All London bus drivers must BURN IN HELL

Peeps, it's time for the inevitable today - a big fat, potty-mouthed rant.

Have you ever wondered why London bus drivers have such STANK attitude all the time? I dunno what their problem is, all they gotta do is sit behind some protective plastic shit and drive a fucking bus. They don't really have to talk to anyone or worry about customer service - the last time I heard a London bus driver say hello or smile was 19 diggity 2.

So what's the fuss? Why the need to be so rude and unaccommodating to innocent passengers? Why air the sorry fuckers out who almost kill themselves running for the bus they are so desperate to catch?

I'm sick of these grumpy, unsympathetic bastards. They get away with murder!

Today, I had to leave work early to make a doctor's appointment, which had been booked last minute and was an appointment I NEEDED to go to as I was in a fair bit of pain at the time. As I went to top up my oyster card to board the next departing tube, I realised I'd fucked up big time - I'd left my purse at home.

I left my god damn purse at HOME. And I had 30 friggin' measly PENCE to show for it!

I really thought I was done for. I needed to get the tube AND a bus in order to make my appointment on time. Desperation sunk in and I knew I'd have to blag it, just this once.

So I approached the stern looking chappy at the station and explained my dire situation and asked kindly if he would let me proceed with my journey without paying just this once. Miraculously, the chappy wasn't so stern after all, and let me through without ease. Result!

I had no problems getting off the tube as nobody was there (what's new) to question me - hehe, suckers.

Next mission - blag the bus ride.

So the first bus arrived. I tried the ol' "let me tap my oyster on the reader and do that jaw dropping thingy when I realise there's not enough money on there". The driver quickly informed me of my problem, to which I politely asked him if it was OK to let me on for just two stops in order to get to emergency appointment on time.

"NO."

"Errr... I'm sorry?"

"NO. YOU CANNOT STAY ON BUS."

"Erm it's only two stops Mr Bus Driver, can't you make an exception just this once? I don't have any money on me and it's an emergency."

"NO. THERE IS BANK THERE AND SHOP THERE, YOU CAN TOP UP."

"... OK but I don't have ANY money whatsoever, can't you help me?"

"NO."
..................... what a fucking NUMPTY!!! I wanted to punch his face in so bad, but I knew my time was up. "Thanks for nothing" was the last thing I said to him.

OK OK, next bus is coming. Surely somethings gotta give!

This time, I tried to the honest approach. Honesty is always the best policy, right?

WRONG.

*Steps onto bus* "Excuse me Mr Bus Driver, I don't have enough money on my oyster card but I really need to get to an appointment urgently, is it OK to stay on for just two stops?"

"WHAT? NO."

"... But I don't have any money right now to top up, please can you just let me stay for two stops?!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO MONEY? WHO LEAVES THEIR HOUSE WITHOUT MONEY?"

"Erm, it was an accident, I didn't mean to."

*Driver remains stony faced and shakes his head*

"OK, STAY THERE!"

"Thank you." (as if I'm gonna go upstairs and get comfortable, WTF?!)

The moaning driver then proceeded to talk to himself, stating his disbelief that I didn't have my purse on me.

"How can you forget your purse... yeah right, unbelievable!"

At this point, I had to just bite my tongue and stare into space otherwise I probably would have been sporting an orange jumpsuit behind bars now for GBH.

I must also add that a very kind lady offered to pay for my fare and told me to inform the driver that it IS possible to forget your purse at home as us females are prone to a bit of handbag swapping. God bless that woman, whoever she was.

I then realised I was supposed to stay on for THREE stops but of course I couldn't piss off this driver any further so I had to get off early. FUCK. Was definitely late at this point.

As I got off, I said nothing and went about my bizznizz. The driver shouted sarcastically "THANK YOU VERY MUCH", to which he got AIR. What the hell am I thanking you for, old timer? For trying to mug me off in front of everyone on the bus because, heaven forbid, I forgot my purse at home in a rush while trying to get ready for work at 6 o'clock in the fucking MORNING?!!

