Thursday, 28 May 2009

Jodie Marsh is now a bodybuilder

Erm... K?

Apart from those DISGUSTING breasticles of hers and the butterz man tattoos, she actually looks quite good.

According to the Daily Mail, she's "dropped three dress sizes from a size 12 to a 6/8."

... FUCK OFF! She was a size 12 before? What fucking bullshit! Why do always exaggerate the dress size statistics? It's so stupid!

Oh and she's now back to being straight - her lesbian ex-chick has gone back to Australia, and her new bloke is a builder from Brentwood.


Anyways, she's still a dick.

Sunday, 24 May 2009

The LAMEST adverts on TV right now

The people responsible for the making of the following TV adverts need to DIE:


Thursday, 21 May 2009

I heart cereal

I just clocked I haven't blogged anything for nearly a week - not cool. I'm running low on ideas right now, but I might as well talk about my determination to lose weight before I hit South Beach on the 21st June.

Time is ticking, and even though I've been regularly exercising - by that I mean 3-4 times a week - I've always slipped up on the ol' grub, which basically resulted in me not gaining any weight but not losing a whole lot either.

So for the next two weeks, it's all about cereal baby. I ain't touching that Special K crap because it tastes like utter SHITE - 'llow it. But basically, I'ma be munching on cereal for my breakfast and lunch, along with some fruit, low fat yoghurts and my trusted Snack-a-Jacks. Dinner will be 'normal', and I'll be drinking either water or squash with like, 5 calories per serving. Haha. Oh and green tea, can't forget my mate green tea!

No 'shit' can be consumed over the next fortnight. I'm talking to all of you fizzy drinks, bags of crisps, cakes and pastries and calorific chocolate bars. Just fuck off and leave me alone for a while, OK?! It ain't much to ask! Nobody likes a whale on South Beach, ya hear me? I can't afford to fuck up anymore!!!

Everyone please pray for me during this difficult and testing time!

I'm out.

Friday, 15 May 2009

This week's Holy Moly Duty Log Mental

A woman emailed to complain about about Coronation Street.


"Gail called Eddy an orang-utan, I consider this to be worse than calling a black person a chimp."

"I would like to complain over the use of the word 'orrangutang' by Gail earlier in the week. Would this have been acceptable if it were aimed at Craig Charles?"

"Ken Barlow has at least 5 Lyle and Scott jumpers I have been saving to buy my son one of these jumpers for a few months, but ken has quite a few and they retail around £70 -£90 each. How can ken afford these?"

"Kens new girlfriend on the narrow boat says she is going to spend time at various places including the Norfolk Broads I do wish writers and researchers would do their homework properly There is no navigable waterway link between the canal system and the Broads, except via the sea which would ?no be viable in a narrow boat."



Check Ken though, with the Lyle & Scott jumpers. Gwaaaaarn Kenny!

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Lost Season 5 finale trailer

Looky looky!


It's gonna be amazing...

Nick Cannon is officially INSANE

Yes, that's right - Nick Cannon has literally lost the plot! You have GOT to read every single last word of what can only really be described as a rambling, bizarre, racist, completely illogical and INSANE yet HILARIOUS blog post courtesy of the man in question! The blog is a response to a leaked Eminem single 'Bagpipes From Baghdad', in which Em takes the opportunity to diss Cannon's wife Mariah Carey and calls her a 'whore'.

I'm gonna highlight the best bits in bold - observe people:

Well, well, well. Fresh off the plane with my wife from our second honeymoon on the beautiful secluded islands of the Maldives and what do I find in my email box? A mediocre (at best) Eminem record that sounds like it was written in 2001. At first I thought it was old material that had been dug up from when dude “fantasized” about having a pretend fling with Mariah. I was thinking to myself, “Hey that was before me so it is really none of my business, so I’m going to give him a pass.”

So as I continued to semi enjoy Marshall’s rhyme scheme and flow, I mean let’s be honest dude used to be incredible. He was a witty lyrist with dope delivery and timing. Some even say, one of the best to ever do it. I had nothing but respect for this dude. But all of a sudden I hear my name in the verse! My first reaction was like, “This is his new shit??? Wow, that’s too bad…” Then I felt sorry for him because he must really be stuck in the past. Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn’t let him get to second base from 8 years ago! He even describes his desperate lameness in this bad excuse for storytelling track. That’s some real middle school shit right there! (What type of grown ass man lies about getting with a chick) Only Slim Lamey! LOL!
(Wow Nick, you've got jokes still!)

So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek”
(WTF, Christ like?!)

But then the dude on the other shoulder said, “ What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!” (OK, did he just compare himself to Manny Pacquiao?! HAHAHA)

Then, without listening to either one of the voices on my shoulders, I analyzed the situation from a logical perspective. Am I going to battle Eminem and try to out rap him? No, that would be stupid. The dude is nice on the mic. Even though nowadays he lacks substance, rapping about when he used to be hot. Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime.

