Now you're known as the girl from The Apprentice who got her kit off for Zoo

*Slow claps*

Well done Joanna Riley, well done for using a serious, business opportunity like The Apprentice to strip to your underwear for a tacky lads mag. You must be so proud.

According to the article in which I discovered this disappointing and distasteful downfall, Miss Riley had this to say:

"It’s been a totally new experience for me. I’ve never done anything like this, but it’s been fun.

I just wanted to bring the fun side of me out because in The Apprentice, I was very professional and business-like.

I wanted to prove you can still be sexy in business as well and hopefully I’ve done that. This is just showing a prettier side of me. I’m really pleased with the shoot."

Yeah well you can throw all that professional and business-like demeanour out of the window now luv because no one is gonna take you seriously again after posing for friggin' ZOO magazine. What the hell were you thinking woman? Somehow I don't think this is quite what Lord Sugar meant when he advised you to go back to your cleaning business and concentrate on developing the company.

She also insists she's been offered countless job opportunities and doesn't stop picking up the phone.

SO WHY NOT TAKE UP ONE OF THOSE OPPORTUNITIES INSTEAD OF STRIPPING TO YOUR BRA AND PANTIES IN A NATIONAL MAGAZINE SO SOME PATHETIC GIMP CAN HAVE A CHEAP WANK OVER YOU?!!

Argh, my brain hurts. Why do 'smart' women do this to themselves? The female gender struggle to gain respect in business as it is, and this idiot has only encouraged that.

She didn't want to be known as 'Joanna the cleaner'. Now she's known as 'Joanna from The Apprentice who got her kit off for a lads mag'.

Congratulations you complete moron!

All London bus drivers must BURN IN HELL

Peeps, it's time for the inevitable today - a big fat, potty-mouthed rant.

Have you ever wondered why London bus drivers have such STANK attitude all the time? I dunno what their problem is, all they gotta do is sit behind some protective plastic shit and drive a fucking bus. They don't really have to talk to anyone or worry about customer service - the last time I heard a London bus driver say hello or smile was 19 diggity 2.

So what's the fuss? Why the need to be so rude and unaccommodating to innocent passengers? Why air the sorry fuckers out who almost kill themselves running for the bus they are so desperate to catch?

I'm sick of these grumpy, unsympathetic bastards. They get away with murder!

Today, I had to leave work early to make a doctor's appointment, which had been booked last minute and was an appointment I NEEDED to go to as I was in a fair bit of pain at the time. As I went to top up my oyster card to board the next departing tube, I realised I'd fucked up big time - I'd left my purse at home.

I left my god damn purse at HOME. And I had 30 friggin' measly PENCE to show for it!

I really thought I was done for. I needed to get the tube AND a bus in order to make my appointment on time. Desperation sunk in and I knew I'd have to blag it, just this once.

So I approached the stern looking chappy at the station and explained my dire situation and asked kindly if he would let me proceed with my journey without paying just this once. Miraculously, the chappy wasn't so stern after all, and let me through without ease. Result!

I had no problems getting off the tube as nobody was there (what's new) to question me - hehe, suckers.

Next mission - blag the bus ride.

So the first bus arrived. I tried the ol' "let me tap my oyster on the reader and do that jaw dropping thingy when I realise there's not enough money on there". The driver quickly informed me of my problem, to which I politely asked him if it was OK to let me on for just two stops in order to get to emergency appointment on time.

"NO."

"Errr... I'm sorry?"

"NO. YOU CANNOT STAY ON BUS."

"Erm it's only two stops Mr Bus Driver, can't you make an exception just this once? I don't have any money on me and it's an emergency."

"NO. THERE IS BANK THERE AND SHOP THERE, YOU CAN TOP UP."

"... OK but I don't have ANY money whatsoever, can't you help me?"

"NO."
..................... what a fucking NUMPTY!!! I wanted to punch his face in so bad, but I knew my time was up. "Thanks for nothing" was the last thing I said to him.

OK OK, next bus is coming. Surely somethings gotta give!

This time, I tried to the honest approach. Honesty is always the best policy, right?

WRONG.

*Steps onto bus* "Excuse me Mr Bus Driver, I don't have enough money on my oyster card but I really need to get to an appointment urgently, is it OK to stay on for just two stops?"

