Now you're known as the girl from The Apprentice who got her kit off for Zoo

*Slow claps*

Well done Joanna Riley, well done for using a serious, business opportunity like The Apprentice to strip to your underwear for a tacky lads mag. You must be so proud.

According to the article in which I discovered this disappointing and distasteful downfall, Miss Riley had this to say:

"It’s been a totally new experience for me. I’ve never done anything like this, but it’s been fun.

I just wanted to bring the fun side of me out because in The Apprentice, I was very professional and business-like.

I wanted to prove you can still be sexy in business as well and hopefully I’ve done that. This is just showing a prettier side of me. I’m really pleased with the shoot."

Yeah well you can throw all that professional and business-like demeanour out of the window now luv because no one is gonna take you seriously again after posing for friggin' ZOO magazine. What the hell were you thinking woman? Somehow I don't think this is quite what Lord Sugar meant when he advised you to go back to your cleaning business and concentrate on developing the company.

She also insists she's been offered countless job opportunities and doesn't stop picking up the phone.

SO WHY NOT TAKE UP ONE OF THOSE OPPORTUNITIES INSTEAD OF STRIPPING TO YOUR BRA AND PANTIES IN A NATIONAL MAGAZINE SO SOME PATHETIC GIMP CAN HAVE A CHEAP WANK OVER YOU?!!

Argh, my brain hurts. Why do 'smart' women do this to themselves? The female gender struggle to gain respect in business as it is, and this idiot has only encouraged that.

She didn't want to be known as 'Joanna the cleaner'. Now she's known as 'Joanna from The Apprentice who got her kit off for a lads mag'.

Congratulations you complete moron!

All London bus drivers must BURN IN HELL

Peeps, it's time for the inevitable today - a big fat, potty-mouthed rant.

Have you ever wondered why London bus drivers have such STANK attitude all the time? I dunno what their problem is, all they gotta do is sit behind some protective plastic shit and drive a fucking bus. They don't really have to talk to anyone or worry about customer service - the last time I heard a London bus driver say hello or smile was 19 diggity 2.

So what's the fuss? Why the need to be so rude and unaccommodating to innocent passengers? Why air the sorry fuckers out who almost kill themselves running for the bus they are so desperate to catch?

I'm sick of these grumpy, unsympathetic bastards. They get away with murder!

Today, I had to leave work early to make a doctor's appointment, which had been booked last minute and was an appointment I NEEDED to go to as I was in a fair bit of pain at the time. As I went to top up my oyster card to board the next departing tube, I realised I'd fucked up big time - I'd left my purse at home.

I left my god damn purse at HOME. And I had 30 friggin' measly PENCE to show for it!

I really thought I was done for. I needed to get the tube AND a bus in order to make my appointment on time. Desperation sunk in and I knew I'd have to blag it, just this once.

So I approached the stern looking chappy at the station and explained my dire situation and asked kindly if he would let me proceed with my journey without paying just this once. Miraculously, the chappy wasn't so stern after all, and let me through without ease. Result!

I had no problems getting off the tube as nobody was there (what's new) to question me - hehe, suckers.

Next mission - blag the bus ride.

So the first bus arrived. I tried the ol' "let me tap my oyster on the reader and do that jaw dropping thingy when I realise there's not enough money on there". The driver quickly informed me of my problem, to which I politely asked him if it was OK to let me on for just two stops in order to get to emergency appointment on time.

"NO."

"Errr... I'm sorry?"

"NO. YOU CANNOT STAY ON BUS."

"Erm it's only two stops Mr Bus Driver, can't you make an exception just this once? I don't have any money on me and it's an emergency."

"NO. THERE IS BANK THERE AND SHOP THERE, YOU CAN TOP UP."

"... OK but I don't have ANY money whatsoever, can't you help me?"

"NO."
..................... what a fucking NUMPTY!!! I wanted to punch his face in so bad, but I knew my time was up. "Thanks for nothing" was the last thing I said to him.

OK OK, next bus is coming. Surely somethings gotta give!

This time, I tried to the honest approach. Honesty is always the best policy, right?

WRONG.

*Steps onto bus* "Excuse me Mr Bus Driver, I don't have enough money on my oyster card but I really need to get to an appointment urgently, is it OK to stay on for just two stops?"

"WHAT? NO."

"... But I don't have any money right now to top up, please can you just let me stay for two stops?!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO MONEY? WHO LEAVES THEIR HOUSE WITHOUT MONEY?"

"Erm, it was an accident, I didn't mean to."

*Driver remains stony faced and shakes his head*

"OK, STAY THERE!"

"Thank you." (as if I'm gonna go upstairs and get comfortable, WTF?!)

The moaning driver then proceeded to talk to himself, stating his disbelief that I didn't have my purse on me.

"How can you forget your purse... yeah right, unbelievable!"

At this point, I had to just bite my tongue and stare into space otherwise I probably would have been sporting an orange jumpsuit behind bars now for GBH.

I must also add that a very kind lady offered to pay for my fare and told me to inform the driver that it IS possible to forget your purse at home as us females are prone to a bit of handbag swapping. God bless that woman, whoever she was.

I then realised I was supposed to stay on for THREE stops but of course I couldn't piss off this driver any further so I had to get off early. FUCK. Was definitely late at this point.

As I got off, I said nothing and went about my bizznizz. The driver shouted sarcastically "THANK YOU VERY MUCH", to which he got AIR. What the hell am I thanking you for, old timer? For trying to mug me off in front of everyone on the bus because, heaven forbid, I forgot my purse at home in a rush while trying to get ready for work at 6 o'clock in the fucking MORNING?!!

Yeah here's a thank you for you buddy - *flips middle finger*

If he really disagreed with keeping me on the bus, he should have stuck to his guns like the other tosser and told me to get off! No point in letting me on and then bitching for the rest of the journey, prick!

Hopefully they both crashed at the next stops.

RANT DONE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MUHFUCKAZ

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It's been a minute since I last blogged, sheeet... and it's been a minute since I last got some stuff off my chest so now I'm back! Can't believe how much I slipped with this blogging bizznizz, I'm such a wastegash.

Anyhoo, happy new year to whoever bothers to read this! Hope you had a fantaaaastic start to 2011, my NYE wasn't too bad you know, better than expected even! Ended up rolling to somewhere local and (sorta) cheap. The way they dropped this banger at midnight:



GOOD WEED, WHITE WINE
UH, I COME ALIVE IN THE NIGHT TIME
OKAAAAY AWAY WE GO
ONLY THING WE HAVE ON IS THE RADIOOOOO, OHH

Blap blap blap, the DJ knew what time it was!

Oh speaking of Rihanna, that moron ex-boyfriend of hers, Chris Brown, has been running his mouth on Twitter, hurling homophobic insults at Raz-B (B2K dude who says he got sexually abused). Apparently, this was the result of Raz-B commenting on Brown's previous 'domestic disturbance' with Rihanna.

It went a little something like this:

Raz-B: "... how can niggas like [Eric Benet] and [Chris Brown] disrespect women as intelligent as Halle Berry, Rihanna".

Chris Brown: "Nigga you want attention! Grow up Nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy".

... I really don't know how this little TWERP has fans any more, he's lucky to still have a career after it almost got flushed down the shitter when he beat the crap out of the Princess of Pop, now he wants to start publicly calling people batty boys on Twitter. Learn your lesson 'Breezy' and shut the hell up already!!! How bloody stupid can you get, do you wanna make money or not?!! Jeez, what a god damn moron.

Well that was my first rant of 2011, yaaay! More to come real soon.

Peace homies