Then I asked myself should I go find this Bitch and just whoop his little ass? But that might have just been the Creatine and protein shakes talking! LOL. Even though most people don’t know that I’m nice in the ring and have been training in boxing and Martial Arts for years that would just be childish and silly of me to bully this dude
(looooooooooool OK Nick!)
. He clearly has been picked on all his life and I would hate to add to his deep-rooted pain. As we all know he has had a hard life and has major insecurity issues and is very confused and unhappy with himself. So a guy like that doesn’t really need another ass whoopin, he needs a hug. We should really pray for his troubled heart.

So just when the good guy in me is about to emerge and shine through, something hits me… Something bigger than rap beefs, something bigger than jealousy infused insults, something bigger than lackluster attention seeking punchlines, something bigger than artistic expression. I realized, that this so-called man has just disrespected and slanderized one of the world’s most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color, Mariah Carey!
(WHOA WHOA WHOA, hold on a second... since when was Mariah Carey black?!! LMAO)

Some people may not realize or tend to forget that my wife is a Black woman (Huh? Maybe because she ISN'T?!!). And she has had enough difficulty in her life dealing with racial and ethnicity issues. Believe it or not, Mariah is the same racial mixture as our beloved president Barack Obama. [Black Father + White Mother= BLACK] (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA this guy's equations are too much! Black + White = BLACK, does it???)

Maybe I’m going too far (no no, keep going please!), but I thought we got passed the days where white men could spew vulgar obscenities at our beautiful queens and get away with it. What’s next? Are we going to let this trash say something horrible about our lovely first lady, Mrs. Michelle Obama? (LOL what does Michelle Obama have to do with anything?!!) Or would Marshall have talked sideways out of his neck like this about Oprah Winfrey? This act of racist bigotry cannot go unnoticed ('act of racist bigotry' you know! LOL what is this guy on?!). Calling my wife a “cunt” and a “whore” is way worse than anything Don Imus could have ever said (Ohhhhh he called her a cunt and a whore? I thought he was being racist though?)
So trust, repercussions will be served. Anybody got Al Sharpton’s number?! LOL

Let’s not forget about Eminem’s amateur mixtape rants of calling African Americans Nigger and how he hates “Black Bitches”. How did we let him get away with that in the first place?!
(If that bothered him so much in the first place, why didn't he pipe up and say something back then???)
He is a natural born racist in disguise. Someone tell this coward that he finally barked up the wrong tree. For his entire career he strategically only tried to beef with people he could bully. I mean, what real man picks fights with women? Real MC’s battle other real MC’s. Ask Nas, ask Jay Z, you didn’t see them starting beefs with women! That is truly some punk shit!

So I’m putting this out there now. Marshall Mathers, you need to holler at me on some grown man shit. Man to man, let’s meet up and deal with this like adults. This is my invitation to you, whenever and wherever you like sir. So when you come out of your introverted hiding place and ask your bodyguards if you can go out and play by yourself, I’m here Pimp!

Your blatant disrespect not just to Black women but ALL women in general must stop. You are a despicable excuse for a man. I can’t even see how you can call yourself a father! Imagine if someone said half the stuff you say about women to your daughter, Hayley. (And I’m pretty sure they will because you got it coming Marshall.) That’s how Karma works.

You sold your little records and made a little bit of change but now you are stepping in the wrong territory. You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake
(raped and pillaged??? But I thought Em "used to be incredible"???)
. Don’t you know that the black woman is the foundation and the strongest force in our culture? Take notes homey, Elvis would have never disrespected Aretha Franklin or Diana Ross. You were supposed to just do your little song and dance, make your little racist money and call it a day. But no, you had to dishonor the black man’s most precious counterpart.

I’m taking full action on you Eminem. I don’t know why no one has stood up to your bitch ass yet. But I guess it’s going to take a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon
(yep, sounds about right!) to set you straight. And trust, I am going to be relentless. Even though I got a lot of other obligations and occupations, you are my new full time job “homey”! (Wow, dude's got time!) As a matter of fact I think you going to bring my wack rhymes out of retirement! That’s right haters; you can thank Eminem because I’m going to start rapping again! LOL Just for him! (That's his prepared excuse for when Eminem destroys him) And don’t forget about the jokes! We coming at you hard body!! Non-stop on your Manic-depressive-Insecure-Maclovin-Nazi- Liza Minelli haircut havin-lookin ass!! [Pause] That’s what I do all day Bitch! (Errr, can someone can translate that bit please?)

So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!! (...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)


OK, let's get one thing straight: if Eminem publicly calls Mariah Carey a 'cunt' and a 'whore', then by all means, Nick should have something to say about that. He's gonna be furious, understandably, and if he didn't retaliate, then we'd all think he was a shook one. So fair enough, he chose to come back at Mr Mathers. But WTF has skin colour got to do with ANYTHING? Why did he have to pull out the race card??? Since when did calling someone a 'cunt' or a 'whore' equate to racism? The guy's actually lost the plot! He's only exposed HIMSELF as a racist instead, the dumb schmuck!

