Scorcher - Dark Knight

Badman!



Video and track overly hard. Scorcher is doing it right now!

*screams and faints like a school girl* MY GOODNESS!!!

Happy Scottish people day!

Ohhhh just look at that... almost brings a tear to me eye! *sniff sniff*

It's St. Andrew's Day today! Brap brap brap, gunshot gunshots

Big up all my Scots out there! It's tatties and mince tonight for tea, hehe!!!

Here's a legendary clip of my darg Ronnie Browne singing Flower Of Scotland at Hampden...



C'MON!!!

The whorebag has left the jungle

After being nominated for the SEVENTH time to tackle another excruciating bushtucker trial, Katie Price has had enough and consequently quit 'I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!'.

I think that means she's not getting her £350,000 fee... HAHA shame.

To this day, I STLL don't get why people have time for this deluded, self-obsessed, shameless whorebag. I don't get why I should respect her for selling every single aspect of her undignified life story to the media and more importantly using her poor kids in an attempt to carry on hogging the limelight.

She blatantly thought she was gonna go back in and win this year. All this 'closure' bollocks... I didn't fall for it. I swear, she just can't help herself!

And c'mon now, they all know what they're signing up for when they agree to take part. She knows that the majority of the public can't stand the sight of her, therefore it kinda goes without saying she would be the victim of being repeatedly nominated to do the bushtucker trials. What a moron.

She tried to play the public and they played her right back.

Bye bitch!

WTF@ Rihanna's headpiece

What the hell has she done to her hair?!!

All balding and shit... I got one word for this:

SLIPPIN!

Beyonce ft. Lady Gaga - Video Phone

Rahtid!

Gwaaaarn ladies, do your stuff! I love these two bitches.

So long ya jakey bastard!

Guys, a miracle has happened!

FINALLY, 'Uncle' George Burley is no longer the Scotland manager after the SFA gave him the boot earlier today.

Dunno what the hell took them so long, the guy's time in charge was an absolute JOKE and travesty.

How could we just win 3 games out of 14 when he was about? THREE GAMES OUT OF FOURTEEN Y'NA! That's actually disgraceful. I know we're not the best team in the world but come off it!!! We don't have time to be slippin' like that, we really don't.

And the way we plummeted from 14th in the Fifa rankings to 46th, that's when you know its time to throw in the towel. I can't believe he did that to us, what a DICK!

Yeah see ya later you old jakey cunt! Thanks for nothing innit!

Cha.

Boiled eggs + Ritz crackers = packed lunch from heaven?

Oi you lot, get a load of this right.

So I decided to grab myself a good ol' Happy Meal from McDonalds the other day when I was on my break from work. I found myself somewhere to sit and got on the blower to my mate to fill her in on the latest goss. Then I saw some freaky looking gypo family of three eating at the table next to me but I carried on munching obliviously and gasbagging to my friend.

But you know when you clock something from the corner of your eye? In this case, a mysterious plastic bag was the attraction, which appeared to posses some form of a packed lunch the family had brought along to the 'restaurant'. Straight away I thought rah, that's a bit much innit! You're not exactly gonna break the bank having your lunch in McDonalds now, are ya? Is there really a need to bring extra food along?

Well clearly if you're a dirty gypo, there is.

So I scanned the contents of their table to see if they'd actually bought ANYTHING from McDonalds. That's when I noticed a couple of strawberry sundaes. OK, fair do's, fair do's. But wait.... hold on... what's that I see emerging from the plastic bag repeatedly?

Eh?

Boiled... eggs?

BOILED FUCKING EGGS?!!

No way. No fucking way man! WHO DOES THAT? Who brings a scatty plastic bag full of BOILED EGGS to McDonalds? Jesus Chris Almighty! And I swear one of the eggs looked BLACK inside. *covers mouth to prevent sick coming out*

Oh AND and the shells were still intact on all of 'em! They were actually peeling off the shells at the table! Straight RAGGO!

You should have seen the way they were murking them eggs boi. Like it was the first time they'd eaten in their lives!