"WHAT? NO."

"... But I don't have any money right now to top up, please can you just let me stay for two stops?!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO MONEY? WHO LEAVES THEIR HOUSE WITHOUT MONEY?"

"Erm, it was an accident, I didn't mean to."

*Driver remains stony faced and shakes his head*

"OK, STAY THERE!"

"Thank you." (as if I'm gonna go upstairs and get comfortable, WTF?!)

The moaning driver then proceeded to talk to himself, stating his disbelief that I didn't have my purse on me.

"How can you forget your purse... yeah right, unbelievable!"

At this point, I had to just bite my tongue and stare into space otherwise I probably would have been sporting an orange jumpsuit behind bars now for GBH.

I must also add that a very kind lady offered to pay for my fare and told me to inform the driver that it IS possible to forget your purse at home as us females are prone to a bit of handbag swapping. God bless that woman, whoever she was.

I then realised I was supposed to stay on for THREE stops but of course I couldn't piss off this driver any further so I had to get off early. FUCK. Was definitely late at this point.

As I got off, I said nothing and went about my bizznizz. The driver shouted sarcastically "THANK YOU VERY MUCH", to which he got AIR. What the hell am I thanking you for, old timer? For trying to mug me off in front of everyone on the bus because, heaven forbid, I forgot my purse at home in a rush while trying to get ready for work at 6 o'clock in the fucking MORNING?!!

Yeah here's a thank you for you buddy - *flips middle finger*

If he really disagreed with keeping me on the bus, he should have stuck to his guns like the other tosser and told me to get off! No point in letting me on and then bitching for the rest of the journey, prick!

Hopefully they both crashed at the next stops.

RANT DONE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MUHFUCKAZ

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It's been a minute since I last blogged, sheeet... and it's been a minute since I last got some stuff off my chest so now I'm back! Can't believe how much I slipped with this blogging bizznizz, I'm such a wastegash.

Anyhoo, happy new year to whoever bothers to read this! Hope you had a fantaaaastic start to 2011, my NYE wasn't too bad you know, better than expected even! Ended up rolling to somewhere local and (sorta) cheap. The way they dropped this banger at midnight:



GOOD WEED, WHITE WINE
UH, I COME ALIVE IN THE NIGHT TIME
OKAAAAY AWAY WE GO
ONLY THING WE HAVE ON IS THE RADIOOOOO, OHH

Blap blap blap, the DJ knew what time it was!

Oh speaking of Rihanna, that moron ex-boyfriend of hers, Chris Brown, has been running his mouth on Twitter, hurling homophobic insults at Raz-B (B2K dude who says he got sexually abused). Apparently, this was the result of Raz-B commenting on Brown's previous 'domestic disturbance' with Rihanna.

It went a little something like this:

Raz-B: "... how can niggas like [Eric Benet] and [Chris Brown] disrespect women as intelligent as Halle Berry, Rihanna".

Chris Brown: "Nigga you want attention! Grow up Nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy".

... I really don't know how this little TWERP has fans any more, he's lucky to still have a career after it almost got flushed down the shitter when he beat the crap out of the Princess of Pop, now he wants to start publicly calling people batty boys on Twitter. Learn your lesson 'Breezy' and shut the hell up already!!! How bloody stupid can you get, do you wanna make money or not?!! Jeez, what a god damn moron.

Well that was my first rant of 2011, yaaay! More to come real soon.

Peace homies

This is the end...

:'(

WTF happened?

They went from this:



To this fucking MUSH:



What NONSENSE! This is the UK number one you know! Jesus Christ.

Fuck off Roll Deep, just fuck off! Bunch of mugs...

Put on some weight you dumb bitch!

WTF is this shit?

Aren't white jeans meant to make you look bigger? They're friggin' hanging off those toothpick legs.

And look at that bent over bony-ass wrist! Eurgh, it's putting me off me Sunday brekkie.

‘I am 100 per cent fit and healthy and I am the right weight for my type of body – if I’m honest I’m not a particular healthy eater, my big weakness is potatoes’, she told OK! magazine.