"I mean let’s be honest dude used to be incredible. He was a witty lyrist with dope delivery and timing. Some even say, one of the best to ever do it. I had nothing but respect for this dude."

And then:

"You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake."

Loooooool I don't get it. He had nothing but respect for Eminem, yet he supposedly 'raped' rap music like 'a Caucasian con man'??? Make up your mind Nicholas!!!

And since when was Mariah Carey a 'BLACK' woman? LMAO oh my goodness! The way this dude tried to flip it, oh my... you've gotta love how the Obama's and Oprah Winfrey got a mention in the same post! Classic stuff...

I seriously cannot WAIT to hear Em's response to this!

Friday, 8 May 2009

Oh no she didn't...

Lily Allen held no punches in a stinging attack on celebrity footballers and WAGS in a French football magazine.

The Coles and Beckhams bore the brunt of the assault by the straight-talking singer, who let rip in an interview with SoFoot.

Describing what she thought of Cheryl Cole she said: "She represents everything I hate - she is stupid, superficial, as ugly outside as inside."

Cheryl's husband Ashley didn't escape the rant either: "He is the worst, he disgusts me".

Lily, whose album It's Not Me It's You is in the top ten, then launched into David and Victoria, saying: "The Beckhams are sickening... everyone knows she is a monster."

And in case readers were still unsure of what she thinks of footballers' wives and girlfriends, she said:
"I would rather shoot myself between the eyes than be a WAG."

I hope this is a case of her words being lost in translation...

How you gonna call Cheryl Cole UGLY? HAHAHA

The jealously is a looooooooooooooot, Lily. You've pretty much just described yourself there love. Let's be real now, you're the butterz one, not our Cheryl, don't ever get it twisted!

And not like I'm Victoria Beckham's biggest fan or anything, but to label her a monster? Lol that's a bit much!

She's spot on about Ashley Coleslaw - everyone knows he's a cunt - and yeah, I'd probably wanna shoot myself in the eyes too rather than be a WAG.

But lay off Cheryl, Lily. It's getting a bit boring now, and you're not gonna get anywhere with those hypocritical comments. It's not her fault she's good looking! Cheryl could have any man in the world, and the best you're doing right now is your Dad's friends. So allow yourself and STFU.

To conclude this post, let's do a quick compare and contrast shall we?

Exhibit A - Lily Allen:

Exhibit B: Cheryl Cole


Thursday, 7 May 2009

The Apprentice - Quote of the week

Nick Snaith to Phillip:

"Tell us about Pants Man."

*Cue complete silence from Phillip*

LMAO classic!!!

Phillip was sexy, straight up and down, but it was the right decision to fire him. He really did not have anything positive to say about Lorraine aka Mystic Meg aka Cassandra, did he? Silly Phillip...

"I could have done a better job than Lorraine."

"But you didn't sell ANYTHING."

"Yeah I know that, but I still could have done a better job."

... OK Phil.

Surprised Kate let herself down and got herself into the bottom 3. I personally think she will go on to win it - she's got charm, she's got brains and she knows how to sell. If not, it will definitely be a female winner, possibly Yasmina. Debra has potential but she's far too mouthy and controlling. Mona is alright too, but I just don't see her going the whole way. And Lorraine is causing too much controversy at the moment, plus I've read dodgy stories about her which I assume will prevent her from winning.

I can't believe I never watched any of the previous series - what was I thinking?!! The Apprentice is the fucking bollocks!

Roll on next Wednesday!

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

R.I.P Daniel Faraday

Ah man, WTF?!!

How could they kill off one of my favourite characters??? How could they do that to me?!!

I'm so pissed man... Daniel was a safe dude like. He had all the answers. He didn't do no harm to no one! He was so sweet, bless him.


I'm gonna miss him... and his voice. It always cracked me up.

And I'm more baffled than ever. I'm trying to figure out some sort of timeline in my head, but I can't. I don't get it... say the Chinaman doctor evacuates everyone, like he's supposed to, and peeps get off the island... then what? Where does that leave Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sawyer etc. ? Is everything gonna happen all over again? OMG seriously, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to type what I'm thinking about all of this, but I actually can't! I need someone to explain everything to me!!! God, that show's so bloody confusing! My head hurts now...

Anyways, the finale is next week I believe, so here's the link to the trailer.

Omg omg omggggggg, can't wait!!!

I just had a thought: I bet you Daniel ain't even dead lol or he somehow manages to come back to life, John Locke-style. You never know with Lost! We shall see...

Sunday, 3 May 2009

Deacon Blue - Real Gone Kid

For all my Scots out there...