Sunday, 25 October 2009

How to 'perform' like sodding Danyl and get a standing ovation off Cowell

Teefed this from a Digital Spy member:

Step 1: Start off quietly, mumble, pronounce the words like you're deaf, foreign and have speech impediment and sing the odd note in tune. Actual melody optional.

Step 2: As soon as the chorus kicks in... your time to shine, baby! Let the generic choir/backing track/35 piece orchestra handle the actual tune and screech 'soulfully' over the top. Wave your hands around and bend over a lot so it's a 'performance'. Pull freaky faces like you're possessed. You'll need a lot of dry ice for this bit.

Step 3: Do a 'trick' where you throw the microphone into your other hand.

Step 4: As the song draws to a close or your voice starts to crack from too much random shouting, hold a 'big note'. For as long as possible. Doesn't matter if it sounds good, people will be impressed as long as you hold it. Pull a face like you're (simultaneously) horrifically constipated and acting out the money shot in a gay porn movie.

Step 5: Smile smugly as Simon leaps to his feet and reels off his list of cliches. If the other judges criticise you, look like someone's just shoved a cactus up your arse and pout furiously.



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