Guess what they had as their side dish?

Ritz crackers!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ritz bloody crackers... jheeez! What a packed lunch! And yes, I did witness the mum dip one of them into the SUNDAES and put it in the kid's mouth.

WTF! Allow it!!!

Happy birthday to me

So I'm 22 today.

LAME.

Who wants to be 22? Turning 21 was so much cooler. Nobody cares when you're 22.

What do I have to look forward to now? Responsibilities? Work? Bills? Debt? Settling down? Marriage? KIDS?!

Ah hell no. That's some scary ass shit. Why can't I just stay 21 forever?!! I mean, I don't even look my age! I look like a fucking 12 year old still.

Having said that, I'll have you know, I'm actually a victim of premature ageing - I HAVE GREY HAIRS. Yes, HAIRS people, not just one strand, there's a few of them fuckers hanging around on my head piece. Not cool man.

You don't believe me? Here, have a butchers at these bad boys:

Never dyed my hair in my life and yet they started propping up this time last year. I'm gonna be grey by the time I'm 25!!! It's the McBarbie genetics mate.

Well at least I don't have to work today. HI5!

I'm gonna go check my Facebook now to see if there's any more 'Happy Birthday' comments on my page to make me feel bare popular.

PEACE!

Sharon Osbourne's a bitch

You see, usually I think ol' Shazza's quite hilarious, but that was just deep.

Wonder what YOU'D look like now without all that plastic surgery Shaz? I suppose we'll never know!

I think God hit Su-Bo with the same ugly stick that Kelly and Jack got wacked about with!

OOOOOH OOOOOH McBarbs you're dread man, you're dread! Are you gonna take that Shaz, are you gonna take that?! Lata, lata, laaaaaaataaaaaaaaaa!!!

How to 'perform' like sodding Danyl and get a standing ovation off Cowell

Teefed this from a Digital Spy member:

Step 1: Start off quietly, mumble, pronounce the words like you're deaf, foreign and have speech impediment and sing the odd note in tune. Actual melody optional.

Step 2: As soon as the chorus kicks in... your time to shine, baby! Let the generic choir/backing track/35 piece orchestra handle the actual tune and screech 'soulfully' over the top. Wave your hands around and bend over a lot so it's a 'performance'. Pull freaky faces like you're possessed. You'll need a lot of dry ice for this bit.

Step 3: Do a 'trick' where you throw the microphone into your other hand.

Step 4: As the song draws to a close or your voice starts to crack from too much random shouting, hold a 'big note'. For as long as possible. Doesn't matter if it sounds good, people will be impressed as long as you hold it. Pull a face like you're (simultaneously) horrifically constipated and acting out the money shot in a gay porn movie.

Step 5: Smile smugly as Simon leaps to his feet and reels off his list of cliches. If the other judges criticise you, look like someone's just shoved a cactus up your arse and pout furiously.


HAHAHAHAHA!

Eastenders = WORST TELEVISION PROGRAMME IN HISTORY

OK I'm still in shock and I'm feeling physically sick, but let me try and get this straight.

We, the British public, are meant to believe that this charming, innocent young laddie

had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with and produced a wee bairn with THIS


.....................................

'ave a fucking word will ya?!!

Shame on whatever NUMPTY is responsible for this SHAMBOLIC, unfathomable and vomit-inducing so-called storyline!

You read it here first: Eastenders is officially THE worst television programme in history.

Seriously, Eastenders is overly wack and yet I still feel compelled to watch it... why???

I'm off to lie down. I need more time to digest the sheer horror that I've just witnessed...

Dick Griffin

Say no more.

Wake up wake up wake up...

Its October 1st people!



What you know about this tune???

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet...

FUCK ALL WASPS

Seriously, what is the PURPOSE of these hideous things? Can someone please answer that question for me because I just can't get my head around why they exist???

All they do is fucking attack and harm innocent people who are just trying to go about their way! They are nothing more than a bloody burden to society.

