Two words...

NOSE JOB.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Oh Leona, Leona, Leona...

How to 'perform' like sodding Danyl and get a standing ovation off Cowell

Teefed this from a Digital Spy member:

Step 1: Start off quietly, mumble, pronounce the words like you're deaf, foreign and have speech impediment and sing the odd note in tune. Actual melody optional.

Step 2: As soon as the chorus kicks in... your time to shine, baby! Let the generic choir/backing track/35 piece orchestra handle the actual tune and screech 'soulfully' over the top. Wave your hands around and bend over a lot so it's a 'performance'. Pull freaky faces like you're possessed. You'll need a lot of dry ice for this bit.

Step 3: Do a 'trick' where you throw the microphone into your other hand.

Step 4: As the song draws to a close or your voice starts to crack from too much random shouting, hold a 'big note'. For as long as possible. Doesn't matter if it sounds good, people will be impressed as long as you hold it. Pull a face like you're (simultaneously) horrifically constipated and acting out the money shot in a gay porn movie.

Step 5: Smile smugly as Simon leaps to his feet and reels off his list of cliches. If the other judges criticise you, look like someone's just shoved a cactus up your arse and pout furiously.


HAHAHAHAHA!

Eggnog got slewed

Can you believe this kid actually had the audacity to make an album???

Check out the review on Digital Spy:

Four months after last year's X Factor final, the most memorable thing about the singer who finished in third place is his name. Owen? Eoin? Euan? Nah, it's "Eoghan" apparently. Hmm... is that pronounced to rhyme with toboggan? No, actually it's like the surname of the shortest member of Take That. Good. Glad we've got that one cleared up.

Anyway, it comes as a bit of a surprise to find Eggnog, who made his way to the final as much on boyish charm than any innate singing talent, releasing the first X Factor Class Of '08 record. RCA seem to have missed a trick in failing to put this out before Mother's Day, but the delay can't have been caused by a painstaking search for the right material. Eunice's album features just one original track, a fairly forgettable pop-rock tune called '28,000 Friends' that sounds like track eight from a Busted album.

That aside, Enoch's album is filled with covers of songs he sang on The X Factor (a cheap-sounding remake of 'We're All In This Together', a listless take on 'Does Your Mother Know', a version of 'Never Forget' that's about as rousing as a bout of the flu) and songs he probably would have sung on The X Factor were it a few weeks longer ('She's The One' - pleasant enough, 'All About You' - dull as dieting). The only relatively obscure selections are 'Learn To Fly', a forgotten a1 ballad, and 'When You Look Me In The Eyes', a Jonas Brothers single that flopped on this side of the Atlantic.

Unsurprisingly, none of these covers trumps the version we all know and love. More shocking is the low quality control that's been applied to Emmenthal's vocals. 'Does Your Mother Know' and 'All About You' both feature bum notes aplenty, while the way he attempts to sing the chorus of 'Never Forget' is positively wince-inducing. These shaky performances serve to make the album sound amateurish as well as utterly redundant - and Elephant shows only fleeting glimpses of the charm that endeared him to X Factor viewers. The only saving grace? We won't be worrying how to pronounce his name again until Dancing On Ice 2011.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! They boyd him, HAHAHA! Dancing On Ice you know... that's a par mate.

I swear, I don't think I've ever seen a one star rated album before on there. Simon Cowell is gonna be overly pissed.

X Factor voting details - errrr WTF?!

Check this out everyone:

TOTAL VOTES CAST OVER ENTIRE SERIES : 16,469,064

Show 1
Eoghan Quigg 21.19%
Scott Bruton 19.48%
Laura White 16.99%
Diana Vickers 7.35%
Daniel Evans 7.21%
Alexandra Burke 7.20%
JLS 5.03%
Rachel Hylton 4.77%
Austin Drage 3.63%
Ruth Lorenzo 3.47%
Girlband 2.17%
Bad Lashes 1.51% (Deadlock)

Show 2
Eoghan Quigg 26.77%
Diana Vickers 16.24%
JLS 9.21%
Laura White 8.99%
Austin Drage 8.98%
Daniel Evans 8.23%
Alexandra Burke 7.15%
Rachel Hylton 5.01%
Scott Bruton 4.17%
Ruth Lorenzo 2.95%
Girlband 2.30% (Deadlock)