Shutup, shutup, SHUTUP! Stop lying and go get some help! We don't wanna hear about your weakness for potatoes or that old chestnut 'I've just got a fast metabolism'. You're ILL bitch, sort yourself out ASAP and stop promoting anorexia to your fans.

Come here rude boy boy can you get it up?

Wow I haven't blogged anything in MONTHS... I feel so ashamed, 'llow me though. This annoying thing called 'work' takes up all my time nowadays and leaves me constantly feeling knackered and stressed out my tits. Ohhhh how I miss being a student bum! *sniff sniff*

Anyways, I just randomly felt obliged to post Rihanna's new video... I guess because it looks sick... and well, it's stuck in my head right now.

Come here rude boy boy can you get it up?
Come here rude boy boy is you big enough?

Enjoy

Scorcher - Dark Knight

Badman!



Video and track overly hard. Scorcher is doing it right now!

*screams and faints like a school girl* MY GOODNESS!!!

Happy Scottish people day!

Ohhhh just look at that... almost brings a tear to me eye! *sniff sniff*

It's St. Andrew's Day today! Brap brap brap, gunshot gunshots

Big up all my Scots out there! It's tatties and mince tonight for tea, hehe!!!

Here's a legendary clip of my darg Ronnie Browne singing Flower Of Scotland at Hampden...



C'MON!!!

The whorebag has left the jungle

After being nominated for the SEVENTH time to tackle another excruciating bushtucker trial, Katie Price has had enough and consequently quit 'I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!'.

I think that means she's not getting her £350,000 fee... HAHA shame.

To this day, I STLL don't get why people have time for this deluded, self-obsessed, shameless whorebag. I don't get why I should respect her for selling every single aspect of her undignified life story to the media and more importantly using her poor kids in an attempt to carry on hogging the limelight.

She blatantly thought she was gonna go back in and win this year. All this 'closure' bollocks... I didn't fall for it. I swear, she just can't help herself!

And c'mon now, they all know what they're signing up for when they agree to take part. She knows that the majority of the public can't stand the sight of her, therefore it kinda goes without saying she would be the victim of being repeatedly nominated to do the bushtucker trials. What a moron.

She tried to play the public and they played her right back.

Bye bitch!

WTF@ Rihanna's headpiece

What the hell has she done to her hair?!!

All balding and shit... I got one word for this:

SLIPPIN!

Beyonce ft. Lady Gaga - Video Phone

Rahtid!

Gwaaaarn ladies, do your stuff! I love these two bitches.

So long ya jakey bastard!

Guys, a miracle has happened!

FINALLY, 'Uncle' George Burley is no longer the Scotland manager after the SFA gave him the boot earlier today.

Dunno what the hell took them so long, the guy's time in charge was an absolute JOKE and travesty.

How could we just win 3 games out of 14 when he was about? THREE GAMES OUT OF FOURTEEN Y'NA! That's actually disgraceful. I know we're not the best team in the world but come off it!!! We don't have time to be slippin' like that, we really don't.

And the way we plummeted from 14th in the Fifa rankings to 46th, that's when you know its time to throw in the towel. I can't believe he did that to us, what a DICK!

Yeah see ya later you old jakey cunt! Thanks for nothing innit!

Cha.

Boiled eggs + Ritz crackers = packed lunch from heaven?

Oi you lot, get a load of this right.

So I decided to grab myself a good ol' Happy Meal from McDonalds the other day when I was on my break from work. I found myself somewhere to sit and got on the blower to my mate to fill her in on the latest goss. Then I saw some freaky looking gypo family of three eating at the table next to me but I carried on munching obliviously and gasbagging to my friend.

But you know when you clock something from the corner of your eye? In this case, a mysterious plastic bag was the attraction, which appeared to posses some form of a packed lunch the family had brought along to the 'restaurant'. Straight away I thought rah, that's a bit much innit! You're not exactly gonna break the bank having your lunch in McDonalds now, are ya? Is there really a need to bring extra food along?

Well clearly if you're a dirty gypo, there is.

So I scanned the contents of their table to see if they'd actually bought ANYTHING from McDonalds. That's when I noticed a couple of strawberry sundaes. OK, fair do's, fair do's. But wait.... hold on... what's that I see emerging from the plastic bag repeatedly?