No word of a lie, for the past few months I swear I've woken up EVERY GOD DAMN DAY to the sound of WASTED WASP buzzing around the inside of my window.

WHY? WHY ME???

My window is covered in that spray shit that is meant to kill the bastards. And that stuff STINKS, I'm fed up of smelling it in my room. I even sprayed all the ivy just beneath the window in the hope that another cunting wasp would die before it even thought about returning to bother me.

WRONG!

The other week, I was feeling all sad and shit that another summer had come to an end. Now I can't wait for the winter season because these noisy, nasty motherfuckers need to all fuck off and DIE!

You're all going straight to hell!!!

Our Cheryl's first single

...

I'm feeling it!

Gwarn Cheryl, do your stuff.

Why

Why can't I have this face:

And this body:

WHY I ASK???

LIFE IS CRUEL!!!

Get ta know

I

Will

Be

There!

Bea Hamill = the spawn of Satan

Look at her!!!

Just look at those eyes! She's POSSESSED!

You know, in the 10 long years of Big Brother, we've had some serious, downright bastards in there. The type of 'people' (and I use that term with extreme hesitance) that provoke laughter from you because if you don't laugh at them, you will feel the strongest urge to jump up off of your sofa, fly kick your television set onto the floor and proceed to stomp all over it in sheer rage because their appalling, disgusting and un-human-like behaviour infuriates you that much!

We've had Makosi... we've had Charley... we've had Dennis... we've had Alexandra... we've had Kenneth...

And they all left us thinking that surely, just SURELY, a higher level of evil could not exist in this world.

And then along came Bea. The spawn of Satan himself! The psychologists are going to have a fucking field day when that bitch comes out.

Now there is deluded and then there is deluded beyond belief. Bea is deluded beyond belief.

Notice how almost all of the venomous insults she throws at her fellow housemates are actually a reflection of her own fucked-up character. But little does she realise! Because Bea has never said a bad word about anyone! Bea hasn't done anything wrong! Bea's quite a nice person you know!

Lemme get this straight. Bea threatens to steal a can of cider from Halfwit's draw - out of spite, might I add - and Marcus (Halfwit's FRIEND) responds by telling her that wouldn't be a wise move and that she is being negative again. Bea then launches into yet another unprovoked venom-fuelled attack on Halfwit's character, unconvincingly threatens to leave the BB house and labels Marcus a bully, all through a big bunch of crocodile tears.

And then says: "If you can't take it don't dish it out!"

AHAHAHAHAHA. She's so funny. Crazy bitch.

I could carry on pointing out and analysing her satanic actions and behaviour but I'd be here all bloody night and I ain't got the time for that. All I'm saying is, Marcus needs to go this week. Not because I actually want him to go: if he stays, he will be the only one able to put Bea in her place. But he needs to go because it will be priceless to see the horrified and hugely-disappointed reaction of that gangly, bruck-toothed, eyes-too-close-together, 40-faced, duplicitous, nasty, manipulative WHORE when Halfwit survives ANOTHER public vote. And then, we would have a Bea vs Halfwit showdown to look forward to next week.

Surely we all wanna see that?!!

The Cut issue 4 - OUT NOW!!!

Yes yes peeps,

Make sure you check out Issue 4 of The Cut aka the Alternative Issue.

Inside we have...

* A guide to all the latest skanks
* A history of subcultures
* Tinchy Stryder - our cover star
* Stephen K Amos on homophobia
* DaVinChe
* Zarif
* New Boys Jerkin'
* Lawrence Watson
* Poppy and The Jezebels

And much, much more!

Pick up your FREE copy all over LDN from Size?, Rough Trade, Stateside, Fopp, The Social, ICA, or anywhere you see a Don't Panic pack (you should spot The Cut by its side).

Alternatively, holla at your girl for a copy!

Peace and love

P.S. This is my 100th post - brap brap!

This dude is SERIOUS

Who knew the 'Migraine Skank' could sound so beautiful???

Go white boy, go white boy, go white boy!

Yeah he's SICK.