Show 3
Eoghan Quigg 20.73%
Diana Vickers 15.13%
Rachel Hylton 12.21%
JLS 10.81%
Ruth Lorenzo 8.93%
Alexandra Burke 8.83%
Laura White 7.53%
Austin Drage 6.22%
Daniel Evans 5.94%
Scott Bruton 3.67% (Judges)

Show 4
Eoghan Quigg 19.81%
JLS 17.00%
Diana Vickers 15.24%
Daniel Evans 10.83%
Ruth Lorenzo 10.25%
Alexandra Burke 8.82%
Laura White 7.38%
Austin Drage 6.86% (Judges)
Rachel Hylton 3.81%

Show 5
Eoghan Quigg 27.39%
Alexandra Burke 18.35%
Daniel Evans 13.77%
JLS 13.26%
Rachel Hylton 10.39%
Laura White 9.90% (Judges)
Ruth Lorenzo 6.94%

Show 6
Diana Vickers 31.30%
Eoghan Quigg 19.56%
Ruth Lorenzo 13.91%
Alexandra Burke 13.31%
JLS 9.91%
Daniel Evans 7.53% (Judges)
Rachel Hylton 4.48%

Show 7
Eoghan Quigg 31.79%
Diana Vickers 18.94%
Ruth Lorenzo 16.07%
Alexandra Burke 14.97%
JLS 11.75%
Rachel Hylton 6.48% (Judges)

Show 8
Alexandra Burke 24.53%
JLS 24.34%
Eoghan Quigg 19.58%
Diana Vickers 16.32%
Ruth Lorenzo 15.23% (Public)

Show 9
JLS 35.03%
Alexandra Burke 31.04%
Eoghan Quigg 21.14%
Diana Vickers 12.79% (Public)

Show 10 (Final) – At vote freeze
Alexandra Burke 44.02%
JLS 30.65%
Eoghan Quigg 25.33%

Show 10 (Final) – Final Result
Alexandra Burke 58.34%
JLS 41.66%


... So Eggnog won SIX out of 10 shows?!!

Oh my lady!

WHO THE HELL WAS VOTING FOR THIS GUY???

• Scott finished 2nd in the first week!
• Daniel never finished bottom!
• Alexandra won only one show outside of the final!

Revelations or what?!!

X Factor final 2008

What's good people?

Thought I'd take this opportunity to make some random observations and comments about the grand X Factor final that happened a couple of days ago.

• I wanted Alexandra to win, JLS 2nd and Eggnog 3rd - the British public agreed.
• I know Alexandra is a human being but all that hyperventilating and non-stop crying made me cringe.
• Beyonce smacked it - effortless.
• Alexandra's duet with Beyonce = very sweet.
• JLS = Blacklife - well done Louis (tit).
• Ronan Keating completely took over from Eggnog.
• Ronan Keating = ginger facial hair and wrinkly.
• Boyzone in general = looked like shit.
• I actually felt sorry for Eggnog.
• Cheryl's dress - nuff said.
• Cheryl's skin and bones look - nuff said.
• Dannii's curves - that's a good look.
• Rachel - was she even wearing make-up??!
• Hallelujah - should be Diana's song.

Overall, Alexandra was definately the deserved winner but after watching some of her past performances before she got booted off, I feel that Laura White was the best vocalist out the lot.

6 months to go until X Factor 2009!

JLS are screwed

So the X Factor final is happening this Saturday night coming.

And the 'special' guests that will be performing with the three finalists have been confirmed.

Alexandra has got BEYONCE.

JLS were supposed to have Rihanna but she's dropped out so now they have...

... wait for it...

WESTLIFE
..................................................................................

And Eggnog has BOYZONE.

Seriously... WESTLIFE and BOYZONE?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Is that REALLY the best Simon and Louis could come up with?! Louis' choice is especially lazy.

JLS and WestSHITE do not go hand in hand. It's safe to say they're blatantly NOT winning the competition now. From Rihanna to Westlife - they're PISSED.

