess it’s going to take a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon (yep, sounds about right!) to set you straight. And trust, I am going to be relentless. Even though I got a lot of other obligations and occupations, you are my new full time job “homey”! (Wow, dude's got time!) As a matter of fact I think you going to bring my wack rhymes out of retirement! That’s right haters; you can thank Eminem because I’m going to start rapping again! LOL Just for him! (That's his prepared excuse for when Eminem destroys him) And don’t forget about the jokes! We coming at you hard body!! Non-stop on your Manic-depressive-Insecure-Maclovin-Nazi- Liza Minelli haircut havin-lookin ass!! [Pause] That’s what I do all day Bitch! (Errr, can someone can translate that bit please?)

So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!! (...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

[Source: Thisis50.com]

OK, let's get one thing straight: if Eminem publicly calls Mariah Carey a 'cunt' and a 'whore', then by all means, Nick should have something to say about that. He's gonna be furious, understandably, and if he didn't retaliate, then we'd all think he was a shook one. So fair enough, he chose to come back at Mr Mathers. But WTF has skin colour got to do with ANYTHING? Why did he have to pull out the race card??? Since when did calling someone a 'cunt' or a 'whore' equate to racism? The guy's actually lost the plot! He's only exposed HIMSELF as a racist instead, the dumb schmuck!

"I mean let’s be honest dude used to be incredible. He was a witty lyrist with dope delivery and timing. Some even say, one of the best to ever do it. I had nothing but respect for this dude."

And then:

"You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake."

Loooooool I don't get it. He had nothing but respect for Eminem, yet he supposedly 'raped' rap music like 'a Caucasian con man'??? Make up your mind Nicholas!!!

And since when was Mariah Carey a 'BLACK' woman? LMAO oh my goodness! The way this dude tried to flip it, oh my... you've gotta love how the Obama's and Oprah Winfrey got a mention in the same post! Classic stuff...

I seriously cannot WAIT to hear Em's response to this!

Oh no she didn't...

Lily Allen held no punches in a stinging attack on celebrity footballers and WAGS in a French football magazine.

The Coles and Beckhams bore the brunt of the assault by the straight-talking singer, who let rip in an interview with SoFoot.

Describing what she thought of Cheryl Cole she said: "She represents everything I hate - she is stupid, superficial, as ugly outside as inside."

Cheryl's husband Ashley didn't escape the rant either: "He is the worst, he disgusts me".

Lily, whose album It's Not Me It's You is in the top ten, then launched into David and Victoria, saying: "The Beckhams are sickening... everyone knows she is a monster."

And in case readers were still unsure of what she thinks of footballers' wives and girlfriends, she said: "I would rather shoot myself between the eyes than be a WAG."


I hope this is a case of her words being lost in translation...

How you gonna call Cheryl Cole UGLY? HAHAHA

The jealously is a looooooooooooooot, Lily. You've pretty much just described yourself there love. Let's be real now, you're the butterz one, not our Cheryl, don't ever get it twisted!

And not like I'm Victoria Beckham's biggest fan or anything, but to label her a monster? Lol that's a bit much!

She's spot on about Ashley Coleslaw - everyone knows he's a cunt - and yeah, I'd probably wanna shoot myself in the eyes too rather than be a WAG.

But lay off Cheryl, Lily. It's getting a bit boring now, and you're not gonna get anywhere with those hypocritical comments. It's not her fault she's good looking! Cheryl could have any man in the world, and the best you're doing right now is your Dad's friends. So allow yourself and STFU.

To conclude this post, let's do a quick compare and contrast shall we?


Exhibit A - Lily Allen:



Exhibit B: Cheryl Cole



SAY NO MORE!!!