Yeah here's a thank you for you buddy - *flips middle finger*

If he really disagreed with keeping me on the bus, he should have stuck to his guns like the other tosser and told me to get off! No point in letting me on and then bitching for the rest of the journey, prick!

Hopefully they both crashed at the next stops.

RANT DONE.

List of things that piss me off - pt. 2

11. When people make plans to meet up with you, then they dowse and don’t even bother to provide you with an explanation. Ignorant PRICKS.

12. Those fucking annoying generic ‘MySpace Hoes’ comments, e.g. “Just passin tru 2 show some luv! Hope all is bless... take it easy, don’t be a stranger 2 my page bbz xxx” – get out of here man. Oh and those blasted spam comments as well, and when people don’t even bother to delete them and allow them to clog up their page! WHY???

13. Dirty old perverts who try to add you when they have nuff skets in their top friends that they blatantly don’t know outside of MySpace, you bunch of sad bastards! Why would I want to be friends with a 49 year old man who's not in my family? FUCK OFF!

14. When old people try to shove past you when you’re getting on the bus, just because they’re old. Errrr if you wait two fucking seconds grandma, I’ll gladly let you get on first so you can take your seat at the front, but no, you’re too rasclart quick!

15. Speaking of old people on buses: when they don’t give you two seconds to give up your seat for them before they start moaning and tutting over having to stand and that kids ain’t got no respect... again, TOO QUICK. And besides, even if I don’t give up my seat, how do you if I’m not well enough to stand myself? Maybe I’ve got a fucking broken foot or some shit, maybe I’m up the duff for all you know?! So get the hell off my case you old demented bastards!

16. The N7 bus. I won’t even go into this one... nuff said.

17. Night buses in general. Nuff said.

18. When people try and tell me that I’m not really Scottish because I was born in London. Oh OK, so I have like, 10 generations of family that all come from Scotland, but I’m NOT Scottish? If I was born in Japan, would you say I’m Japanese? NO YOU WOULDN’T. People need to recognise that England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are all separate fucking countries! Douchebags.

19. People that don’t know how to say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’.

20. People that interrupt other people when they’re talking, because they think that their point/story is more important and interesting when in actual fact most of the time it’s not, and then they don’t even bother to go back to what you were saying in the first place. MY GOD, that is one of the most annoying things in the world, I truly can’t STAND it when people interrupt others on a regular basis. Do yourself a favour and SHUT THE FUCK UP for once in your life! KMT!

And yes I did just write KMT! lol

I'm only playing.

Part 3 soon come.

List of things that piss me off - pt. 1

1. When you’re PROPER looking forward to eating something that’s waiting for you in your fridge, and then you go to eat it and it’s not there anymore (courtesy of some other fat, greedy bastard in your household)

2. When people (aka my Dad) leave empty packets of food in the kitchen/fridge as if there is something still in the packet, instead of simply throwing them in the bin. Why would any sane person do that?

3. When people say they’re gonna call you and then they don’t. DON’T BOTHER SAYING YOU’RE GONNA CALL IF YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO.

4. When you record something on Sky+ and then you go to watch the programme and the recording finishes 2 minutes early or starts 2 minutes late!

5. When Sky+ doesn’t work full stop.

6. 99% of Sky engineers.

7. When cashiers decide to put your change and receipt on the till surface instead of putting it in your hands LIKE POLITE PEOPLE WOULD DO.

8. When cashiers/shop assistants don’t bother to say hello/thank you/please to you. How the fuck do these people get employed when they don’t possess BASIC manners?!!

9. When people try to justify smoking. Just don’t do it. Please.

10. IGNORANT arse bus drivers for London Transport. You know the ones who try to give you lip behind their pathetic plastic shield thingamajigs, the ones who blatantly ignore you when you try to ask them a simple question regarding the route you’re travelling, the ones who don’t stop when you ring the bell to get off the bus, the ones who drive off when they can clearly see you trying to catch the bus, the ones who don’t even stop at the bus stop and drive on like they can’t see you...


Part 2 and the rest to come later...

Hold tight.