I see Alexandra winning it now and I hope she does.

If Eggnog wins I think they might as well make this X Factor the last because that would be some straight bullshit right there and the show would literally lose all credibility that most people believe it lacks anyway.

OK I'm gone.

BLESS

Britney week on X Factor - the worst ever?

One thing that pisses me off about the X Factor is the way the judges all lick celebrity arse, especially Simon! As surprising as that may sound, it's true.

On Saturday's show Britney Spears made her long-awaited comeback on British television, performing for the first time in over four years.

And boy was it a let down!

Look, I'm a supporter of Britney. I'm perfectly aware of the shit she went through prior to her comeback and the media's disgraceful, inhumane treatment of her during all her mental problems. So I'm all for Britney getting back to her normal self and having a successful career once again.

However, she went on a show that functions through LIVE performances by amateur singers and she MIMED. She mimed, everyone. And what's worse, did anyone actually expect her to NOT mime? It was so predictable that she would not deliver a live performance. I don't give a fuck if she was dancing or not because her dancing wasn't all that either. If you can't dance and sing at the same time, then don't do both. Just sing. Simple as that.

Is it just me or did she look slightly uncomfortable and like she was kinda unsure of herself? I don't think that was the same Britney as before... maybe she was too nervous. Plus her hair and make-up sucked. Who was styling this woman on the night? Whoever you are, you should blatantly get sacked.

And then she gave the vaguest, shortest and most useless answers in history to Dermot when he questioned her about the show and the contestants! That made me cringe so much. It was obvious she hadn't bothered to watch any of the performances beforehand. This was confirmed when I read later on that Simon had approached her in her dressing room and asked if she had been watching backstage and she told him no, leaving him visibly gobsmacked.

Why didn't she watch them? Why didn't she give masterclasses or whatever they're called to the contestants, like all the other guests have done? What was the actual POINT in her being there???

And then, to top it off, Miley friggin' Cyrus - who is like, 10 years younger then Britney - comes out of nowhere and sings live and in tune while dancing at the same time! What's that all about, eh?!!

I'm sorry, but it was just so pathetic. Britney is quite possibly the most overrated, over hyped recording artist in history.

Britney week SUCKED!!!

She's gone

Well people, Rachel Hylton's controversial X Factor journey has come to an end.

I was a fan of hers from day one, but I understand why other peeps didn't warm to her, and her performances were not consistent - not helped by dodgy song choices.

Personally, I felt she outsang JLS on the main show and during the bottom two sing-off as well. However, seeing as that was her third time in the bottom two, I suppose it was only fair that it was her last. Unfortunately, it was plain to see she was never going to win the competition. The voting public did not get her... erm, 'ghetto' personality shall we say, and I suppose the gunshot hand sign she did last weekend when she triumphed over Daniel didn't help either. Maybe when she learns to tone things down a notch and figures out when to shutup every once in a while, she can enjoy great success in the future. I hope she does anyway.

JLS have been more consistent and it was their first time in the bottom two. I don't know why 'A Million Love Songs' didn't work for them... they're supposed to be the bollocks at the harmony stuff, but they flopped on the night. Something wasn't right... why the judges didn't comment on their vocal performance just baffled me. You would expect Simon to especially. But I like them and hopefully they will last longer than Eggnog.

I like everyone else who is left except for him. Ruth is my favourite now. Don't you just love the way Simon is clearly mesmerised every time she takes to the stage? HAHAHA.

I hope Rachel gets signed up regardless of her early exit. She smacked it.

*does gunshot hand sign*

I'm gone.

P.S. Louis is an immature PRICK.

P.P.S. Why did Same Difference come back on the show to MIME their performance? My god, they're annoying.

Eye hate Louis Walsh

(Sometimes) the X Factor is so fucking annoying!!!

Yesterday was such a good show, almost all of the acts performed their best yet. It was clear to see that the weakest link once again was Daniel Evans.

Dude is not meant to be on the show.

We FINALLY get him just where we want him - the bottom two. Alongside him was Scott, who performed well but wasn't as outstanding as the rest. It should have been the little Irish twerp instead.