Eh?

Boiled... eggs?

BOILED FUCKING EGGS?!!

No way. No fucking way man! WHO DOES THAT? Who brings a scatty plastic bag full of BOILED EGGS to McDonalds? Jesus Chris Almighty! And I swear one of the eggs looked BLACK inside. *covers mouth to prevent sick coming out*

Oh AND and the shells were still intact on all of 'em! They were actually peeling off the shells at the table! Straight RAGGO!

You should have seen the way they were murking them eggs boi. Like it was the first time they'd eaten in their lives!

Guess what they had as their side dish?

Ritz crackers!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ritz bloody crackers... jheeez! What a packed lunch! And yes, I did witness the mum dip one of them into the SUNDAES and put it in the kid's mouth.

WTF! Allow it!!!

Happy birthday to me

So I'm 22 today.

LAME.

Who wants to be 22? Turning 21 was so much cooler. Nobody cares when you're 22.

What do I have to look forward to now? Responsibilities? Work? Bills? Debt? Settling down? Marriage? KIDS?!

Ah hell no. That's some scary ass shit. Why can't I just stay 21 forever?!! I mean, I don't even look my age! I look like a fucking 12 year old still.

Having said that, I'll have you know, I'm actually a victim of premature ageing - I HAVE GREY HAIRS. Yes, HAIRS people, not just one strand, there's a few of them fuckers hanging around on my head piece. Not cool man.

You don't believe me? Here, have a butchers at these bad boys:

Never dyed my hair in my life and yet they started propping up this time last year. I'm gonna be grey by the time I'm 25!!! It's the McBarbie genetics mate.

Well at least I don't have to work today. HI5!

I'm gonna go check my Facebook now to see if there's any more 'Happy Birthday' comments on my page to make me feel bare popular.

PEACE!

Sharon Osbourne's a bitch

You see, usually I think ol' Shazza's quite hilarious, but that was just deep.

Wonder what YOU'D look like now without all that plastic surgery Shaz? I suppose we'll never know!

I think God hit Su-Bo with the same ugly stick that Kelly and Jack got wacked about with!

OOOOOH OOOOOH McBarbs you're dread man, you're dread! Are you gonna take that Shaz, are you gonna take that?! Lata, lata, laaaaaaataaaaaaaaaa!!!

How to 'perform' like sodding Danyl and get a standing ovation off Cowell

Teefed this from a Digital Spy member:

Step 1: Start off quietly, mumble, pronounce the words like you're deaf, foreign and have speech impediment and sing the odd note in tune. Actual melody optional.

Step 2: As soon as the chorus kicks in... your time to shine, baby! Let the generic choir/backing track/35 piece orchestra handle the actual tune and screech 'soulfully' over the top. Wave your hands around and bend over a lot so it's a 'performance'. Pull freaky faces like you're possessed. You'll need a lot of dry ice for this bit.

Step 3: Do a 'trick' where you throw the microphone into your other hand.

Step 4: As the song draws to a close or your voice starts to crack from too much random shouting, hold a 'big note'. For as long as possible. Doesn't matter if it sounds good, people will be impressed as long as you hold it. Pull a face like you're (simultaneously) horrifically constipated and acting out the money shot in a gay porn movie.

Step 5: Smile smugly as Simon leaps to his feet and reels off his list of cliches. If the other judges criticise you, look like someone's just shoved a cactus up your arse and pout furiously.


HAHAHAHAHA!

Eastenders = WORST TELEVISION PROGRAMME IN HISTORY

OK I'm still in shock and I'm feeling physically sick, but let me try and get this straight.

We, the British public, are meant to believe that this charming, innocent young laddie

had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with and produced a wee bairn with THIS


.....................................

'ave a fucking word will ya?!!

Shame on whatever NUMPTY is responsible for this SHAMBOLIC, unfathomable and vomit-inducing so-called storyline!

You read it here first: Eastenders is officially THE worst television programme in history.

Seriously, Eastenders is overly wack and yet I still feel compelled to watch it... why???

I'm off to lie down. I need more time to digest the sheer horror that I've just witnessed...

Dick Griffin

Say no more.

Wake up wake up wake up...

Its October 1st people!



What you know about this tune???

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet...