Sunday, 25 October 2009
Step 1: Start off quietly, mumble, pronounce the words like you're deaf, foreign and have speech impediment and sing the odd note in tune. Actual melody optional.
Step 2: As soon as the chorus kicks in... your time to shine, baby! Let the generic choir/backing track/35 piece orchestra handle the actual tune and screech 'soulfully' over the top. Wave your hands around and bend over a lot so it's a 'performance'. Pull freaky faces like you're possessed. You'll need a lot of dry ice for this bit.
Step 3: Do a 'trick' where you throw the microphone into your other hand.
Step 4: As the song draws to a close or your voice starts to crack from too much random shouting, hold a 'big note'. For as long as possible. Doesn't matter if it sounds good, people will be impressed as long as you hold it. Pull a face like you're (simultaneously) horrifically constipated and acting out the money shot in a gay porn movie.
Step 5: Smile smugly as Simon leaps to his feet and reels off his list of cliches. If the other judges criticise you, look like someone's just shoved a cactus up your arse and pout furiously.
Friday, 23 October 2009
We, the British public, are meant to believe that this charming, innocent young laddie
had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with and produced a wee bairn with THIS
'ave a fucking word will ya?!!
Shame on whatever NUMPTY is responsible for this SHAMBOLIC, unfathomable and vomit-inducing so-called storyline!
You read it here first: Eastenders is officially THE worst television programme in history.
Seriously, Eastenders is overly wack and yet I still feel compelled to watch it... why???
I'm off to lie down. I need more time to digest the sheer horror that I've just witnessed...