So straight away, I thought Scott had it in the bag and Daniel was a goner. Even when Daniel turned around and said he was dedicating his song to his wife *rolls eyes* - sorry, I'm not heartless right, what happened to this guy really did move me, but I just thought that was so typical of him to say that. Obviously, Scott can't compete with Daniel's sob story.

Then they both sang, and well, I still would have kept Scott in. Who can actually see Daniel winning? He is there because of his background, not because he has 'the X factor'. For the past couple of weeks, Louis has told him the exact same thing.

So WTF HAPPENED?!!

Louis ends up blubbering like a bitch, and SAVES Daniel, alongside his mentor Dannii (at least that makes sense) and Cheryl.

Seriously, Louis and Cheryl suck so bad. I've got nuff love for Cheryl, but she let me down yesterday, falling for the soppiness. I was just so shocked man. I was sitting there telling my mum she's an idiot for thinking that Daniel could get through again. I would have bet my life on him going!

It's official: Simon is the only sane judge left. It no longer matters what the rest of them think.

Oh and Ruth, Alexandra, Laura, Rachel (finally), Diana and Austin all smacked it!

The end.

Not a good start for the X Factor Finals '08

Afternoon peeps.

God, there is so many things I wanna comment on right now!

For now, let's start with last night's X Factor shows.

Bad Lashes were the dreaded first act to be voted off, with the least amount of votes from the public. I personally feel that they were the wrong act to go and that they had the edge over Girlband. I didn't understand why Simon thought they were both "shocking"... and I really liked the version of 'Wonderwall' that Bad Lashes sang to survive! What was so horrible about it??? I really don't understand X Factor sometimes, I really don't...

Mmmm what else...

Cheryl Cole looked stunning as always. Glad to see that Dannii wasn't overshadowed by Cheryl for the first time since this series started -that's because the shows are live now, so no biased editing. Rachel's song choice probably looked good on paper, but it didn't work on the night and the tune didn't do her strong voice any favours. Scott probably did have the worst song choice ever on X Factor, poor lad. Alexandra was good but not amazing. Laura was by far the best on the night (I can definitely see now why she made the top three, despite the Bo Selecta-esque face), and I enjoyed Diana's performance.

Really surprisingly, I don't think the Boyz II Men tracked worked that well for JLS, but they did alright overall. Ruth's performance was worth it for Simon's reaction at the end. Sorry, but I ain't feeling that lil' Irish boy, I can't even spell his name. He is totally forgettable and his voice is average. We'll see what happens when he has to sing something upbeat and actually move around on the stage - trust me, he'll be toast. Austin was good, but not as great as I thought he'd be.

Oh yeah, and then there was by FAR the worst performance of the night - Daniel Evans.

I really, REALLY like this guy as a person, but c'mon... that was one obvious pub performance. It was quite embarrassing. Why was this guy put through to the live shows? Why was he put through to the final 6 even? He is simply not good enough, and no one will buy his records. Dannii should have just admitted to being wrong yesterday, she didn't even comment on his performance! Just faffed on about how much of a sweet guy he is. Yes we know that Dannii, but this ain't the 'Sweetest guy in the world' competition, let's be real now! It's not fair that decent performers like Bad Lashes and Girlband are left in the bottom two while this guy could potentially make it to the final week (he won't though). I feel proper bad though saying all this because he killed me when he said how much he was enjoying himself on stage last night, bless him man.

Who do you think should have gone yesterday? Who do you see winning the competition?

Roll on with the Wacko Jacko theme next week! That's gonna be very interesting methinks...

I heart Rachel Hylton

Who's been watching The X Factor?

I have. And I'm really liking Rachel at the mo'. You know the one with like, 5 kids. I think she's bloody great!

I haven't been able to get her bootcamp performance from Saturday night's show out of my head. 99.9% of the time I agree with Simon, but I didn't get why he told Rachel she had nearly "ruined" her version of 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol. He clearly wasn't hearing what everyone else was. She's like a black Amy Winehouse!

Her arrangement just blew me away, I loved it! I know she's a bit nuts, but I reckon if she doesn't make it to the live shows, it will be a complete travesty! She is the one to watch this year...

Check it out:



P.S. Happy Birthday pappa!